The sky is beautifully clear yet despairingly dark. The stars sparkle and shine like white glitter spilled across a black canvas. The full moon shines, taking its own place in the vast darkness that no person can comprehend. I watch the dew on the grass reflect the moonlight, creating a glimmering river as the soft breeze passes by. The night was calm and quiet, revealing the sound of every breath and heartbeat. It’s the perfect night for it, a voice breaks the silence of my thoughts. I stand still under a moonlit tree and take a deep breath of fresh air in hopes of clearing my mind, but the darkness and silence only echoes my thoughts. I feel the cord around my neck tighten, as if it’s telling me it’s time to go.
Everyday, I always feel alone and abandoned. The very people I love and care about are the ones that seem to leave and never come back. I always protect them from the dangers I see; I always return the important things they throw away; I always stay by their side when they need me. I do everything I can because I care, but everyone always seems to leave.
The cord is now tighter, making it hard to breathe. I can’t believe my time here is over. I can’t believe I’ve reached the end of my journey. It’s time to go, says a gentle voice, almost as if it’s telling me to stop fighting. I can’t stop fighting, I’m so close to making my life complete, I tell myself. Suddenly, right before the cord completely choked me, it loosened.
Yes, thank you, I say, lifting my hind leg up and saturating the tree trunk with a stream of dazzling gold.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Okay okay. I'm here to review thy story :v
Very clever one, for real. First read I accidentally skipped the last paragraph and thought this was about a person suffering from depression, but then I laughed harder than I should XD. Really liked it, your descriptions arr very good, but just a small advice, it felt a little forced after the third line, perhaps you added too much imagery, so try to keep that controlled.
Negative things I found... The times, you switched from present to past back and forth, which really kills the flow of the reading.
Conclusion, very good and comedic XD control your imagery and times. That's it :3
Keep writing
Hi, Ruro here for a review.
So bear with me, I'm a little tired and a little brain dead, but I feel confident enough to review so ^.^
So first off, beautiful imagery. It's a dark night with bright stars, with the grass somehow reflecting the moonlight. Sounds really pretty, I'd love to be there.
Now let's get on to the rest of the poem.
You tend to switch around tenses. I suggest picking a tense and sticking with it. Are we in present or past? You say, "I always" which is present and then "completely choked" which is past. Watch your tenses carefully, they can really be the make or break of your work.
In the first paragraph this is also present, you say...
This is perfect present tense. Everything verb is either alone with itself (watch) or it has es at the end, (passes).
The very next line however, breaks this beautiful present tense.
Was. Was is not present. Was is past. To make this present, say, "The night is calm." Also, with these lines, I find that the sentence, "It's the perfect night for it, a voice breaks the silence of my thoughts," is a little awkward and could use some work. Maybe "A voice breaks through the silence of my thoughts, well, it is the perfect night for it."
The next paragraph, while very good at showing us how the narrator is feeling, also seems a little cliche, but sometimes it can't be avoided (and it might just be me). This is also true with the next paragraph, but I suppose it works.
Now, here is where I was confused. At first, when I first read it, I thought it was about someone being hung, and then proceeding to pee on a tree. My second time over, somehow, I made the connection this is about a dog. Which makes more sense altogether XD
The last line is... really quite strange but is also a satisfying end to the passage (and a satisfying end for the dog!).
So I mean, overall, after reading this, this is quiet an interesting little passage you have here.
One thing I might suggest is not over doing it. You have all this wonderful imagery, but remember, with writing, you can over do it. Don't push too much imagery, give us that perfect combo.
And watch your tenses! As I said, they can be the making or breaking of a piece of work! You can have an elegant work that goes from past, present, and future that makes it absolutely all over the place and not so elegant.
So really, well done, and what a unique thing ^.^
Happy Writing,
Ruro~
Hi there ~
This was very clever.
