It’s 9:00 at night on a Saturday
and you’re a little bit lonely
so you stare at your phone,
hoping the light will blink,
proving he has texted you.
It seems impossible,
that one could get any sleep
staring at their phone
with such conviction,
but the lack of sleep
and skewed emotions
create a delirium,
one in which you text him.
You always text first.
The conversation
(if it can be called that)
goes per usual.
Simple talk,
you start.
Waiting for a response.
your brain recalls his face,
the little things he does,
and then his smile.
A knee jerk smile spreads.
He ends the thread quickly.
You sit split in two pieces.
One wonders shyly
if he smiles when his light blinks
and he sees it’s you.
The other jitters with confliction
over why you always start the conversation
and why he always ends it.
So you wait for him,
but you give in at the end
because who can stand eternity?
Eventually, you let your Mr. Hyde get the best of you.
You look at your shoes when you pass him.
You cease from saying “hi” or anything more.
At 9:00 at night on a Saturday,
you finally give up and shun your phone.
If you leave it you leave him.
It’s easier that way.
Time will pass.
It never was anything.
But it was something.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya, TheColoroftheSky! Casanova here for ANOTHER review!
I'm not doing the good/bad points this time. I'm just going to tell you what I actually think, point out what's good/bad, then give you ways to improve(if you need to improve, that is.)
The wording was meh, I felt like you could have done better at it. Over all it's not a bad poem, but I know that you could have done better if you tried. It was a little bit much for what it was- but just that. A bit much. Anyway- on to the actual points.
What I mean about the wording-
"announcing that he has texted you."
For some reason this jumped out at me as a no no. It just seems weird- as if,"announcing," doesn't belong here, if you get what I'm trying to say.
The other thing I noticed was the flow. It's choppy, it screws up, and it just isn't consistent. You use punctuation in an okay way, but some lines jump at me as if they should be read a lot faster than others because of it, and some feel as if they should be read slower than others. If that makes any sense at all.
You have an okay subject matter- I've seen it around a thousand times but honestly it doesn't get boring to read it. Honestly, just work at your ideas and have some fun with it. You're not rhyming- so you're not stuck in the same old same old type of poem- you should play around a bit more. Don't stick to a meter, try something different. Find your true poet's voice- because I don't think this is it. But don't get discouraged- this isn't the best thing you will ever right.
Your friend- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
I read one of your poems earlier and now I've found this one and I think it's really good. Your style is very different to any style I've seen before, and I like that because it's original. Very good choice of title as it really drew me in and I wanted to see what this poem was about. The two last lines are beautiful and finish off the poem perfectly, in my opinion.
Well done!
Heyaa, thecolorofthesky!!
Here I am back with a review for you!!
This poem is very colourful. The title of the poetry was again catchy and captivating.
The theme of the poem is very sweet. It is romantic and is related with the sms and text messages. I e-specially loved the lines at the beginning:
It is the most sweety sweety part which is full of innocense.
The words which you have used here, are also very beautiful. The pom has a nicee flow, but just a smallish suggestion is to break up the poem in few stanzas. It will add a grace to your poem.
Thats it. I was impressed by the style of your writing, and the beutiful words you use.
Awesome work!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Have a great day/evening!
wow! just wanted to say I thought that was really beautiful! it was one of the first poems I read on this site and I'm really impressed. I want to try to write like you because of how relatable and clear you writing is. please continue to make more poems! I love the way you write. I wanted to give criticism but I really have nothing helpful...if anything I'm the one learning from this. loved it lots. good job!!!!
I was going to review this poem, but I feel like I can't offer any helpful criticisms - it was too amazing!!!
~ spectator
Well this took my day into a pretty real place... I think that poems like this that aren't exactly sad, but certainly aren't happy really are the best at pulling your heartstrings. Melancholy is strangely one of my favorite emotions, though of course I never think so at the time XD
Keep it up and I'll be looking out for your poems I know!
Anyways, I thought the way you wrote this was just really well done. The way one line flows into the other only hit me towards the end because it just read so smoothly I didn't really think about it until the last few lines. I for one can also appreciate what's happening in the poem and I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would say the same; unreciprocated feelings that are let go after a time of uncertainty.... bleh. I don't want to get too in depth with all that because I might go all teary on you, but what I wanted to say was, good job. There aren't enough new poems like this coming from young people nowadays and it's nice to see that all hope is not lost
I'm glad you could relate to this. Alot of feeling went into this piece. I have another new piece called "Rocks" that is slightly similar and might lift your spirits a little more. Thank you for the review!