I really don’t care about grammar… as long as you like my story!
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“Ouch!”Annaleigh felt the bat bite. She felt the cold little teeth sink into her neck. The bat left a bloody scar, and Annaleigh had an urge to go home. She was cold. A few seconds before, she was fine, but now, she was freezing.
When she and her best friend Leslie came out of the cave, Leslie asked, “What’s wrong?”
“A bat bit me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m freezing. I gotta take a hot shower.”
“You look paler.”
“I’m bleeding right know, so let’s worry about that.”
“Why did Mr. G have to pick this field trip?”
“Mr. G!” Annaleigh felt a pain to her teeth. She touched her canine teeth. They were sharp. Mr. G came rushing. He had a first – aid kit. Annaleigh pulled her hair into a bun. Mr. G put some gauze on the scar, and then put a large band aid on the gauze.
“Thanks. And by the way, why did we come here anyway?”
“To learn about some of the animals that live in caves.”
“Okay,” Annaleigh said, and it began to rain. She ran into the cave with a flashlight. She ran to the end of the cave, and she heard a faint dripping sound. She turned on the flashlight and sat down against the cold wall. She looked around with the flashlight. On the right, she saw an unfamiliar boy. Annaleigh blinked. He was still there.
“Who… who… who are you?”
“Terence. I’m the rumor around these parts.”
“What rumor?”
“That I’m a vampire. They’re right.”
“Were you the bat that bit me?”
“Yup, you’ll be twelve forever too.”
“What? That… that can’t be possible.”
“Yes it is. I’ve lived in this cave for one hundred years.”
“And you’re still twelve?”
“Yup.”
“Oh gosh.”
“You best get out now.”
Annaleigh ran as fast as she could.
At dinner that night, Annaleigh said, “I think I’ve stopped growing.” Her father dropped his fork. Annaleigh’s family was about the tallest in the county. She was supposed to be about like, 6’6. “May I be excused?”
“Yes,” her father grumbled.
Annaleigh still felt cold. She stripped her clothes off quickly, and got in the shower. She turned the water up hot. She was still cold. She turned it up to full blast. It felt like a winter day. She was careful about her bandage. She got out and dried herself. She put on her pajamas and walked to her own room and cried herself to sleep on that Friday night.
The next day, Annaleigh went over to the cave again. She walked into the back of the cave, and then heard the faint dripping noise. “You aren’t a vampire quite yet. You still have to die,” the boy’s voice said. Annaleigh had her hand in her pocket, ready to grab out her cell phone and call 911.
She felt a hand touch her shoulder. She was thrown into a dark hard room, and she saw the boy. “I will be back soon to kill you, and you will be my wife because I never had one,” he said.
Annaleigh took out her cell phone and dialed 911. There was no respond. Then she dialed Leslie’s number. No respond. She looked at her bars. None. Then right there, she felt tears come to her eyes. They were about to flow, but a force sucked them in, and made her smile. Annaleigh knew the boy was going to kill her any second. Her bandage fell off, and slowly, the gauze fell to the ground. But then Annaleigh overcame the force. She cried, and she was out of the cave. She heard a voice say, “All I ever wanted was a wife.” Annaleigh looked around. She saw maybe about thirty corpses. Had they been his wives? Annaleigh was scared now. What if the boy really is going to kill me? she thought.
A hand touched her shoulder. Please god, oh please. she thought. She struggled, but nothing worked. She wasn’t dead yet. Suddenly, the hand let go. Annaleigh ran and didn’t dare look back.
Annaleigh ran to Leslie’s house. She knew that her own father would never understand. She rang the tuned doorbell. “Leslie, you have to help me.”
“With what? Homework?”
“No. Vampires. That bat that bit me was a vampire. He said that he was going to kill me and then marry me.”
“Come in.”
“Can we look up vampires on knowflash.com?”
“Yeah.”
They rushed to the computer. Leslie typed in knowflash.com. A book appeared. Leslie typed vampires on the book. She clicked enter, and the book opened.
Some people have had trouble with vampires. If someone is dying, a vampire can bite the dying one’s neck and they will both be vampires. If you ever come face – to – face with a vampire, always have garlic. That can kill the vampire.
“Do you have any garlic?”
“Ask my mom. She probably knows how to kill the vampire.”
“Hey Mrs. Anthony, I’m having trouble with a vampire. Do you have any garlic?” Annaleigh said as she walked into Leslie’s mom’s office.
“Yes.” She pulled open a drawer in her big desk and pulled out a garlic necklace. “Wear this.”
“Thank you.”
Annaleigh and Leslie went to the cave. “I’ll scream if I need help.”
“Okay,” replied Leslie.
Annaleigh stepped into the cave.
A large boy with a knife pounced on her. Annaleigh tried to get free but she couldn’t. She pulled out the necklace and quickly put it on. Please work, she thought. Suddenly, the boy shattered into a million pieces.
Annaleigh walked out, covered in cold blood. Thank you god, she thought.
Annaleigh hugged Leslie.
“He’s gone,” she said. “He shattered into a million pieces.”
“Okay, from start to finish, tell me what really happened here.”
