Young Writers Society

Hey there, Eli here during the last hours on this wonderful review day!

I will not comment the way you write the scenes as it seems to be a personal style. You do not seem to be new so you surely have seen how other people in this site write. The norm is to use '...' for the thoughts, "..." for speech of your persona and italics of maybe memories, past events, ghost from within, you call it. This put aside, this story has a wonderful moral, thought, to it. It might be not seen so as bright as it needs to be seen because of the lack of originality and maybe some grammar mistakes but honestly, I see those in other people's works who seem to have more details and more deeper concept of their story, they still have mistakes. We all do have mistakes and can not help but make them but this is why there are people like us here, the reviewers, we are here to help after all. This is our job!

The problems start from the intreduction into the story. I will not edit everything as it will make the review boring and weightful of not needed baggage.

I, Jessica Robert am a fun loving girl but as usually late for important tasks. Nothing in my life is normal since the day dad left us. My mom has been my best friend providing me all the liberty but still somewhere deep inside my heart I still miss my dad. My day usually starts with being late for small things. Though I go to bed early, I but always end up with getting late usually 8:55am. However, I still somehow manage to get ready within five minutes but the thing that troubles me is ‘MANAGEMENT’. My things are usually the victims of ‘lost property’. I’m quite good at losing stuffs specially phones and notebooks. Today I am searching for my ‘Project’.

In this start, you can find each other mistake you do in the rest of the story.

Just because it can get even better, does not mean the thought put into the story is not thrilling. Every single parent would understand the struggles to take care of their child alone. It is not the easiest thing to do.

Keep on writing!

It was a great piece but what it lacked are as follows:

1. Vocabulary: It is important to add vocab. It will give paramount touch to your piece.

2. Anxiety: Try to control it. Don't ever rush while writing a piece.

3. Construction: try to construct a story in more extended fashion.

Miss the way you sketched the whole scenery , it was well put . Though there are still areas you need to work on which I presume you will in no time , having written such a good story. they way were narrating the whole story it was absolutely fantastic but it lacked description and expression since stories like this usually have a lot of detailed description in it.

so lets start from scratch.

In first paragraph , they way you have provided description about yourself and your life its a bit incomplete which makes the reader think as if u have written this para in a hurry.

I jessica robbert am a fun loving girl(little more description) . I live with my mother. She has raised me alone because my father left us . Ever since he left us things are not quite normal in my life . my mother has to perform all my duties alone by herself. I never let her show my feelings about my father but deep inside I miss his absence in my life.

I have a habit of forgetting things no matter how small they are . I have to phase a hard time getting up to my alarm for school . I try to manage things but most of the time it does not happen. when it comes to losing stuff , I am always the winning player and today I am misplaced my project somewhere.

add expressions and descriptions in your writing , try to feel whatever you are writing . It engages the audience. you can only engage your audience if and only if you have engaged yourself while writing it .

Happy writing

Hello there, tammy777! I have arrived to critique your piece and provide some of my thoughts and comments. And, personally, I'm not quite sure what to make of this work. It's solid, and the writing is decent. The characters of the narrator and mother come alive in this piece through your usage of narration, the narrator's thoughts, and their relationship with each other. The mother seems like a decent and respectable person who isn't in the fairest of situations, while the narrator, as the story describes in detail, is more often an unfortunate individual who tends to forget or lose things and is generally disorganized. In other words, a person that I can relate to and understand. The mother's being harsh is at least somewhat justifiable, but I respect her kindness afterwards, especially given the context of the situation, and this change in heart helps bring a profound sense of realism to her. Furthermore, the lost parent aspect of this piece, and the consequences that fact provides on the both of them, is perhaps my favorite part of this work. In general, I respect your ability to provide a consistent and complex narrative, inserting in pieces of emotions and thoughts that indicate that the situation for both the main characters is complicated and often frustrating, yet also rewarding.

On the other hand, I am not a fan of the style of this work. The play-like description doesn't contribute much to this piece, and it makes both of the characters seem like talking heads - I can hear their conversations, but I know nothing about what they are doing in the process, what tone they are taking, or what the scene itself is. Thus, they could just as easily be two talking heads floating in an infinite void, and I would not know any better. Too, the wording in parentheses often serves as an invaluable conduit for the main character, their thoughts and ideas, and is perhaps one of the most essential parts of this story. So, I would heavily suggest switching to a narrative side, packing on details pertaining to the scene and time, and remove those parentheses around the narrator's thoughts and add those to the story. Beyond that, I must admit that this story is littered with grammatical and spelling errors, which do not contribute to the general emotions of the story. For instance, "I, Jessica Roberts is" should be "I, Jessica Roberts, am". The tone of the work comes across as sloppy, particularly in the opening paragraph, so I'd highly suggest inputting this into a word processing software (like Microsoft Word), or having someone spellcheck. Lastly, I agree with BlueAfrica; it is not a good idea to bluntly throw out the major ideas of your piece within the second paragraph. While I appreciate that you want to express the purpose of this work, you are often better off casting it aside, developing the work as it stands, and let the audience figure it out themselves. In the end, by bluntly stating your core message, you actually dilute it, lessen its impact and significance. By spreading hints about your respect for single mothers and the lives that they have to live, through the voice and thoughts of a narrator who has to deal with a similar situation, I think you'll find that the audience is more likely to comprehend your message and have it stick within their minds.

Nevertheless, well done! This was a decent story to read, and I liked it. I enjoyed your sense of emotional development and complexity in a short scene featuring relatable characters, and a happy and touching ending. While I'd suggest that you focus on your style, theme, and grammar and spelling, I'm impressed with this piece. Thanks for presenting it!

I think what you've got right now works as a starting point for a more in-depth story. An outline, kind of. From the beginning I know what point you're trying to make and how you're sort of trying to honor single moms, but if you really want people to feel that then it's better not to state it directly. Just write a story about a single mom dealing with a day and let readers work it out for themselves.

On that note, characterization is key! Right now all we really know about this mother and daughter is that they're alone together because dad left. Maybe we can surmise the daughter likes to party a little bit (she's always losing things and got drunk at a friend's house), but that's about it. Let's see more of the relationship between mom and daughter. It's described as sort of a best friendship in the opening.

Nothing in my life is normal since the day dad left us. My mom has been my best friend providing me all the liberty but still somewhere deep inside my heart I still miss my dad.

Me: I don’t think I keep my important stuffs in some unusual places mom.

Mom: Trust me just go and check.

I let out a long breath, trying not to get frustrated. "I don't think I'd keep my important stuff in such an unusual place, Mom."

"Trust me," Mom said. "Just go and check."

I rolled my eyes, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. "I don't think I'd keep my important stuff in such an unusual place, Mom."

"Trust me," Mom snapped. "Just go and check."