I've actually read a lot of shorts recently that trick the reader into believing the protagonist is human, and then revealing at the end that they're actually a cat or dog. Yet, thus far, it hasn't gotten old. I was still surprised and amused when I reached the end of your story. Your execution of the technique was nearly flawless (and I'm a little shocked that the previous reviewers didn't immediately realize from that last line that the narrator is a dog). But anyway, onto the review.
You switch tenses here. Since you're using the present tense for the majority of your piece, "the night /was/ calm and quiet" should be "the night /is/ calm and quiet".
You're trying to combine the interior monologue with the action of the voice, which is easily fixable. You're trying to do a [example] "'Hi,' she pushes a strand of hair behind her ear" when it should be something like "She pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. 'Hi.'" Separate what the voice is saying and what it's doing. Personally, I would change it to: "A voice breaks the silence of my thoughts. It's the perfect night for it."
This sounds a little awkward. I don't think "echoes" should be plural.
Use "everyday" or "always", but not both. "Everyday, I feel alone and abandoned" or "I always feel alone and abandoned".
This line was perfect for me. It analogized the loneliness that a human being might feel to that of a dog, and has just enough lamentation for us to continue believing that this is a story about suicide. I love how you do this; how you trick the reader into believing one thing, and then snap us back in the other direction at the last second. Throughout the story, the cord is yet another symbol that we immediately pin as a noose, while it's actually the dog's leash. It's a clever illusion.
If it were me, I would just omit this line from the second to last paragraph. It's almost too melodramatic for a dog that just wants to empty its bladder, and falls past that line which marks the crossover between thoughts-of-a-human-committing-suicide and thoughts-of-a-dog-that-has-to-pee. It's too suicide. Not enough pee.
Your last line is perfect. It reveals the true meaning of the story at the perfect time, and says something more descriptive then "the dog pees on the tree", which is nice to see.
Overall, with a few changes, this could end up being a fantastic short.
Best of wishes
Savvy
Oh my. Oh my. The work wasn't exactly clear about it, but I'm at least somewhat sure that the protagonist tried to commit suicide under a moonlit tree. Was that right? I think I may or may not have gotten that right. Well, this was a pretty little work.
I won't bother with the highlights, because this work doesn't have any specific lines that annoy me or make me wish it was rewritten. Good job on that front.
Now, let's approach the matter of the subject. Honestly, I thought it could've used a little bit of length, just to toughen the subject slightly. The protagonist is obviously under an immense amount of pain and is going through things, but they keep obsessing over a moonlit tree and vague details of their miseries. Well, as people keep telling me and as I'm going to tell you now; specifics matter a lot for the average writer and their work. What does the protagonist mean by people leaving them? What do they mean by being thrown aside carelessly? Why would they feel this way? There's an obvious reason or two hidden in an entirely different, but much more substantial story, that will doubtless make the readers feel a bit more for the protagonist involved once they've heard it.
On the other note, I really did like the ending. If the cord you're talking about really is a noose of some sort, it's a very creative way to describe things, associating death with such a beautiful tree. It reminds me of a song from my childhood that I can't remember, currently, but it is a beautiful way to describe things.
Very well done.
Signing out,
--EM.
I saw that this work has no review or comments at all so I came here to give it a try!
Raindrop here for a short but still hopefully useful for you review.
So let's start with the first thing the reader actually sees.Yes,the tittle.
I think it is catchy but still simple.It could be better but after some time I got to understand what you meant by it because I needed time to read the work by itself.
The parts with you had made it Italic are fine but I would still prefer them to be put seperated because they just get lost in all this 'mess' of words going on there.
Usually I prefer the work to be in third person but first person is not that bad as an another option either.
So overall I think you understood what I liked in this work and what I do not like.
But still I have several things to say that may be on the negative side of this review after all:
I'm so close to making my life complete,...
For this line and several more I need to say the tense is the problem in here.
It needs to be: I'm so close making/to make ...
So the tense and the meaning is still on point this way,right?
You just need to re-check this work that is all.Your punctuation and grammar is overly fine but on some places you just need to correct small things like this.
Keep on writing.