“You know it has to do with magic, and that was what the garlic did…”
And that reader, is Annaleigh’s story, the story you have just finished reading.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
This story has a good plot, and I like it, but the rest of it is just too simple.
You could do so much with this if you strengthened it and made it longer.
The dialogue was weak.
The part where Annaleigh asks Leslie's mom for garlic is odd. People don't usually talk about being bittin by a vampire as if it is a normality. And really, what kind of people keep garlic necklaces in their desk drawers?
This story has a lot of potential. Work on it, and it'll be great.
As my good friend Kyllorac said, You have an excellent base. In fact, all three of your stories on YWS have a good plot, if a little simple, but that can be developed.
Your biggest problem seems to be that you want to write the next bit really badly so you rush it to get the whole story told quickly. I know how that feels. It took me about 45 days to write the first draft of the novel I'm working on now, and at times I got very bored and would have liked to summarise and move on quickly. However, this jeopardises the story, because nobody wants to read a novel like that.
Here's a brilliant web page: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/snowflake.php
It's one author's way of writing his stories. Instead of going from start to finish in full detail which can get tedious and make you impatient, he writes it short as you've done and builds it up step by step. If you find it more natural to write simple first it may be the way for you. I haven't used it, but I think I'll try it for my next story. Give it a go if it appeals to you.
Now back to your story.
I've been in the tropics where there are bats and there was a lot of media scare about diseases you can get from them. The point is that if someone was bitten by a bat it wouldn't be a matter of putting on a bandaid. It would be rush to hospital, heavy duty antiseptics, close surveilance and pray you don't get meningitis (I think that's what the bats were carrying where I went).
Her father drops his fork because he's so surprised at this statement, yet he simply grumbles yes when she asks to leave the table. It would be more realistic if he asked; "What do you mean, stopped growing."
This is good. The comparison to a winter's day is a lot more powerful than if you were to simply say it felt cold.
Leslie seems way too casual. If my best friend came running to my door saying they'd been bitten by a vampire and the vampire was trying to kill them, I'd be shocked and scared and confused. "Come in," doesn't cut it.
How old are these children. By this exchange they sound about 6, but the rest of the story makes them sound at least 10. Very young children think that mum can do anything, but they soon grow out of that, and they would well and truly have figured out that their parents aren't godlike by 10. If I were in that situation at that age I wouldn't have asked my mum because I'd be scared she wouldn't believe me.
The mother's blase reaction is even more unrealistic. Put it this way; if you said to your friend's mum “Hey Mrs. Anthony, I’m having trouble with a vampire. Do you have any garlic?” Do you think she'd say sure and give it to you or give you a really strange look. I know which answer would apply for me.
This is funny - and I don't think you were going for that. Ask yourself: How many people have necklaces made out of garlic in their office drawers?
To summarise, you've got a good plot, and grammar was fine. Areas that need work are characters - in particular the way they react to situations, and writing style - which needs to become more descriptive and slow down the pace.
To finish off I'd like to reitterate that you've got a good base for a story here, and you could edit this taking into account everyone's advice, and use it as a plan of sorts to help you write a more detailed version. Also be sure to check out that website I lnked you to.
Catch you later,
Jeff
For someone who doesn't care about grammar, you did a pretty good job with following the rules.
This story has a lot of potential. The basic plot isn't all that original, but it was still interesting enough for me to finish reading this story. Still, everything has been super simplified, and this really hurts the story.
The characters are flat and predictable, especially the vampire. The vampire has so much potential as a character, and if you took the effort, you could make him into a truly chilling villain. As is, his motivations and his demise come off as cheesy. I don't think you were going for cheesy.
You don't expand on certain important areas of the plot (like the confrontation between Annaleigh and the vampire), and the story feels very rushed as a result. A bit of description of how the bite felt, what the cave looked like, how the vampire sounded, and so on would be nice as it makes the world more concrete and easy to imagine. This would also slow down the pacing and help make the story feel much less rushed. Just be careful not to overdo the descriptions.
The dialogue is very blah. It obviously exists only to advance the plot, and this makes it difficult to get into the story. The characters and their dialogue should feel natural. If it feels unnatural, it's difficult for the reader to get into the story because they're constantly getting kicked out by a sense of off-ness.
So, to summarize, you need to work on characterization, dialogue, and pacing. Description and expanding a bit on the plot would help improve the pacing while not over-simplifying everything would really improve the story as a whole.
You have an excellent base; I hope you add onto it and make it something really wonderful.
Very interesting. But I personally think you should rewrite this,change it around, and make it longer. You may be a really big hit if you do! Trust me. You know how to write one good story kid!
You should have made her into a vamp.
Woulda been cool.
okay, I like the plot for your story but your dialgue is weak. And you Seem rushed. Also when your wrote your story you make people seem simple minded you have to remeber people are much more complex than that. Also the begining of your story started with action and something exciting and that part was captivating but it also was weak. You need to spend more time working on the beginging and make your story stronger. Also if you want to continue your story be careful...
make your story orginal.
It was a nice idea but I just get the feeling that it is very rushed apart from that its alright.