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Mom and me

by tammy777

(I, Jessica Robert is a fun loving girl but as usually late for important tasks. Nothing in my life is normal since the day dad left us. My mom has been my best friend providing me all the liberty but still somewhere deep inside my heart I still miss my dad. My day usually starts with being late for small things. Though I sleep early but always end up with getting late usually 8:55am. However, I still somehow manage to get ready within five minutes but only the thing troubles me is ‘MANAGEMENT’. My things are usually the victims of ‘lost property’. I’m quite good at loosing stuffs specially phones and notebooks. Today I am searching for my ‘Project’.

This drama is all about my daily struggles which we all face specially, when we are late for our high schools or university lectures and seminars. This drama is dedicated to all single parent who manages their kids efficiently and all students who are excellent at loosing their own properties)

Alarm rings. Oh!!! Not again ‘9 am’. Again late for college.

Mom (shouting): “Jessica, What the hell are you doing???Can’t you be up little early . ”

Me: “YES, I’m up here. I’ll be downstairs in just 20 minutes.”

Mom (angry): “20 minutes!!! What is wrong with you???Huh!!! I am leaving.

Mom: I’m already late for my meeting. What do want?

Me: Ok!!! You go. I’ll manage.

(Suddenly the door shuts and I could feel the emptiness in the dining room. Since my dad left us I could sense a burden of responsibility on my mom’s shoulder. She usually seems to be happy and void sometimes both at the same time. I don’t remember the face of my dad even. My mom simply says that he was a nice young man. )

(Suddenly after 20 minutes the door opens up again and I see mom coming.)

Mom (gently): Dear I’m sorry.

Me (confused): What happen mom?

Mom: Nothing, do you need some help?

Me: I’m okay. I’M just looking out for some projects.

Mom: Go and check your car.

Me: I don’t think I keep my important stuffs in some unusual places mom.

Mom: Trust me just go and check.

I left out the room in despair. Suddenly, I realized I might have kept it inside the car as last night I visited my friend's house for the project and end up getting drunk heavily. I rushed out and was completely thrilled to see my project lying helplessly on the backseat as if it was eagerly waiting for me. Henceforth, I rushed back in and hugged my mom. She was angry, surprised and glad at the same time.

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Points: 317
Reviews: 2

Sat Jun 24, 2017 6:06 pm
RishabhParmar says...

It was a great piece but what it lacked are as follows:

1. Vocabulary: It is important to add vocab. It will give paramount touch to your piece.

2. Anxiety: Try to control it. Don't ever rush while writing a piece.

3. Construction: try to construct a story in more extended fashion.

tammy777 says...

I will try to correct my flaws thanks

tammy777 says...

I will try to correct my flaws thanks

tammy777 says...

I will try to correct my flaws thanks

tammy777 says...

I will try to correct my flaws thanks

tammy777 says...

I will try to correct my flaws thanks

User avatar

Points: 342
Reviews: 2

Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:19 pm
Maro wrote a review...

Miss the way you sketched the whole scenery , it was well put . Though there are still areas you need to work on which I presume you will in no time , having written such a good story. :) they way were narrating the whole story it was absolutely fantastic but it lacked description and expression since stories like this usually have a lot of detailed description in it.

so lets start from scratch.

In first paragraph , they way you have provided description about yourself and your life its a bit incomplete which makes the reader think as if u have written this para in a hurry.

I jessica robbert am a fun loving girl(little more description) . I live with my mother. She has raised me alone because my father left us . Ever since he left us things are not quite normal in my life . my mother has to perform all my duties alone by herself. I never let her show my feelings about my father but deep inside I miss his absence in my life.

I have a habit of forgetting things no matter how small they are . I have to phase a hard time getting up to my alarm for school . I try to manage things but most of the time it does not happen. when it comes to losing stuff , I am always the winning player and today I am misplaced my project somewhere.

add expressions and descriptions in your writing , try to feel whatever you are writing . It engages the audience. you can only engage your audience if and only if you have engaged yourself while writing it .

Happy writing :)

tammy777 says...

i will try to do better next time. Thanks for the review. :)

Maro says...

Welcome :)

User avatar
163 Reviews

Points: 8878
Reviews: 163

Tue Sep 20, 2016 2:44 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...

Hello there, tammy777! I have arrived to critique your piece and provide some of my thoughts and comments. And, personally, I'm not quite sure what to make of this work. It's solid, and the writing is decent. The characters of the narrator and mother come alive in this piece through your usage of narration, the narrator's thoughts, and their relationship with each other. The mother seems like a decent and respectable person who isn't in the fairest of situations, while the narrator, as the story describes in detail, is more often an unfortunate individual who tends to forget or lose things and is generally disorganized. In other words, a person that I can relate to and understand. The mother's being harsh is at least somewhat justifiable, but I respect her kindness afterwards, especially given the context of the situation, and this change in heart helps bring a profound sense of realism to her. Furthermore, the lost parent aspect of this piece, and the consequences that fact provides on the both of them, is perhaps my favorite part of this work. In general, I respect your ability to provide a consistent and complex narrative, inserting in pieces of emotions and thoughts that indicate that the situation for both the main characters is complicated and often frustrating, yet also rewarding.

