16+ Language Violence

Patient Zero: Prologue

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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“I’ve got it, let's go, they're quiet now.” Mya whispered, fingers ghosting along the crease of my elbow as she searched for my wrist, shadows encasing us into a pit of darkness. Leaves crinkled from where she clutched them in her free hand, our hearts pounding in unison, to the beat of silence.

"Okay, okay." My breath eluded me, my body screaming at me to stop, stop, stop. Bruises spread across my torso in blossoms of rotten purple and rancid green from where the PCV pipe had hit me, just as painful as they looked. The gas mask wasn't making breathing any easier, choking off every gasp into a painful wheeze. I couldn't see Mya, but I could picture her concerned glance, espresso brown eyes darkened with worry.

"Mate, you good?" I nodded, letting her dexterous fingers wrap around my wrist, skin smooth and radiating warmth compared to my cold, clammy ones. A shiver wracked itself up my spine as she pulled us out of the janitor's closet we were hiding in, gaze sweeping the dirty linoleum, pale tiles covered in unidentifiable grime. Not that I particularly wanted to identify it...

"You see anything?" 

"Just that creepy ass skeleton in the corner."

A brief moment of silence, her eyes sliding to me in question, brow arched.

"Okay." I replied belatedly, smiling awkwardly at her. Each word was a sharp knife to the gut, angled to slot between my ribcage into my lungs with each breath, white-hot poker stabbed into my side with each movement. At this rate, I didn't think I was going to make it to the bunker.

"Are you sure you're okay? You're not lookin' too hot." I gasped in faux offense, features contorting into a pained wince at that simple movement.

"I'm always hot, thank you very much." I joked. One step forward, a wave of dizziness. Two steps forward, my legs shook with renewed vengeance. Three steps forward, my knees gave out beneath me. Falling, I couldn't help but let out a small gasp of shock, bringing up my hands to block my fall too late. The ground rose up to meet me, welcoming me into its cold, stone embrace with open arms. Rubbery concrete smashed into my cheek and everything faded to comforting black.

***

"—la. Kayla—" A warm hand gently smacked my cheek and the world snapped into focus with sickening swiftness.

"W-what? Why am I on the floor?" I struggled to sit up, wincing. I gingerly touched my side, skin mottled with bruises.

"You slammed into the pole, I was worried." The voice speaking to me was rich, filled with a warm amusement that didn't quite fit the situation. There was also a taint of underlying concern to it and I couldn't help but look up to gauge the authenticity of their emotions.

I was met with the sight of crystalline blue eyes, glowing with an ethereal light. Shaggy blonde hair, glittering strands of pure gold in the harsh light. Milky skin, dotted over with the occasional freckle and a strawberry birthmark on their left cheek in the vague shape of a painted box turtle. The fluorescent lights created a halo around their head, pulsing with power. 

I blinked and it was gone. It was just my nonbinary best friend, River, in all their messy blonde hair and blue eyed glory, birthmark still in the shape of a painted box turtle.

"Aww, you worried about me? How cute." Dryness coated each word and I swallowed heavily in a weak attempt to get rid of the cotton-y feeling.

"Shut up." They flushed crimson and stood up, rubbing the back of their neck and glancing down at me. The hallways were empty and there was a sense of wrongness clouding the air, something looming over the metaphorical horizon and thickening the air with tenseness. 

I didn't belong here.

I was supposed to be somewhere else.

Why did I not belong here?

This was...home...in the dictionary sense of the word yet I couldn't shake the feeling of pure and utter wrongness off.

Where was I supposed to be?

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hey there Pol! (First off, just want to say how much I love your avatar, it's seriously cute!) I'm popping by today for a quick review on this prologue, so let's just get into it, shall we?

Just as a preface, I want to say that I generally have mixed feelings on prologues. They became pretty overused for a while and in some genres it seems like a norm to have them, even if there's maybe no need. This is before reading the piece, and before reading the rest of your novel but I would just ask yourself: do you need a prologue? Does this add to the story, and provide the reader with something they wouldn't else get? Could this just be chapter one? If you answer all these and still think the prologue is necessary then that's totally valid, but at least then you know you haven't got one just for the sake of it.

Anyway, onto the actual piece.

“I’ve got it, let's go, they're quiet now.” Mya whispered, fingers ghosting along the crease of my elbow as she searched for my wrist, shadows encasing us into a pit of darkness. Leaves crinkled from where she clutched them in her free hand, our hearts pounding in unison, to the beat of silence.

I love the description here, this is a really great opening paragraph!

***

"—la. Kayla—" A warm hand gently smacked my cheek and the world snapped into focus with sickening swiftness.

For a moment I was worried the part in the italics was going to be a dream, which is definitely a bit too overused in sci-fi/fantasy (I say having written way too many meaningful dreams in my time) but then Kayla was unconscious so it wasn't a dream? But it did make me question the fact the top was in italics? All that to say, I was confused as to how the two things linked together. There was nothing explicit to say she's imagined the top section, or even that it's the same character. I get that you're trying to maintain some mystery which completely makes sense but this was just a bit too confusing for me.

