this is a super old short I wrote when inspiration struck me. I have not yet revised it at all, though I want to. please give me ideas!
The girl tucked a strand of her light hair back behind her
ear as she stepped quietly into the room. Glancing over her shoulder, she confirmed to
herself the coast was clear. She knew
what a great risk it was to venture inside here without permission…
She
closed the door gingerly, as quietly as she could, and when she turned she
wafted the strong scent of cedar. It was
dark, yet she dared not light the lamp in the corner. She tried; she tried so hard to remember. It was tugging desperately in the back of her
mind, pleading to break free. But she
couldn’t release it.
The
pastel blue walls, the wooden furniture coated thinly with dust, the bed with
cream-colored sheets. It was all so
familiar, somehow. She pulled up her
hair with the strip of leather around her wrist as the thought. She’d been here
before, she knew.
But when?
Why?
Perhaps it didn’t matter. It probably had nothing to do with her father anyway. The girl with pale skin ran her tongue over her chapped lips as her eyes scanned the room intently. A dark vase sat on a small desk up against one wall; it held three flowers. Petals that were once crimson now wilted and looked parched, an ugly brown that crumbled between the girl’s fingers when she touched them. Then something struck her, made her head tilt upwards with curiosity. It was sunlight. Sudden, golden sunlight, streaming in rays from the windows, casting beams around the room.
The girl smiled.
She reached up for the
sheer curtains folded in front of the window near her, swinging them open. The image took her breath away.
There were colors,
hanging from the window, which reflected the light from the sun. It shone around the room, bounding off the
walls playfully and dancing around her fair skin. Rainbows.
The girl laughed
joyfully without thinking, looking up and gaping at all the beauty. She knew it was as close to a heaven as she
would ever see.
But nothing beautiful ever lasts.
The door burst open.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Can I just say something? Wow. This was amazing. It was short and beautiful. It got to the point quickly instead of drawing it out into a billion paragraphs. I don't think that you should write it all with the character being referred to as "The girl." The entire time. You should give her a name. You should also give her more of a background. To me, you use the word "she" an awful lot. It's getting kind of repetitive. Instead of "She reached up for the sheer curtain folded in front of the window near her. She swung them open." It should be "She reached up for the sheer curtain folded in front of the window near her, swinging them open." Sorry If my grammar is messed up and that sentence is grammatically incorrect. If it is please ignore it. I am the worst at grammar. Overall, this was very well written and I enjoyed reading it. I hope you expand on this. Happy writing!
ooh. cool.
I'm hoping those wilted flowers are symbolism or foreshadowing for something later in the story...
A few clues to the girl's age could be used, but also, not exactly mandatory in the slightest. They would add a nice touch though.
I liked the description of the room; my dear, you have improved, and I congratulate you on this achievement.
I don't think you have to make it so short- a little more length, just a tad more explanation about why she's there and what she's trying to do- just clues about this work, to keep the reader in suspense
Hard to find bad things about this. It was very well-written.
Now I get to find out who freaking entered the freaking room.
-rissyroorahSHARK.BAIT.HOOHAHA
#notspamming
thanks! I wrote this years ago...XD I'm glad it still sounds good! I made this intentionally with very little description of the characters and background, and paid more attention to description of surroundings. Not really sure why. That's just kinda the mood I guess I set XD thanks again. I hope you like the end...dont read the spoilers!
Whoa. Talk about a cliffhanger! I loved this and I realllly want to see why the door burst open and why the room was farmiliar. Also, I would like to know more about the girl. I loved the detail! It definitely had a mysterious, vaguely spooky air about it.
I like how we are kept in suspense and wonder when you keep mentioning that she had been there before, and it may or may not have something to do with the father.
I really think you should elaborate. This would make a really great novel or a longer short story!
How dare you leave it off like THAT. So rude.
Okie dokie. The very beginning, is the beginning of that first sentence supposed to be in bold? I adore the very beginning, though. It sets the mood right then and there; she's somewhere she isn't supposed to be and risking some sort of punishment to be there. That leaves us with two (or more) questions; "Why is this room so important", and "Why isn't she allowed in here?"
Then we see she's trying to remember something. I like this as well, because it feels like, if you were to continue it, would slowly but surely allow us to remember whatever it is with her. Which is an exciting thought. What is she trying to remember? Why can't she remember? What does her Father have to do with all of this?
And then the end! It's perfect! What the bloody hell is going to happen to our curious, brave and amnesia stricken protagonist now that she's been caught?!
I honestly have no advice. This is all just praise, really. This short could stay just that; a short. While I would love a continuation, it's not even necessary. You did an amazing job with that! This was a lot of fun to read, even though it was so short. Thank you for writing it, I definitely enjoyed it.
Keep writing and good luck!
thanks very much! I have ideas of continuing this in short bits, but I also love a good ending that leaves the rest up to the minds of the readers. I love short stories so I'll definitely be continuing these ideas!
How dare you leave it off like THAT. So rude.
Okie dokie. The very beginning, is the beginning of that first sentence supposed to be in bold? I adore the very beginning, though. It sets the mood right then and there; she's somewhere she isn't supposed to be and risking some sort of punishment to be there. That leaves us with two (or more) questions; "Why is this room so important", and "Why isn't she allowed in here?"
Then we see she's trying to remember something. I like this as well, because it feels like, if you were to continue it, would slowly but surely allow us to remember whatever it is with her. Which is an exciting thought. What is she trying to remember? Why can't she remember? What does her Father have to do with all of this?
And then the end! It's perfect! What the bloody hell is going to happen to our curious, brave and amnesia stricken protagonist now that she's been caught?!
I honestly have no advice. This is all just praise, really. This short could stay just that; a short. While I would love a continuation, it's not even necessary. You did an amazing job with that! This was a lot of fun to read, even though it was so short. Thank you for writing it, I definitely enjoyed it.
Keep writing and good luck!
Wow. This is really good
. The way your wrote it is just... Awesome 
. I hope you make more shorts like these. 
WHAT?! You can't just leave us hanging! What?!
Or this maybe one of those pieces that you just sort of write to get them out of your mind and then forget about. I know how that is.
Okay, while I am curious as to what this girls story is I did enjoy this a lot.
Personally, I love characters more than storylines so I like pieces like this. I know that this girl is probably a very complicated and intricate character. I wanted to know her name, her story, what happened to her father. That means you did your job as a writer. Well done!
I liked the mysterious tone, but I wonder if even you have decided the story behind it. If so, I hope you share it with us!
Regardless I enjoyed it and I'm waiting here on the edge of my seat if you decide to continue it. Thanks for sharing!
thanks! I literally just wrote it from inspiration of my Grandma's back room. Little backstory. I'll consider it!
Hi!
This is a very interesting piece, and I would be so excited if you continued writing this! I want to know what happened to the girl in the past to make her come to this place, and I want to know what happens to her after the door opens. What demons is she running from?
The girl tucked a strand of her light hair back behind her (I am not quite sure why this part of the sentence is in bold and separated from the rest.)
She knew what a great risk it was to venture inside here without permission… (A period, instead of ..., should do just fine here.)
She closed the door gingerly, as quietly as she could, and when she turned she wafted the strong scent of cedar.( This is a great example of how to use conjunctions correctly because you put the word and after a comma. See next comment for further instruction.)
It was tugging desperately in the back of her mind, pleading to break free. But she couldn't release it. (I think you should combine these two sentences by replacing the period after free with a comma and putting a lower case b in the word. Leaving it as it is the second sentence is not a full sentence.)
The pastel blue walls, the wooden furniture coated thinly with dust, the bed with cream-colored sheets. It was all so familiar, somehow. (The first sentence has no verb, so it isn't a complete sentence. Try combining it with the second sentence using conjunctions or a semi-colon.)
She pulled up her hair with the strip of leather around her wrist as the thought. (Try rewording this sentence because "as the thought" doesn't really make sense, and makes the sentence incomplete.)
Perhaps it didn’t matter. (The rest of your story is written in past tense. didn't should be Don't)
It probably had nothing to do with her father anyway. (This is a random sentence about her father... it kind of seems out of place, and if you keep this sentence the word anyway at the end does it no justice.)
The girl with pale skin ran her tongue over her chapped lips as her eyes scanned the room intently. (There are natural pauses when a person talks, and when you re-read your work most of the time you can catch them. When you find a natural pause, this is usually where a comma should go so the reader does pause. In this example there should be a comma after lips. It is also because you are combining the complete sentence: The girl with pale skin ran her tongue over her chapped lips with the fragment: as her eyes scanned the room intently.)
Petals that were once crimson now wilted and looked parched, an ugly brown that crumbled between the girl’s fingers when she touched them.(This is a beautiful description!)
It was sunlight. Sudden, golden sunlight, streaming in rays from the windows, casting beams around the room. (The second sentence isn't a full sentence because it has no verb; try combining it with the sentence before it.)
There were colors, hanging from the window, which reflected the light from the sun. It shone around the room, bounding off the walls playfully and dancing around her fair skin. Rainbows. (This section is so beautiful; all I can imagine is a small girl in awe of a rainbow coming in through the window.)
I am full of suspense! I want to know what happens and why she needed to go in that room? If you write more to this please let me know!
xoxo,
Rascalover
thanks! I realize some sentences are fragments, but that's mostly for the effect of voice.