If you haven't already, please read The Room and The Perusal first :) it'll make more sense and be much more effective...
Only by thin candlelight
did the girl dare search through the back room in the headman's mansion, which she'd lived in since she was an infant.
The halls and entries were normally kept dark, especially when the headman was out. Today he was, and the girl feared great consequences if he came home to catch her again in the room, lit and all.
She knew, however, that under these circumstances she had to seize the chance-- if in fact she was to uncover any further memory of her father.
Using a pin from her hair, the girl carefully picked the lock on the old wooden door; it was painted white and had long since been refinished, chipping and such. She stepped lightly inside before closing the door gingerly. Lifting the flaming candle cradled in its pewter holder, she was suddenly taken aback. The bedsheets were strewn about the mattress in the room; the side table was overturned. The dusty mirror on the beautifully carved vanity was shattered to pieces. And worst of all, the girl thought, the dried roses had been crumbled, their crisped petals lay about the floor as if crushed within a fist.
Anger was the subdued feeling the room now carried, rather than the fond memories of a loving father.
Or, perhaps, the feeling was despair... Hopelessness.
The girl knelt down when something peculiar caught her eye, something she hadn't noticed prior. A small piece of paper, folded, stamped, lay in the corner by the broken vase where dead roses lay beneath.
She took the slip between her fingers and opened it. Her gaze flittered across the yellow parchment, skimming words and sifting concepts. All she obtained by the end was the headman's signature, before reading again from the beginning.
***
She heard the door open from down the hall. The headman's footsteps drew nearer.
She didn't move for the candle or scurry to blow out the flame. She let it burn.
When he was behind her, the girl turned to look into the bright eyes of her father.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH NOW I WANT TO KNOW WHY SHE'S HER FATHER AND WHY HE'S BEEN KEEPING IT A SECRET
ME NO ENTIENDE
You need a follow-up three part sequel to this.
Maybe a nice last touch would be describing his eyes... finally realizing they matched hers, or something sweet, or a hug... or not. you're the author, you decide that stuff and what's best and what you want.
So the headman made the room all messy and stuff, I suppose? I want to know why...
One last thing: you can do weird stuff like making the headman his father, but you as the author have to know why it's logical and makes sense. otherwise if it's an event that makes no sense and the excuse you have to back it up with is that you're ending the story there and you don't need to explain anything *deep breath* that's not good. all things should make sense... somehow.
so yeah. hope you can figure that one out. heh.
you should just tell me what all happens, cuz ur ma friend
-rissyroorahSHARK.BAIT.HOOHAHA
my friend, that is the beauty. if you can't think about it for yourself, why should I? but believe me, I have. I have my theories. But everyone can have their own. That's the point. It's a self-ending story.
but you did give me an idea to describe his eyes as i described her father's eyes before
yessss cool.
meh.
I don't want to develop theories.
...then you should read more
Hello @theironnovelist ! It's @Sylar from the Earth Benders here to review your story!
There are two things wrong with this sentence. First, "did" should be capitalized. Second, this sentence should be a question.I haven't actually read your other 2 parts, so I'm sorry if my review doesn't mean as much (Hopefully it will be sufficient!) Anyways, let's get in to this part.
Overall, I thought this was a really awesome story! I have a few nitpicks:
"hopelessness" shouldn't be capitalized.
[quote]A small piece of paper, folded, stamped, lay in the corner by the broken vase where dead roses lay beneath./quote] Putting an "and" between "folded," and "stamped" would seem to make the sentence flow better.
Aside from that, I thought this was a great end to this part. You have a very calm and clean language and word choice. Still, the end was a bit confusing.
Very nice job @theironnovelist and Happy Review Day!
Heya, I'm back to review part three. By the way, Happy Review Day!!
Wow. Just wow. I really hadn't expected that at all! I think it was a really great conclusion to the story and I've enjoyed reading the three parts.
This review is, as you can see, super short. That's because I can't find any errors, it's pretty much perfect except for one nitpick...
The second to last sentence doesn't make much sense. I understand that it isn't a real flame, but maybe explain that more, show the reader more of the emotions that the girl is feeling.
Thank you for writing this, it was great!
thanks! ooh yeah i forgot to add the word 'candle'. it was meaning the literal flame from the candle she was holding, but then 'she let it burn' was also meant to be a bit figurative. glad you enjoyed it!