On the other hand, I am not a fan of the style of this work. The play-like description doesn't contribute much to this piece, and it makes both of the characters seem like talking heads - I can hear their conversations, but I know nothing about what they are doing in the process, what tone they are taking, or what the scene itself is. Thus, they could just as easily be two talking heads floating in an infinite void, and I would not know any better. Too, the wording in parentheses often serves as an invaluable conduit for the main character, their thoughts and ideas, and is perhaps one of the most essential parts of this story. So, I would heavily suggest switching to a narrative side, packing on details pertaining to the scene and time, and remove those parentheses around the narrator's thoughts and add those to the story. Beyond that, I must admit that this story is littered with grammatical and spelling errors, which do not contribute to the general emotions of the story. For instance, "I, Jessica Roberts is" should be "I, Jessica Roberts, am". The tone of the work comes across as sloppy, particularly in the opening paragraph, so I'd highly suggest inputting this into a word processing software (like Microsoft Word), or having someone spellcheck. Lastly, I agree with BlueAfrica; it is not a good idea to bluntly throw out the major ideas of your piece within the second paragraph. While I appreciate that you want to express the purpose of this work, you are often better off casting it aside, developing the work as it stands, and let the audience figure it out themselves. In the end, by bluntly stating your core message, you actually dilute it, lessen its impact and significance. By spreading hints about your respect for single mothers and the lives that they have to live, through the voice and thoughts of a narrator who has to deal with a similar situation, I think you'll find that the audience is more likely to comprehend your message and have it stick within their minds.

Nevertheless, well done! This was a decent story to read, and I liked it. I enjoyed your sense of emotional development and complexity in a short scene featuring relatable characters, and a happy and touching ending. While I'd suggest that you focus on your style, theme, and grammar and spelling, I'm impressed with this piece. Thanks for presenting it!

tammy777 says...

thanks for the review. i will try to to do better next time :)

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1016 Reviews

Points: 72654
Reviews: 1016

Wed Sep 14, 2016 9:43 pm
BlueAfrica wrote a review...

I think what you've got right now works as a starting point for a more in-depth story. An outline, kind of. From the beginning I know what point you're trying to make and how you're sort of trying to honor single moms, but if you really want people to feel that then it's better not to state it directly. Just write a story about a single mom dealing with a day and let readers work it out for themselves.

On that note, characterization is key! Right now all we really know about this mother and daughter is that they're alone together because dad left. Maybe we can surmise the daughter likes to party a little bit (she's always losing things and got drunk at a friend's house), but that's about it. Let's see more of the relationship between mom and daughter. It's described as sort of a best friendship in the opening.

Nothing in my life is normal since the day dad left us. My mom has been my best friend providing me all the liberty but still somewhere deep inside my heart I still miss my dad.

Which is great and all, but don't just tell me they're best friends. I see a fairly normal mom/daughter interaction in this scene, so if you want me to believe they're very close because of no dad being around, you need to show me. Showing is important for characterization, too. We have it stuck in our heads that the daughter tends to lose things, because the whole scene centers around a lost project, but what about other details? Likes, dislikes, daily routine--presumably different since dad left--style of clothing, interests or hobbies... And out of that list (and other character details you can think of), what do the mom and daughter share? Do they see eye to eye on everything or do they disagree about a lot?

Additionally, you can show us some of these things by showing us how mom and daughter interact throughout the search. You have dialogue, which is good, but right now it's all written out like a script or a Facebook post.

In an actual script, that's fine, because the actors will give life to the dialogue. In a story, dialogue needs narration to break it up and dialogue tags to determine who's speaking. This script-style dialogue is okay for short exchanges you don't want to dramatize, but you're trying to convey a powerful scene here. And what makes this so important is that the little things characters do during a conversation can make all the difference to how we perceive them.

So for example, those last couple of lines.

Me: I don’t think I keep my important stuffs in some unusual places mom.

Mom: Trust me just go and check.

Story formatted dialogue would look more like this.

I let out a long breath, trying not to get frustrated. "I don't think I'd keep my important stuff in such an unusual place, Mom."

"Trust me," Mom said. "Just go and check."

So that's one action ("rolled my eyes") and one dialogue tag ("Mom said"), just for an example.

But you can also play around with things like action and dialogue tags to change the tone of the scene. In the example I just gave you, mom and daughter are both trying to keep their cool and not get mad at each other. Now let's try it a little differently.

I rolled my eyes, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. "I don't think I'd keep my important stuff in such an unusual place, Mom."

"Trust me," Mom snapped. "Just go and check."

Now the characters are at the end of their rope, and their frustration with the situation is starting to show in the way they interact. So littering your dialogue with tags and narration can totally change the way a scene goes. Experiment and see what you can come up with. If this is based on a true experience, think about the way things were said in real life. (Angry? Sarcastic? Frustrated? Patient?) What about actions? Does mom tuck her hair behind her ear? Does the daughter pick at her nail polish? Details like that will make these characters come to life.

tammy777 says...

Thank u so much. I'll work on it. Next try i will come up with something better. Even i wasn't satisfied with this whole mother daughter stuff as i felt i wrote a bit usual stereo typed stuffs. Your comment is well noted. Will try to do better next time :)

It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela