Fast asleep in deep meadow
Across the night I follow
Screams and kicks she swallows
Heaven ignores her sorrow
Flowers bloom with mourning song
Moon cries at Maiden's form
Scars and blood over her face
Martyrs respect her death.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Beautiful! I love the imagery you have going on here and the wonderful adjectives! Very somber and very creative. It'd be cool if you put something like this into story format where each page is a poem but it continues the story. The rhyme scheme kind of dropped after the fourth line, was it supposed to? Overall this was really nice and I loved the poem!
Hey there, Eli here for a short but hopefully useful review on this wonderful review day!
This work is pretty short but I still get enough information to form some kind of a story thanks to my twisted but still very powerful imagination. So what I am certain of is a dead of a being, Martyr is their name. It seems as someone saw her being taken to the afterlife. She is killed or perphaps the viewer just saw her unknown reasoned death. I feel like the lady is killed, flowers falling, her screaming for help from whoever, maybe mainly from God, but the heavens she can not reach. They do not hear her prays after all and let her fall into the bloody arms of her unknown killer and see how her life is being taken, taking her last breath air before dying.
I am pretty much there are different versions of this 'story', I am not sure if I should consider it a story when it is so short and it is obviously a poetry work.
My main issue with this work that might be mentioned by other reviewers is that your lines do not seem to unit in one, they sound like different stories' parts, they do not stay well together. They do not make one small story for the reader, we need to try our best and make this one so we understand it. But you need to help the reader to understand your content after all. Most of the lines were just scenery that does not help us to understand what is going on even if some lines were perfect like the flowers one. Like, what does she shallow after all? Maybe she is scared and shallow just air, her last breath? This is leaving us clueless. It is hard to be short and still reasonable. Maybe because it is short, you could not present it well.
Keep on writing!
Hi Tammy! Happy Review Day!
Unless "deep meadow" is the name of a town, I think it should be "a deep meadow" or "the deep meadow".So I think something you did well on in this poem is establishing a scene. We immediately have this meadow and a person who is dying. There are a few areas that I think could use a bit more work, or a second glance.
Phrasing
A few areas had some odd phrasing, that would be pretty simple to correct.
This sentence really lost me. The title says last cry, so I assumed the subject was deceased, but suddenly they are kicking and screaming. For me it is also unclear whether the screams and kicks are swallowing or whether its supposed to be read into the next line so that they "swallow heaven" either way the phrasing/line break is a bit confusing and could use clarification. Additionally to add "screams and kicks" after a line ending in "I follow" makes it seem like the speaker is "following screams and kicks". Which doesn't make sense. Unless they are in a can-can line...
"Moon cries at Maiden's form" doesn't make sense to me. Who is this Maiden? And why is "Maiden" capitalized? And further, is this metaphorical or is the moon literally crying at a woman's form? Again I think you might be missing an article here. Adding the word "a" or "the" before "Maiden's" would add a bit of clarity.
Characterization
I feel like we have too many characters in this piece without any details about who they are or what's happening to cause them to interact.
We have the speaker who is observing all of this -- and we know nothing about them.
We have the person who is screaming, kicking, swallowing, and sorrowful who is possibly the same woman in the last 3 lines with blood and scars over her face.
We have the Maiden, who the moon cries at and who has blood and scars over her face.
We have the Martyrs who don't appear until the end of the story, and we know nothing about whether they are religious martyrs or martyrs of a different type .
I think there needs to be more clarity in who all of these folks are and why they're all together. Especially, I think we need some details on why this woman has died in the first place.
Cohesion
Right now we have a bunch of phrases but I'm not seeing how they all connect. The speaker is asleep and then they see the flowers and the moon and a dead woman. Right now the reader comes in after all the action has happened it seems like and I think we need some of those in-between details.
You do a good job in establishing a cohesive tone though - throughout we have consistent mournfullness and danger.
Overall
I think this piece has potential to be expanded, but I'd love for some of the details to be filled in.
Best,
~alliyah
This Review is brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!
Hi tammy777! Happy review day!
I enjoyed the poem! I really liked the imagery, especially the flowers blooming with mourning song. The first half went quite smoothly but I felt as though by the end it had abruptly stopped. I don't know if that was just because there was no longer rhyme or what?
Also, you titled the poem "Last Cry", so I assume this is as the martyr dies? But you start with fast asleep, so has the martyr already died by the beginning?
Those are my only two main gripes with the poem. Definitely keep up the imagery, maybe have one consistent image for readers to hold on to? At the recent Poetry Workshop hosted by Nikayla, I got that same suggestion, and I think it might help the poem come together better. Besides that, good job! This poem could definitely be great!
Keep writing! Have a fun day/night!
iamanaspiringwriter
Happy review day !!!
I talks about the Maiden's death rather than martyrs.she has struggled a lot that even martyr pays respect to her courage. Last cry referred to the sound she made before her death. Thanks for the review.
Happy review day !!!
I talks about the Maiden's death rather than martyrs.she has struggled a lot that even martyr pays respect to her courage. Last cry referred to the sound she made before her death. Thanks for the review.
Hello Tammy. It's just Ink leaving a review on Review Day.
So this poem speaks about a martyr's death. The narrator is an onlooker and sees that the maiden dies and the flowers and the moons cry. The heavens, instead, don't look while martyrs hail her. I like the imagery set up here because it makes me imagine a scene in which that happens--a dark night where a maiden is killed.
One thing I noticed was the rhyme. In the first four lines, there was a nice rhyme scheme set up. However, it just fell apart in the last four lines. If you were intending this to be free verse or something, I'd suggest choosing the last words more carefully so that the reader who dives in doesn't mistaken it as rhyme. If you have a rhyme scheme, I'd suggest shaping the last few lines with more rhyme so that it won't be a jolt from the first four lines.
I was confused by the first two lines. So...who was fast asleep? The narrator or the maiden? Thinking now, I just realized that perhaps the maiden's already dead and being kicked around. Either way, it would be nice to have a little more clarity here.
Another topic I'd like to broach is the flow from imagery to imagery. To me, it feels rather jumpy and I'd like to see something smoother, to seamlessly weave together into an imagery-rich poem. So overall, this has the makings, the ideas, the mold for a powerful poem. It's simply the execution that needs some tweaking, at least in my opinion.
So I hope this helps. Feel free to ask if you have any questions!
Well I was talking about Maiden's death. She has struggled a lot that even martyrs pay respect to her death. I prefer free verses rather than the rhymed one. And the narrator was sleeping who woke up because of the Maiden's cry. Thanks for the review. I will try to correct my flaws.
Wow! I loved your poem.
The first line is itself a good start. Nice poem. Hope to read moe balladry from you mate.
Keep it up!
Thanks and welcome to YWS
Wow! I loved your poem.
The first line is itself a good start. Nice poem. Hope to read moe balladry from you mate.
Keep it up!