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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Risque!
Shape poetry is a gambit, but you seemed to pull off a decent amount of one-dimensional content in the space allotted. It's really nothing but I love you and heavy petting, which probably warrants a rating bump - I'll mention that - so it's raining on lovers.
I love that scene because my first kiss was in a light rain, c'est la vie and all that.
So opening, the rain falls on the lovers where it stains red and pink, so it either means blood or lipstick, and I think I'd rather read it the lipstick route given how it evolves. The way the narrator keeps counting the raindrops, or counting with the raindrops, or counting over the raindrops makes me feel like she's keeping time with the rain, which is nice and fresh, plus it matches the natural rhythm of the heart (given the resting beat between beats).
I need to ask, though, why this needs to be a poem instead of a short story or any other mode of literature? What does it accomplish in this medium that it couldn't accomplish elsewhere, otherwise? You need to embrace poetic elements: metaphor, imagery (stronger), motif, lyricism, refrain; and utilize them to build something that irrevocably belongs in the world of poetry.
Beyond that, decent job given the self-restraints. Keep on keeping on.
Ty
Thank you Lumi! That helped A LOT! I'll probably be revising all day until I'm satisfied.
Not going to give you a review, but you spelled blots wrong.
I'll be sure to fix that! Thanks!
This will be a rather short review, as I don't have much to say about this poem. It was absolutely beautiful! The poem flowed well, it was beautifully written, and I love the creative format! I love writing poems in the shape of other things. I wrote a poem about the rain in the shape of an umbrella haha. Anyway, the only things I noticed was that the shape is a little fat for a raindrop (although they don't really have a set "shape" many cartoons and such have them in a longer shape and they get fatter at the bottom.) This isn't really an issue, it's just something I noticed. I understand that it can be very difficult to make the right shape and still have your poem flow well. Also, the title could be a little more intriguing, but as I am very bad at titles myself, I can't really provide much advise here. Just try to make your titles more enticing to your readers, since the title is the first thing they read.
Anyway, that's it for this review. Sorry it was so short! Your poem is very beautiful and I didn't really see anything wrong with it. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
I've revised! Thank you for the review!
hey
its a beautiful piece of work I appreciate your creativity and I really enjoyed this while looking and reading. I wish you could have add some more lines to it, but still it is awesome. I too desire to write like this and hope to try it soon. at the end I just wanna say that you have done a great job. I wish to see some more work from you. keep writing never cease. thanks!!