Her son hadn’t spoken since he’d returned. The therapist said it would take some time before he was ready to talk to her about what had happened, but patience had never been a trait that Jane had possessed so she found the waiting for her son to talk extremely frustrating. All she wanted was her son back. All she wanted was to have her sweet baby boy back as he was before he had been taken, always smiling and happy, the envy of all the other parents at his daycare, maybe that was why one of them took him.
She wondered if her son talked she would be able to forgive herself. Forgive herself for leaving him at the daycare while he clung to her leg and begged her not to go, for having the teachers pry him off of her and having walked away with his cries echoing in the distance. If he were able to talk maybe when she said she was sorry and that she loved him she would know he understood what she was saying, know that her son wasn’t completely lost from her forever.
Jane watched him now, his small body hunched over the coffee table in the living room, his tiny hands gripping the crayon and rubbing it hurriedly back and forth as he colored in one of his drawings. Jane had put each and every drawing on the refrigerator, it had been the only way her son had communicated with her since he returned from his three year long disappearance.
Part of Jane had hoped that her six year old son would draw the man that had taken him. They had never caught his abductor, but Jane was sure it had to have been someone who worked at the daycare, she just needed her boy to draw who it was, she was positive she would recognize the man.
She walked over to her son and sat down next to him, “Hey sweetheart” she asked, her voice soft as to not scare him, “do you mind if mommy takes a look at what you’re drawing?”
Her son stopped drawing and turned the drawing around so that she was looking at it head on. To her surprise, it was a person that he had drawn, but this was not a regular person. It was a man with his hands up in what looked like a surrender pose, his eyes were big and bulging, a triangle took the place of his nose, and a lopsided grin was on his face. His head was comically small for his body and rested on an elongated neck similar to that of a giraffes. Black lines stuck to the top of the man’s head showing hair and his face was drawn chalky white but his hands were a dark black with his arms being a light periwinkle blue. His chest was a mix of colors and he stood in front of what looked like graffiti.
Chills ran down her spine and she felt tears well up in her eyes as she looked at her son, his brown eyes so much like her’s stared back at her. She realized she was shaking, what had possessed her son to draw this? Was this the man who had taken him or was it just a figment of her son’s imagination? She didn’t know, all she knew was that her son was broken and she wanted him fixed.
She wrapped her son into a hug and kissed the top of his head. “What did they do to you” she whispered and she felt tears fall down her cheeks, her breath coming out in sobs and her words shaking, “I’m so sorry Jacob, I’m so sorry.”
Her son just sat there in her arms, not moving, not fighting back, not crying, not hugging her, he just sat there as if he was just watching the event take place instead of actually being a part of it, this just made her cry harder.
All she wanted was her son back, yet it seemed as though he were still a prisoner of the unknown man who took him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Overall? Splendid idea with a nearly wonderful execution. I loved the last line, the strained relationship between the two, and the concept that even after the end of a kidnapping the child might still be in the psychological clutches of his kidnapper. It's just wonderful.
Some issues I had, personally:
-“What did they do to you” Try: "What did they do to you?"
-“Hey sweetheart” Try: "Hey, sweetheart,"
-'All she wanted was to have her sweet baby boy back as he was before he had been taken, always smiling and happy, the envy of all the other parents at his daycare, maybe that was why one of them took him.' Try: 'All she wanted was to have her sweet baby boy back as he was before he had been taken, always smiling and happy, the envy of all the other parents at his daycare. Maybe that was why one of them took him.'
-'Her son just sat there in her arms, not moving, not fighting back, not crying, not hugging her, he just sat there as if he was just watching the event take place instead of actually being a part of it, this just made her cry harder.' Try: 'Her son just sat there in her arms, not moving, not fighting back, not crying, not even hugging her. He sat there, as if he was just watching the event take place instead of actually being a part of it. It just made her cry harder.'
You get the idea.
Other than the problems I had with the flow, this is a fine piece of work. It really does show more than it tells, and you feel for all the parties involved.
Signing out--EM.
Hey, EverWinter here.
I liked this story. It was unique. I've never read a kidnapping story from the parent's perspective.
First thing, I feel like three years is a long time... I don't know maybe cut it down to one, or a few months? I think that would make it feel less forced. A six year old seems a little too old. There's simply a loss of innocence in that age.
Next, I think it would be cool if you made it more realistic by implying subtly that his dad had taken him. From what I noticed, you didn't mention the boy's father. And plus, in real life, most kidnappings are by non-custodial parents.
I think your plot was good. Your descriptions were good as well, although you could go into more detail if you want. I enjoyed reading this!
EverWinter
This is a great story, but it could be more descriptive. Also, there are a few run on sentences.
Hi!!
This is a really interesting piece. I think with a few more descriptions instead of telling us what happened would try this into a great piece.
For example, "the envy of all the other parents at his daycare, maybe that was why one of them took him." How is your character for sure someone at the daycare took him? Later on in this piece, she doesn't seem so sure who did it. How does she know he's so cute? Describe him. Make me feel as though I am in this scene, feeling these feelings.
I feel a lot of yearning in this peace, but it stops dead. I love the potential in this peace! It's a really good read and creative peace.
Thanks for the great read
~Tiffany