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Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, unfortunately self-centered princess. Her name was Sky, and her father wanted her to get married. Sky was amazingly mean. Her father wanted her to get married so he could move out. The Queen had died when Sky was born, and the King was too depressed to remarry. Unfortunately, (again) when she was meeting different princes from different faraway lands, the prince would say something horribly offending. Then, Sky would throw something from the contents of the room they were in at the prince. So, she really would never make friends. She would sit by the window all day and stare at the world around the castle.
Of course, every castle has to have servants, and there were only a few for some odd reason at this particular castle. There was one beautiful servant named Elyria, who had a heart the size of two fists. And reader, you must know of what happens in this story when someone learns to love. When someone learns to love, they gain a special power. Elyria loved so much she had ten special powers. Elyria was a girl that could make sour hearts sweet. But she just couldn’t make Sky’s heart sweet.
Staring out the window all day must get boring, and Sky only got up to meet princes, for hope she would like the next one. But she never did.
Sky had just finished pouring hot water down an Indian prince’s pants, which sent him running all the way back to India. She sat down again and stared out the window.
Days later, the month became December and she looked at the swirling patterns on the window. She remembered when she was a tiny little girl and she asked her father why there were designs on the windows. Her father had replied like this. “Sky, Jack Frost and I have a deal. He just loves to put designs on windows in winter, so I said; ‘You may put designs on our windows if you make them the best ever.’ And he does. Now, does that answer your question?” Then she nodded and walked slowly to her room.
Then her flashback ended.
She looked out the window and saw someone very small painting on her window.
“Who are you?” Sky demanded.
“Quiet down. You’re going to make me mess up.”
“Who are you?” she was almost screaming. The little man with the paintbrush was rattled while he was painting.
“Jack Frost!”
“Really?”
“Sky, you must learn to love or you will not get a special power.” He flew away.
Sky did not know what to think.
Just then, Elyria came in with a plan that had to work.
“Sky, do you want to hear a story?”
“Fine, but I know it will be horrible.”
“Once there was a beautiful baby girl that had been born as a princess. She slept all day and cried all night.
“Then one day, when the little princess was crying, a robber climbed up the vines on the sides of the castle. He just happened to get into the baby girl’s window, with another baby girl on his back. He quietly switched the two. He was a poor, with a little princess in his hands. He climbed down the vines and ran to the village.
“Then he raised the little girl until she was thirteen. Then the king said ‘All of the servants have run away. I need one family from the village to be servants.’ Everyone in the kingdom locked their doors. Most of the servants in the kingdom were treated badly and were not paid. Then the knights in shining armor came and knocked down the little girl’s house and took her family away. The little girl kicked and cried as she was taken away to the castle.
“She became a servant, and her father told her that she was of royal blood. He told her to never tell the royal family because they would never understand. Soon her family died and she was the only servant in the castle. The king didn’t mind one speck. Then she worked all day and all night to do the jobs that her family would be doing.”
Sky was listening.
“But then one day she was sick, and didn’t get any of the jobs done. The king said, ‘Throw her out on the streets. She is of no use to us.’”
Elyria said, “That’s my story.”
Sky cried. She hugged Elyria. Sky’s heart was growing. She wasn’t mean anymore.
Sky said, “In this kingdom?”
“Yes.”
“I was a poor?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll take your spot if you’d like.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“No it isn’t.”
Sky started to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“Where I belong.”
That night there was a blizzard on the streets where Sky had settled. But reader, do you remember what happens when someone learns to love in this story? Sky had gotten her special power. Fire. It came flaring out of her hands, right when she needed it most. Elyria came out and said, “The King understands. You may come live with us.” And they all lived happily ever after... for some time.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well...I reviewed the first version of this earlier so here I am to review the edited version. On first glance it seems like there is a ton of improvements. The overall flow has really been streamlined quite a bit more and some of the vague bits have been fleshed out more and all of those are good things.
Anyway let's get right to it,
So this one is a definite step up from the previous version of this. Its a lot clearer and having a proper reason for everything that's going on is also definitely helping out quite a bit here and that's always nice to see.
Well this introduction seems pretty similar to the previous one and it definitely is good. But now that I'm reading through this yet again I can't help but wonder what those other powers must be.
Well that seems like kind of an unnecessary scene now. I mean its great that its separated and clearer but its also just a really short piece that doesn't seem to really help the story or convey anything except a joke and while jokes are great, you don't want them to seem forced like this.
Okay I see that this transition and most of the others have all been very much improved and the whole piece flows a lot smoother than it did before.
Ooh I do love that new interaction as well. It just seems at least a little bit more natural than it was before. Earlier it was a little more forced.
"a poor" kind of seems like you might have forgotten a word there.
Well...I want to say the King is evil for not paying them enough and treating them badly but then he just lets all of them run away without like butting a bounty or something. Its seems kind of like a nice thing to do for him to just get new servants, almost like he let the others earn their freedom.
Oh dear that is some extremely tragic backstory that's been spit out right there and without a trace of an emotional reaction. I'm hoping that maybe Elyria would at least react a little to this whole ordeal, it might be some time since this happened but its still got to be severely traumatic.
Ohh...wait a minute...is "a poor" supposed to be like a classification 'cause it seems a little strange.
Well...that ending is both simultaneously more satisfying and also even more of a cliffhanger that leaves you wringing your hair out.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is now a much better fairytale, and I can appreciate it all the more for it. The ending I'm still not a fan of especially considering this is a fairytale but that's just my personal preference.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You've got a storyline, but it'll need a lot of work. The main problem is that so much of it is narrative summary. You need to break all of the summary up into actual scenes. You've got a whole novel's worth of storyline crammed into a page or so. You need to write it as a story not a summary.
Eg.
Instead of just saying this, you should do a whole scene about their meeting and actual dialogue between her and the princes, with plenty of detail of course.
Also "Once upon a time" isn't very original. About as unoriginal as you can get to put it bluntly.
I liked this part. Humour is good in any story, so it's good to see some included. As I said before, you should expand on this. You could do a whole chapter on her meeting this prince and them going for a walk or something. Show us what leads up to her pouring hot water down his pants.
The ending... Well. Let's just say that nobody as nasty as Sky would suddenly become caring and loving and throw themselves out on the streets for her servant's sake from just hearing that story. If you expand on this you could make that the final thing that makes her good, but there'd need to be plenty more leading up to it, because at the moment the change is way too sudden, and not at all believable.
You may have meant a poor person. Poor is an adjective (describing word). You've used it as a noun (object or thing).
I understand that you are a lot younger than me, so you've got plenty of time to improve your skills. I didn't start writing (apart from school) until I was 14 and I've come a long way. I'm sure you will too.
Wow. Um...yeah. That was...inteeresting. But it does need work. not spelling work, but the actual story needs to be worked on. think about it for a little while longer. then repost it.