Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It was hard for her to remember the girl she had once been. It was difficult for her to remember that she, at one point, had been innocent. It was hard for her to look back on memories of a happier time and recognize that she had once lived them.
Sometime, though, when she was tired and cold and hungry and laying next to the sleeping body of some man three times her age in some shady motel, she would look back at those memories.
She would see herself, not as she was now, but as who she had been. Anna Carson.
Back when her long dark hair didn’t fall out in clumps everyday, back when her skin was smooth and flawless and not riddled with scabs from her tearing it off when the drugs made her believe she was covered in bugs. Back when her bright green eyes shined, back when her biggest worry was whether or not her mom could pick her up from play practice that night.
It was then, dreaming of who she had been, when sleep would drag her into its clutches.
In the morning she was awoken by her boyfriend, Danny. Danny had stopped being her boyfriend and started being her pimp long ago but she found it easier to tell herself a lie than to acknowledge the truth.
Long ago when Danny was a senior in high school and she was the rebellious thirteen year old, he had charmed her with promises he would never keep and kisses that had started out sweet but soon turned bitter.
One night, when the summer air was crisp with the promise of fall, Danny convinced her to run away with him. She packed a bag and followed him onto bus after bus taking them from their small Rhode Island town all the way to big city Los Angeles California.
They spent those first few months living on the streets or in cheap motels, eating whatever junk food they had stolen from gas stations.
Then one day Danny told her he had bet a friend one hundred dollars that she would sleep with him. Anna had never heard of or met this friend before but she had been so eager to please him that she agreed.
Danny got his one hundred dollars. That night they ate. They ordered a pizza and for the first time in months her and Danny’s bellies were full.
“It’ll never happen again” he promised, “that was it I swear.”
The next one happened two months later. The third was two weeks after that. By the time the tenth rolled around it was happening every night.
Danny tossed her clothes at her and told her to get dressed. She obeyed and put on the tight pair of jeans and thin top that exposed her midriff that he had tossed at her.
She looked down at her barely covered stomach and placed her hand to it. One time there had been something in there. At least that was what Danny told her. He told her that the baby growing in her stomach was not a person, that it didn’t have a heartbeat and couldn’t feel anything. He had told her that they couldn’t keep it, even when she begged him. He took her to a clinic downtown and spent a month’s worth of their money on getting rid of it.
When it was finished she was led out to a recovery room where he was waiting for her. He helped her onto the bus and helped her to their motel room where he told her to shower and get ready for work that night. It was only then in the shower, noise muffled by the running water, that Anna sobbed for her lost baby.
Once she was dressed she was given her reward. Her part of the payment she had earned.
He handed her the tiny plastic bag with the tablets in it. She breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of more and held it close to her chest.
The first time she had ever tried it was when Danny had given her some after she lost her baby, promising that it would make her happy. At first it had just made her sick. Then, once the nausea and headaches subsided she felt as if she was floating on air. As if she was weightless and free. For those few moments Anna had been blissfully numb to the world around her. And she desperately wanted that feeling again.
She went over to her purse and grabbed out her piece of crushed up tinfoil and lighter and melted down the tablets into a yellowish-brown liquid. She grabbed her syringe and filled it.
She had long since lost track of the vein in her arm and instead turned to the vein in her wrist. She plunged the syringe in and pushed the liquid into her.
When she had first tried it, Danny had been careful to lay her on her side so that she wouldn’t choke if she vomited.
Today though he had forgotten. Today he had left her alone in the crappy motel room on her back, her head on a pillow and her staring up at the ceiling.
As she lay there, choking and gasping for air that would never come, she remembered the little girl she used to be.
Anna, the girl with bright eyes and smooth skin and a smile that came naturally. The girl who had blindly trusted a boy only for him to lead her off a cliff. The girl who had been stupid and rebellious and refused to listen to her parents. The little girl that had died long ago.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hello there.
Well, this was really heartbreaking to be honest. The storyline as whole. The topic was not one to be missed either. I do not think I have read anything that deep and in a topic like the protitution but something new for me. It is really realistic because I am sure it happens in the real life all the time. The innocent ones sometimes make that tradical mistake and end up being ruined by someone they love or want to be loved from. Very good job indeed.
Only some nitpicks.
I think 'sometime' needs to be 'sometimes' and you need one comma after the second 'and' because of the ordering there and after every next 'and'.
Sometimes, though, when she was tired and cold, and hungry, and laying next to the sleeping body of a man three times her age in some shady motel, she would look back at those memories.
'some' is used when we talk about uncountables, so 'some man' makes no sense for me there. I know it can be used something but maybe if it was plural.
I think you can put a comma before 'taking'.
You have a lots of actions here.
Here we are having a dependent part before independent, so we need comma after the dependent part ends.
Comma before 'she was..'.
The same type of a sentence here. Comma before 'she was..'.
Here we are having a missing word maybe?
