Swalloing Lies- *Edited*

Hey other,

I like the imagery you have here, with the lights, the sun, the broken; I only wish you would have kept it up throughout the whole piece instead of devolving into repetitions and limping, cliché lines.

The first stanza was the best, IMO. Second stanza's last two lines were good, but undermined by the very fragmented, chopped up first two, and the repetition of the "you" like that, with no real emphasis to make it worth it, didn't help.

The last two stanzas are really average. Not bad, but there's nothing in there at all. "These lies filling your head, / Thinking it was the only truth." and "These strangers you never knew." are terribly, terribly flat. Take them off; instead work again that imagery that was so nice.

You seem to be lacking in reviews and that simply won't do. I liked this. I wasn't amazed or over-whelmed I'll admit but there's a certain charm to it and I think it could be very moving if made a little more dramatic, a little less withheld. There's a few breaks in the flow that need cleaning up first and maybe you could put some more detail in but... let's take a closer look shall we?

The title I like. It swayed me into clicking. I saw you only had a couple of reviews so i thought maybe I'll click. Then I thought ah but I have a lot of tabs open and then! Then I thought the title's kind of cool and you get the picture. If you wanted to make it that little bit more intriguing, you could have 'Swallow Lies' which would introduce a pun you could maybe play with and there's a rather whimsical and yet melancholic feel to the words while Swallowing is a bit more solid; harsher.

These blinking stars above me,
Form a darkening globe enveloping me. [I wanted to read form as from, even when I read it the second time. I've no idea why and I don't know if you should be concerned, could just be an oddity with myself ^^ I don't like your repetition of me here though. All me me me. That's not what a reader looks for in a poem and it's not needed. You could have:

These blinking stars above me;
I am enveloped by their darkening globe.

And then you get to end on globe. Much stronger. I think maybe you could spruce the first line up a bit as well. Like, 'The stars blink slowly and']

You are one of the broken lights, [I like this line. Good metaphor.]
Carelessly watching over the world.

The burden that was dragging you.
Secrets that were crushing you.
You've walked towards the sun, [The use of 'you've' feels awkward. I'd suggest going with 'You have' which would be more powerful, more commanding. Also, make towards toward.]
The lies swallowing you whole.

Walking away, leaving us, [The repetition doesn't do much for you here.]
You did not once think about us.
These lies filling your head,
Thinking it was the only truth. [What does this stanza actually say? Not a lot to be honest. Feels like a filler.]

Now they all talk about you,
The life that was once in you.
The tragedy speaks to them.
These strangers you never knew.

Very nice and deep! Full of great description and emotion.
Just practice spelling out words instead of using contractions, it helps the flow and the mood.
Great work!

Hey sister

This is beautiful... I don't think I've got anything else to say, it left me speechless.

-Truth-