Emerald - Chapter 1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this is quite the little start to this story here. I think it definitely has some quite interesting potential there as a children's book, its the kind of story one could certainly learn a thing or two from, even just judging off this first little chapter.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Once there was a beautiful horse called Emerald. She had a stunning black coat, dotted with white splotches, and her eyes were a shimmering green. As a foal, Emerald lived with her mother, on the Lewis’ farm. The Lewises were a small family, but they all cared for their farm with love and warmth. Emerald spent her days lounging about and grazing. She had been raised on this farm, and she loved it very much.

When Emerald had grown up a bit more, the man of the family, Peter, began to train her. It was strange at first, all the equipment he used, but she soon got used to it. She eventually let the little girls who lived on the farm out for rides. Afterwards, they groomed her until her coat was smooth, and her mane was plaited. Somewhat.

One day, Peter came to the paddock where Emerald and her mother were nibbling their evening grass. The sun was going down, and the sky was a brilliant shade of purple, pinks and yellows. Peter walked up to Emerald with a halter and lead rope in his hands. He looked deep into her magnificent eyes. Emerald got a funny feeling. Surely It was too late for training now? It was almost their supper time. Peter put a hand on her neck. It was lovely and soft. The girls had spent ages that afternoon giving her a groom. Emerald’s mother gave her a glance, her eyes filled with happiness, yet also sorrow. She nickered softly. Then, Emerald understood. It was time. Time for a new chapter to begin. Suddenly, her heart ached with sorrow, and she moved closer to her mother for one last goodbye. Although she was sad, she knew that Peter would take care of her well, just as he had done with her. With a final glimpse, Emerald and Peter walked away.

hmm, I'm intereested now, but also kinda sad for emerald! I wonder where this is going, you know? This was very well-written and it sounds a lot like the Book Black Beuty to me. I really love horses, so I was happy to read this, and I could tell it was very nice and I enjoyed it very much, but I feel like this could be elaborated a bit more, you know? I wonder why Everyone here is so sad...

That is all! I wish you a great day/night.

Hi everyone,
I've loved all your reviews so far. You have all made me feel very welcome. I appreciate you all taking time to stop by and have a look at my story. I really look up to most of you and you were some of the first people I saw on YWS so thanks for that.
I will take all of your wonderful suggestions. They really bring me to my senses (if you know what I mean) and made me look at my story in a completely different way.
Overall thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.
Kindly,
-TheRapper

Hello! I love how you plan to make this a children's fantasy book. As someone who has experience with writing stuff for children (and was admittedly had a Geronimo Stilton phase, but certainly most of us have gone under that, right? Right?), I'll be glad to write a review for this! I'll be giving a general overview on how I think it is.

Plot:
Children generally love animals so it's nice that you start with a horse. The plot is simple. Emerald grows in a farm and then has to leave the farm. This is enough to hook kids who would read anything they get their hands on.

Gramar/Vocabulary:
I'm not exactly sure who your target audience is. An audience of 4-6 years old is vastly different to those who are 7-9. Let's say the target audience is 7-9. There are some words that can be simplified. Such as...."lounging about" into "sleeping" or "relaxing". And personally, not all kids could understand idioms. So maybe instead of a new chapter, you could say a new beginning, although this is quite minor. Besides from that, I couldn't see much grammatical errors.

Delivery:
Children like straightforward and relatable things. That's why we usually hear them ask "what do you mean" and "why". They want things in their language and things explained. I'm sure a child will be interested with this chapter. But if I read it to them, they'll ask me "Why did Emerald go away?" Explaining it will not only satisfy the child, but help the person who may be reading this to them.


Suggestions:
It will be nice if you define your audience. Children 4-6 would need more pictures than words and wouldn't stay long for chapters. Children 7-9 can take longer passages and chapters, but would still need pictures here and there. Children 10-12 can take books like Matilda and perhaps books like Wonder or the Hobbit if they are truly voracious. So identifying your audience will help you know what approach you should take with your vocabulary and storytelling

Overall, I can't wait to see more from you! This seems like a worthwhile project so keep it up!!

This is alpacaboss, signing off.

Okay, first of all, welcome to YWS!! I haven't seen another childs storybook writer here on YWS yet so you are a specially excellent edition to this community.


I liked this piece quite a bit. Your style is very suiting to young readers. The little details about sensory elements such as the soft fur and bright colors of the sun add an excellent touch to the book. I remember that back when I was a little kid and my mom read my storybooks I loved the books that included lots of little details about how things tasted, felt, and looked. So, keep up the great work there!!

Also, nice job with keeping this piece short. Little kids get impatient for the page to turn.

I do have a couple of critiques. The first is that although I know what you meant by words such as paddock, plaited etc because I grew up with a neighbor who owned horses, maybe not everyone will know what those words mean? I can't judge. Maybe most people do know what those words mean, but I suggest making it a little more obvious what is meant by those words or defining them somehow.

I noticed that you have nice control over Grammer so I ont have much to critique there except this...

It was strange at first, all the equipment he used, but she soon got used to it.

Surely It was too late for training now?

Hello there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment on your story. It feels like that movie "Spirit" maybe because of the horse there. Is it inspired? I also haven't read that much children's books nowadays so I am happy this took me back to being a child again. I also see you are new here so welcome to the site.

Once there was a beautiful horse called Emerald. She had a stunning black coat, dotted with white splotches, and her eyes were a shimmering green. As a foal, Emerald lived with her mother, on the Lewis’ farm. The Lewises were a small family, but they all cared for their farm with love and warmth. Emerald spent her days lounging about and grazing. She had been raised on this farm, and she loved it very much.

When Emerald had grown up a bit more, the man of the family, Peter, began to train her. It was strange at first, all the equipment he used, but she soon got used to it. She eventually let the little girls who lived on the farm out for rides. Afterwards, they groomed her until her coat was smooth, and her mane was plaited. Somewhat.

One day, Peter came to the paddock where Emerald and her mother were nibbling their evening grass. The sun was going down, and the sky was a brilliant shade of purple, pinks and yellows. Peter walked up to Emerald with a halter and lead rope in his hands. He looked deep into her magnificent eyes. Emerald got a funny feeling. Surely It was too late for training now? It was almost their supper time. Peter put a hand on her neck. It was lovely and soft. The girls had spent ages that afternoon giving her a groom. Emerald’s mother gave her a glance, her eyes filled with happiness, yet also sorrow. She nickered softly. Then, Emerald understood. It was time. Time for a new chapter to begin. Suddenly, her heart ached with sorrow, and she moved closer to her mother for one last goodbye. Although she was sad, she knew that Peter would take care of her well, just as he had done with her. With a final glimpse, Emerald and Peter walked away.