And her ... staring up at the ceiling. You have a missing word where the dots are.
You have told us it is hers but what is hers? Her back, her eye?
That is all for this work! Keep on working.
Unexpected topic.~
Hi Thedumbbrunette! Here's my two cents:
I love the opening of the story- it immediately captures my interest because I want to know why she was no longer innocent, what happened to make her this way, etc.
This sentence says so much in just a few words; from one sentence, I know that Anna is probably a prostitute and she was probably forced into it by someone. I also loved the repetition of "and" in the sentence, it gives off the sense that the list is very long.
Right here, I would recommend adding more detail. This was clearly a very traumatic event of Anna's life, so adding some more emotion could help a lot!
This line casts a giant foreshadow warning on the reader. I love that.
The ending is outstanding. I love the framing that you achieved by beginning with Anna remembering the little girl she once was, and ending with the same thoughts.
One thing I would definitely recommend doing is trying to change the plot a little bit, as it's the "typical" prostitution story (boyfriend is sweet and older, boyfriend does it once, boyfriend is then becoming her pimp, etc.). The introduction of Anna's drug addiction adds a little twist, but try adding some HUGE plot twist in there so that the reader can't just guess what is going to happen (and be right).
- Unluminescent
Hello, dumbbrunette....why this name?? Have some more self esteem...
Okay, I don't really get much time to sit in front of the laptop and do some reviewing ....so I only read those writings titles of which attract me the most...No doubt, your story has a great titile....Innocence Lost...
But, I didn't find mush of the feeling of "losing innocence" in the story...it felt more like a girl was regretting...regretting is one thing and thinking of lost innocence is another. All I found here was more like losing a personality. Again, regretting isn't really reflected here. The whole story was like writing an essay on how a girl's past was and how she became a prostitute.
There really isn't anything happening in the story and this is a negative point...keep at least one action that may be assumed is happening in the present and that makes the character , in this story the girl, think of the past. An action is really necessary....otherwise the story sounds plain.
The character should be revealed. His or her emotions and feelings should be stated. In this story, we don't really know what the girl is feeling except thinking about her past...it's also not clear if she feels that her innocence is lost...
We get to see a little bit of how she was in the past but we don't really get the present her. How does she feel now? About her life, her boyfriend? Does she want to live the rest of her life like this or does she plan to run away? Does she now have hatred for her boyfriend? Are they still together? These questions arise but they are not answered....You should have thought and write them too..
Stories on prostitutes are one of my favorites and I think it's kinda hard to write a story on this topic that really stands out because it is quite a common topic.. Ur story is not bad..it's great and I've liked the plot...add a little bit more and it will become awesome...
You're probably not a dumb brunette at all
It's the Wolf, here, and I'm going to do my best to give you a good review.
See I know a little thing about writing prostitute stories. Yours seemed to have blown mine out of the water. I might publish it on here because my friend dared me to, so bare with me.
I think this is really really intriguing. You sort of took a serious subject and were able to captivate me the entire time. That is really important because I will pick up a book and will always put it down if the first page doesn't captivate me. With the time schedule I have, I don't always have that patience.
You did a great job of making me hate Anna's boyfriend Danny. It had me thinking "HE MADE HER A PROSTITUTE AT THE AGE OF 13?? HE'S A PIMP??! WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK?!" And you made him that deceiving boyfriend to somehow convince her that she should have sex with another one of their friends for money;
"The next one happened two months later. The third was two weeks after that. By the time the tenth rolled around it was happening every night."
One problem I saw was that it seems like a classic sex trade story. Like I sort of knew that certain things were going to happen to her. Even though things were beautifully written, things about her journey through all of this could have been different.
'Aww she had to get an abortion? I mean that's sad but I sort of saw that coming, Danny wouldn't allow it.';
"When it was finished she was led out to a recovery room where he was waiting for her. He helped her onto the bus and helped her to their motel room where he told her to shower and get ready for work that night."
Or 'she is into drugs now? Well of course she would be, but that still sucks.';
"For those few moments Anna had been blissfully numb to the world around her. And she desperately wanted that feeling again."
If you changed something along the story line, I thought it could have been extremely golden. What if (hypothetically speaking) she was on the job and just got burnt out, had enough, so she decided to run away, and her umm... patient.. was actually a psychopath and decided to go after her and kill her if she didn't have sex with him? That could be something. Although it is your story, you don't have to actually change that.
I also with there was some character interaction. There was a lack of dialogue. It had a lot of show rather than us looking deeper and seeing MORE of how the characters felt. Could you have added more discussion? I get that it would turn into a twenty page short story, but that isn't a bad thing. Add some more speaking moments.
To me, this is so good. I loved it. It could have been polished regarding dialogue and story line, but you sort of nailed that story line. You did a good job making it seem like this was a reality and we wanted to help Anna out.
Keep up the amazing content, Brunette!!
4.5/5
~Wolf