Young Writers Society

Hi, I'm Lullaby just dropping in to do a short review of this lovely collection of poems!

It's clear that the narrator is experiencing a deep deep pain through the way it is written. The short lines can indicate shortness of breath or temper, as if getting these words out is just too difficult but they need to. Keeping the short lines consistent throughout is a nice touch, especially when considering the repetition in wilting and blanking. All three of these poems go together hand-in-hand with the clear tone of sadness and grief and I think it was clever to upload them as a collection rather than separate.
To agree with Gengar, the metaphors really stick out as a prominent feature but also the imagery of the lines:

the sky shines blue
yet the water is red

the pen and paper dance together

Is this the fate of the one who pleas to all, and can no longer adjust?

Happy RevMo! Gengar here to leave a review!


General Impression:

I think you are a great poet; each poem was very emotionally packed and a joy to read!

What I Liked:

Your imagery is very strong! I love poetry with complex metaphors, especially when the poem itself is a metaphor. What would happen if you had a metaphor within a metaphor, then? *gasp* Metaphor-ception!!

I also like the repetition of certain words, it really emphasizes the point of your poetry

Areas of Improvement:

Usually, poetry is not published in collections, but rather one-by-one. I understand why you may do this (maybe you just wanted to save points, or maybe the poems all have a similar theme), but it makes it a little more difficult to review all three. I would suggest publishing future poems separately from each other (or, if you don’t want to publish, there’s threads like Poem Spot - [on the spot] where you can post them).

I hope my review could be helpful. I wish you a good day/night!
—GengarIsBestBoy

Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Hello my friend! Ellie Mae here for a review. Also, I wanted to give you another warm welcome to YWS! Im happy to see you have already posted some of your own work! Its nice to see you in the forums too

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
OH BOY! Where do I even start? You posted so many lovely poems. For the sake of time, I will just be reviewing your third poem 'Blanking' in THIS review

Alrighty, so first of all, I love your use of the 'W' words. Who and what are repeated many times.This poem starts off with such a wonderful statement. "the pen and paper dance together" isnt that just incredible? That is super descriptive and such a cool way to think about writing. As it goes on I get the impression of having writer's block, when I cant think of what to write. Personally, i connect to this poem in the way of trying to write about hard things. Some stuff in life is just so overwhelming, then when i go to wrote about it, my mind is flooded with nothing and everything at the same time. It can be confusing, but thats what i thought of when i was reading this lovely piece of poetry.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

I feel that in most cases, starting multiple lines with the same words repeatedly can make the poem sound too repetitive, BUT this piece does it perfectly. I honestly don't know what feedback to give. I would normally recommend more punctuation, but i feel that the style you were going for does well without it.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece

Your repetition is glorious. It flows well. I aspire to write pieces like that, flowing that smoothly. I felt like I was reading thoughts.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Thanks for blessing YWS with your presence! Please keep writing!

Sincerely,
-Ellie Mae

First off, welcome to YWS! I also joined today.

I can tell a lot about your style of writing poetry since you published a collection with three poems in it.

What I like most about your first poem, Toxicity, are the lines "why must you taint|the water of my soul|the forest of my mind|the sky of my heart" They have beautiful wording and I like how the person describes their soul, mind, and heart as water, forest, and sky. The lines also show that the person knows the boy is toxic and knows that the "friendships shall not last." I do feel like the last line of Toxicity doesn't really go with the flow of the poem, though.

I like how in Wilting you say the world wilting in between three to four line sections that describe the wilt. This gives me a feeling that the wilting is taking over. The way you used nature words like soil, flowers, rain, sun and water show that the wilting that is happening because "you are no longer there" is somewhat similar to a garden wilting. My favorite lines of Wilting are "the sky shines blue|yet the water is red." The water is red because someone is gone. But who is gone? They must have been important if them leaving makes someone wilt so much.

Blanking is definitely my favorite in this collection of poems. It is beautiful and tells the story of the pen and paper, and how writing things helps remember your life. But when "the ink runs out" and "the mind goes dry", then all those important things are forgotten.

First off, welcome to YWS! I also joined today.

I can tell a lot about your style of writing poetry since you published a collection with three poems in it.

What I like most about your first poem, Toxicity, are the lines "why must you taint|the water of my soul|the forest of my mind|the sky of my heart" They have beautiful wording and I like how the person describes their soul, mind, and heart as water, forest, and sky. The lines also show that the person knows the boy is toxic and knows that the "friendships shall not last." I do feel like the last line of Toxicity doesn't really go with the flow of the poem, though.

I like how in Wilting you say the world wilting in between three to four line sections that describe the wilt. This gives me a feeling that the wilting is taking over. The way you used nature words like soil, flowers, rain, sun and water show that the wilting that is happening because "you are no longer there" is somewhat similar to a garden wilting. My favorite lines of Wilting are "the sky shines blue|yet the water is red." The water is red because someone is gone. But who is gone? They must have been important if them leaving makes someone wilt so much.

Blanking is definitely my favorite in this collection of poems. It is beautiful and tells the story of the pen and paper, and how writing things helps remember your life. But when "the ink runs out" and "the mind goes dry", then all those important things are forgotten.