this is a sequel in a short-story trilogy I've started after a short writing a did a LONG time ago, The Room.
There was a long wait between the time
the headman found the girl and the time he decided to do something about it. This is what struck fear into the girl most of all.
The first thing the headman did was take the girl downstairs. There, had had her wait in the hall while he slipped into his study, which was directly above the girl's bedroom. He came back out, and she waited in terror wondering what punishment he might inflict on her.
But the headman did nothing. He sent her off to bed and didn't see her til breakfast the next morning.
...
The headman always ate his meals in his study, leaving the girl alone at the small table in the corner of the kitchen. As she tucked into her bland porridge, the girl pondered events from the night before just as she had been lying awake in her bed.
That room had held a sort of nostalgia... the colors, more than anything. The dried roses.
Were they the headman's flowers? How long had he kept them alone to wilt in the dusty room? And why hadn't he punished the girl for breaking into it?
More than anything, the girl thought, she wanted to know why it was forbidden in the first place. Nothing else was, except the study on occasion. The headman took her in when she was a child, though he was harsh with her. He took care of her. She was welcome in his home.
It was certainly better than any orphanage.
The only memory the girl held before meeting the headman was of someone carrying her. Clean-shaven, she thought. And bright eyes. A male figure. Strong with wide shoulders but a slender body.
Then she was kissed, laid in a blanket, and that was it.
She had asked about this memory before. The headman was hostile towards the subject. He told her the man in her memory had set her at his doorstep, without a name or trace of information. It was untold if he was the girl's father.
But she knew better. She remembered the kiss. And somehow, those crumbling roses in the back room had brought the feeling of his warm lips on a cold night back to her forehead.
The girl stared into her porridge bowl. The questions inside her were about as numerous and muddled as the oat granules sitting before her.
She knew what she must do, if only just to feel the presence of her father again.
She would return to the room.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
This all reminds me of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe...
The fact that you used roman numerals in the title makes it so fancy...
I am still wondering about the girl's age. I get a little bit more information about her in this chapter, but I just want clues to how old she is! Like it bugs me! And I have no idea why!
The headman... an interesting character. I'd like a little more detail on him, just a wittle bittle... wiggle wiggle wiggle
hehe. wiggle reference.
I think you could use a bit more detail overall. I know it's short, but it's so short that it feels like you're rushing the story a little.
yah. on to the next one...
glad you didn't leave me a cliffhanger this time.
-rissyroorahSHARK.BAIT.HOOHAHA
#notspamming
thanks. again. i feel like i should reply to everything.
and, again, I don't know why exactly but I think in order to make the reader think for themselves (especially at the end) and to get the message and everything across by the final chapter, I decided to keep little description. you're right, though, I could have added some more clues to her age. she's obviously not a young girl, she's been with the headman since infantry. she's probably a young teen/preteen
Hey! I'll just point out errors that I find.
Lying doesn't make sense in this sentence. You could make it 'was' lying, or change the word.
The girl 'thought'. This is just a typo.
I think she knew what she had to do would sound better.
Nice ending to the chapter, it leaves me wanting to know how this will end. Keep writing!
ah yes I had so many typos in this one!! XD thanks for pointing them out- I've been out of it tonight.
Yes!!! You wrote more!!! *claps*
I am soo glad that you extended the story! I love how it still has that myterious air about it, and keeps you interested by not telling you everything. I still would like to know more about the girl, like what her name is. Also, maybe writing some dialouge somewhere. It makes the story more "alive".
By the way, just a small spelling error in the beginning. It says " and the time he decided to do something about it". "The" should be "this".
oh thanks for that typo! I've decided to keep the characters nameless and, thus far, keep dialogue out. I want this to be the kind of story that the reader imagines almost as much me, as the author. Especially the ending...I want the readers to imagine it themselves. thanks for the review!
oh, and actually the typo wasn't an error, you may have read it wrong. I should arrange it better
Ah, yeah, i see now. Sorry about that!