I
love
you.
Bless the breathe
that leaves your lungs.
The comfortable,
ever familiar softness
of your cadence.
Praise the light in your eyes,
sparks bursting
as they come into contact with mine.
Your ocean eyes of
blended blue watercolor strokes,
painted the canvas on my mind.
Your name has a holy reverence
as it flows off my lips
lit by a halo.
I melt as I watch
the sunrise mosaic
illuminate your fair skin.
Let this poem,
revised from unspoken words,
in the purgatory of being a draft,
one day fly from my mouth
to reach you,
like a paper airplane,
lipstick stain on the fold,
destined to deliver the message.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,030 Literary Works • 672,904 Reviews
Hi there
)
To start with, I LOVED your poem.
And...I'm not that good with reviewing yet, but I'm gonna try.
Most poems that I come across, don't even make me feel anything, and so I don't feel like reviewing them.
But your poem made me feel something, so though your poem already has quite a many reviews, I'm not backing off... hahaha.
So to start with, I loved your description about the person, and the way you've praised the person.
But I wish It was a little longer, cus after I was done reading it, I still felt like it was a little bit incomplete. There's something missing, I'm not sure what.
May be you could write more about your emotions, and how the waiting is making you feel.
You can describe your desperation to let the person know about your feelings, a little more in depth.
I know the waiting is supposed to drive one crazy, and it's not easy.
And I'm sure you are not gonna rewrite this poem anytime soon, because in my case, no matter how many people tell me to make the millions of changes I should be making, I hardly ever do that. Call me lazy.
But hey, just in case you rewrite it, work a bit more on expanding it. Not dragging though.
I found the flow perfectly fine, despite other people complaining about it..
Andddd........ .
I think it should be "breath" and not breathe, in the fourth line of the poem. Isn't it ? Maybe that's just me. *shrugging*
And...dear you ought to work on the capitalization, though it seems very non important.
Annnnnnnd to conclude, please write more.
Cus, like I said, your poem made me feel something, feel good I guess.
And...I will read every poem that you post
I'm gonna follow you too
Have a great day.
Xx
This is Kaos here for a review!
In this stanza, you have three semicolons in a row. Three. Punctuation is good, but it really does feel excessive in this stanza. A semicolon is used to connect two similar and independent clauses, and you really went overboard with them I'd say. I also thought the lines starting with "a need" didn't work or hold up very well.
I like the concept or idea of this part of the poem, but it just feels like it was executed weakly. Keep the idea of having a bucket list or having things that you want to do but haven't, and put it into stronger lines.
The lines in the poem feel a bit bare-boned to me except towards the end where they picked up and actually had some imagery that I enjoyed. Make the poetry an image instead of just telling the reader something. Spice it up so it isn't just /stating/ the lines, but putting emotion into them. Say you're protesting something, saying that you protest doesn't really do much to help the protesting, rather you have to be active in that sort of thing to make a difference.
This was definitely my favorite part of the poem! It has strong lines and holds up, has a nice structure, but the only thing I can really say is that, again, you do use a sort of a larger amount of punctuation it seems? Which you don't need for every line. Specifically, commas. Break the lines up rather than dragging them on so long or make the lines vary in length.
That's all I had to say about the poem, have a great day and I hope this helped you!
Thanks, Kaos! That review was super helpful. The punctuation at the beginning was all messy and the old lines blurred with the new ones. I needed a new perspective. Write on!
Hello again! Chilow back at it again with the white vans- I mean reviews! Here we go!
I think I might just be your biggest fan, so take everything I say with a grain of salt, as it will probably be positively biased. Anyways, I loved this poem. I loved basically everything about this poem, from the format to the rhythm to the very message it carried.
Throughout the poem it seemed to me as if it were directed to someone that you (or at least the person who's perspective this is) idolizes, or otherwise looks up to. I like poetry (and really any literary form) that can touch upon the simple and yet complex way that people can utterly love and respect one another. I hope that I'm not just pulling this out of nowhere, but that's at least the vibe I was getting.
Towards the end, I /really/ enjoyed the reference to your revision and subsequent publishing of the poem. Literature that just states it is literature hold a special place in my heart for some reason, and I couldn't tell you why. Really the /only/ thing I could find at all wrong with this was in the lines;
"why your name has a holy reverence
as it flows of my lips."
^I think you meant "off my lips," but that might just be me and my small mind not comprehending your grandeur, so please excuse if this is the case xD
Anyways, I hope this is even remotely helpful, and as always, fantastic job! Keep up the good writing and know that I will be reading in the future
Hi ,
I'm not a great reviewer , I really liked your poem, but I think the really short lines are disturbing the flow of reading . Still it is a beautiful poem .
Kazey here for a quick review!
I'm gonna be blunt. I loved this poem. It was so realistic and relatable. The vocabulary you used was incredibly evocative which really brought the poem to life in my mind, so well done. I'm gonna have to disagree with Cas on the capitalisation. I also used to believe that every line should be capitalised, but my time on this site has shown me that, while in the time of the Classics that was true, it is not required in modern poetry. And I love the way you toyed with capitalisation here.
The only qualms I had were a few really short lines that disrupt the flow. Always read poems out loud to find out where the flow is jolted and where it is smooth. It does help, trust me.
Anyway, thank you for a fabulous poem, and my best wishes on your future endeavours.
~Kazey
Heya, The ColoroftheSky! Your friend Casanova here to review your wonderful poem!
Alright, I've been trying a different way of reviewing. First I'll start off with the good(if any) then list the bad(if any) in the poem. Bear with me- I'm extremely tired but also hyper so my mind may drift between points, but hopefully you'll get my main meaning of this review.
The first good thing I noticed- the idea. It's actually raw material that I really enjoyed and I hope to see it in a different format.
Anyway- to continue. For the most part the flow was pretty good- the punctuation in the right spots so you could tell when the pauses were and when it was supposed to stop and start. So props for that.
As for the bad(the nitpicks, the flaws, the errors, whatever you want to call them)
The lack of Capitalization is bugging me. You should always capitalize the first word of each line in poetry. I don't know why- but it's a rule.
The other thing was a bit of the flow- it a couple places it falls short and is too long.
Examples-
"I realized that there are so many things
I want to do."
This is longer than the other lines and makes it flow in a weird way.
"Telling you this
is the start of tackling
a long and somewhat tedious list
of to-dos, goals, and dreams."
This is a lot longer than the previous lines and the lines after. Here you should pause just a bit- try a comma or a semicolon. I think you'll find that it will help.
The thing that bugs me the most is at the end.
"I’m glad I’ve met you.
Thank you for everything."
After everything else you've written these two lines really make this poem fall flat. Try using something else- or you could change the poem a bit. For some reason with the way everything else is written these two lines just seem out of place- I have no clue why.
Anyway, keep writing and I will eventually get around to reviewing your portfolio.
Props to your writing- I'll see you around.
Sincerely- Matthew Casaova Aaron.