I blinked and it was gone. It was just my nonbinary best friend, River, in all their messy blonde hair and blue eyed glory, birthmark still in the shape of a painted box turtle.

It's probably good to get some more opinions on this because I'm by no means an expert but would Kayla really introduce River to the story as 'my nonbinary best friend'? It makes it seem like that's their defining characteristic whereas to me the most important thing is that they're Kayla's best friend. I think if you need to clarify this to readers beyond using their pronouns, it would be better to have it come up more naturally.

This was...home...in the dictionary sense of the word yet I couldn't shake the feeling of pure and utter wrongness off.

Where was I supposed to be?

Great cliffhanger ending!

Hope this was helpful, and looking forward to seeing the next part!

Happy Wednesday.

Icy

User avatar
NadyaStatham
Review

Ho ho ho, curious mind!



Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my Christmas magic! 🎄

The Jolly-Good Stuff: 🍭

First of all, let's talk about the Holly Jolly parts that really rocked!

This is a great concept you’re starting with!! The title is extremely specific and it’s the one thing that told me to read this story. Good job on that!

If I am right Kayla is in a lab in which she is being experimented on. And the first part in cursive is a flashback of how she got into the lab in the first place. Oeeehhh…Creepy. 👻 You have a nice writing style, it’s casual and also very unique.

I would definitely recommend you to continue this story if that is what you want. In my opinion this is a great start for an awesome novel!

I think the names are also creative along with your descriptions. I must say you have an eye for detail, those descriptions are so vivid and I could literally picture myself in there. The way you described how she was feeling and how she was hurt, it just took me back to a series I finished a while ago called: The 100.

It's a Netflix series also about science fiction, lab experiments , long but interesting. If you love science fiction and the whole happening of other earths, this is definitely a series you should see.

A little more elf-help needed over here:✒️

A little nitpick over here. I would suggest you place asterisks here to make it more clear that there is a little time skip. That way it’s much clearer for the reader to follow the story. The fact that you made the upper text cursive and the one underneath normal, is a huge difference already. Great thinking!!

E.G.
The ground rose up to meet me, welcoming me into its cold, stone embrace with open arms. Rubbery concrete smashed into my cheek and everything faded to comforting black.

***


"—la. Kayla—" A warm hand gently smacked my cheek and the world snapped into focus with sickening swiftness.


~~~

Here I think it’s a little double if you also say “My body ached”. Because in the beginning you already said, “My body screaming at me to stop…

(You don’t have to change it if you don't want to , this is merely a suggestion to help you improve.)

"Okay, okay." My breath eluded me, my body screaming at me to stop, stop, stop . My body ached, bruises spreading across my torso in blossoms of rotten purple and rancid green from where the PCV pipe had hit me.


Perhaps you can change it to something like;

"Okay, okay." My breath escaped me, my body screaming at me to stop, stop, stop . I was in terrible pain, the bruises spreading across my torso in blooms of rotten purple and rancid green where the PCV pipe had hit me were beginning to become as visible as they were excruciating.


~~~

Here I think you could perhaps provide some more clearence on their surrounding; where they are. Because as a reader I get the vision that they are in a school, because you mention halls and a janitors closet. Perhahs you could go in some more detail that they are actually in some sort of hospital or a warehouse.

But if this was supposed to be revealed in thelater chapters, feel free to skip this suggestion :D

"Shut up." They flushed crimson and stood up, rubbing the back of their neck and glancing down at me. The hallways were empty and there was a sense of wrongness clouding the air, something looming over the metaphorical horizon and thickening the air with tenseness.


Caroling Angels like the best !💐

The descriptions of River are just so vividly written. I can literally picture her standing in front of me. I think this is one of your specialties; describing things. You are extremely good at it!!

I was met with the sight of crystalline blue eyes, glowing with an ethereal light. Shaggy blonde hair, glittering strands of pure gold in the harsh light. Milky skin, dotted over with the occasional freckle and a strawberry birthmark on their left cheek in the vague shape of a painted box turtle. The fluorescent lights created a halo around their head, pulsing with power.


Overall Christmas does come to an end:

This was a great prologue for possibly a bigger project. I would definitely recommend you to continue this story, if that is your wish. You could provide some more clearance on the surroundings and organise your work a little more, but apart from that this was a masterpiece. You have eye for detail and write vivid and amazing deescriptions. You did great!!

Be sure to go with Rudolph 🦌 and check out…📔🔖

These stories also explore lab experiments. While reading your story I had the feeling you would enjoy these:

"Molly" by @Cozmo2024 & Jikken-yō nezumi by @Kirato and @GengarIsBestBoy

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Image

Oh, thank you for your feedback! It was quite helpful and I will be sure to make some of the edits you suggested!

I will admit, it is very vague in the beginning as that was my intention but it might be a little too vague, I realize now as I reread some of the sections I wrote. ^^'

Close guess though, on what's happening ;)

Glad I could help!! :)



Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!
— Allen Ginsburg