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Twas' The Night Before Christmas 2015

by steward


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the forest
Not a creature was stirring, not even Chuck Norris.
The dragons and unicorns all lay asleep,
The krakens and leviathans all rest in the deep.

From the sky appeared a flash of blinding light,
Followed by eight magic reindeer all high up in flight.
They pulled a machine all rusted and red,
The hope of humanity: the last dimension sled.

The machine landed with a deafening boom;
The monstrous slumbers ended, summoning doom.
Earsplitting roars emerged from everywhere,
Then fire lit up the skies as dragons filled the air.

From the sled came out a man dressed in crimson,
Yelling out "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen!"
He mounted a reindeer and loaded his rifle,
"Let's not screw this up for the sake of survival."

They charged through the forest like nobody's business,
Shooting and trampling all that was reckless.
Dragon blood got disguised in the velvet,
As creatures dropped dead from speeding silver bullets.

They reached their destination in front of a cave,
Where written on the entrance, "no man is a slave."
The man dressed in Crimson giggled out loud,
"I lived in this dump," he strongly avowed.

A man emerged from the darkness and said,
"I've missed you brother Nick, you little egghead."
Nicholas smiled and put down his weapon,
"The earth is in war, Chuck, and mankind is threatened."

Chuck cheerily chuckled and smiled for a minute,
"It always is somehow, real funny now ain't it?
Save the humans, then they'll find another way
To get themselves trouble every single day."

Nicholas broke down as tears drenched his face,
"They don't deserve anything, that's why it's called grace.
This war will destroy them and leave the galaxy shaken,
For this war is different: The force has awakened."


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114 Reviews


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Reviews: 114

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Thu Feb 15, 2018 4:29 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



I loved how you did this, and how you put the year in the title. did you jus think of the name? Great job by the way. I honestly don't like christmas, but this is one thing that I do like, this poem.


The best part to me is:
"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the forest
Not a creature was stirring, not even Chuck Norris.
The dragons and unicorns all lay asleep,
The krakens and leviathans all rest in the deep.

From the sky appeared a flash of blinding light,
Followed by eight magic reindeer all high up in flight.
They pulled a machine all rusted and red,
The hope of humanity: the last dimension sled.

The machine landed with a deafening boom;
The monstrous slumbers ended, summoning doom.
Earsplitting roars emerged from everywhere,
Then fire lit up the skies as dragons filled the air.

From the sled came out a man dressed in crimson,
Yelling out "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen!"
He mounted a reindeer and loaded his rifle,
"Let's not screw this up for the sake of survival."

They charged through the forest like nobody's business,
Shooting and trampling all that was reckless.
Dragon blood got disguised in the velvet,
As creatures dropped dead from speeding silver bullets.

They reached their destination in front of a cave,
Where written on the entrance, "no man is a slave."
The man dressed in Crimson giggled out loud,
"I lived in this dump," he strongly avowed.

A man emerged from the darkness and said,
"I've missed you brother Nick, you little egghead."
Nicholas smiled and put down his weapon,
"The earth is in war, Chuck, and mankind is threatened.'"
You did some stuff really good!!!




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Mon Dec 28, 2015 2:33 am
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SkyeWalker says...



D: Noo now I'm going to i don't even know

Like, for the next few days, every Star Wars reference anyone makes will leave me in tears. Maybe not, but XD




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Sat Dec 26, 2015 6:04 pm
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emarko2 says...



Another error that I picked up on. The I am not typing on my phone with auto correct anymore




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Sat Dec 26, 2015 6:03 pm
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emarko2 says...



I have to apologize my apple phone spelled chuck as church




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Sat Dec 26, 2015 6:01 pm
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emarko2 wrote a review...



I was confused reading this peice.throe story didn't make sense and church Norris line where did that come from. The reindeer sentence was good and it made sense. One important part of this poem could lacked attention to detail. When you write a poem ,you need to think about the audience and write for there understanding.




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Sat Dec 26, 2015 4:26 am
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jumpingsheep says...



That last line actually made me laugh out loud. It was brilliant!
Nice work!




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Fri Dec 25, 2015 11:27 am
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Songmorning wrote a review...



Reading this while listening to 2012 Monstercat Christmas Album Mix made it all the more badass... *_*

I'm honestly not sure what to say about this. I didn't really have a clue what was going on most of the time. Well, I sort of did. Apparently, we start out in a quiet forest filled with sleeping mythical creatures. Then Santa appears from another dimension and lands, waking up all the monsters for some reason. The he charges through the forest shooting at and killing the creatures (no idea why he had to wake them in the first place) until they get to the cave. Apparently, Chuck Norris lives there, and he and Santa are brothers, and this is where they grew up. Then Santa tells Chuck Norris that the earth is at war...Ah, I see now. He came from Earth's dimension seeking help from Chuck Norris to save mankind. Then they exchange a few profound lines. Then Santa reveals that mankind will be destroyed this time, and that some force is coming (don't know if that's related to Star Wars or not...Doesn't seem to be).

Well, then. I don't see how I can criticize any of that. It seems that your imagination really did go crazy. I don't think it was meant to make overmuch sense. I think it was meant to be as badass as possible. You definitely achieved that, so kudos.

The only thing I might criticize, though, is that the rhythm is off sometimes, and there are a few spots where it doesn't rhyme. For example, I can't fit, "From the sky appeared a flash of blinding light" in to the same rhythm as, "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the forest". The rhyming was the most stretched in verse 6, where you tried to rhyme "business" with "reckless" and "velvet" with "bullets". At that point, though, it was pretty chaotic anyway.

I feel pretty silly criticizing it at all, actually. Overall, it was a fun, astonishing, and...well, I keep saying "badass", but all-around badass read. It also seemed to hint at another story that could be played out as an interesting novel, and it had a couple of deeper lines like, "They don't deserve anything, that's why it's called grace." That line even seemed to allude to the Christian side of Christmas, though I don't know if that's what you intended. Thanks for writing!

Oh, and, Merry Christmas!




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Fri Dec 25, 2015 10:57 am
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FeatherPen wrote a review...



Hello steward,
I’m here to review this very creative parody.

There are a few things I picked up on as I read through and here they are
“when all through the forest
Not a creature was stirring” ‘when’ should be ‘and’
“Earsplitting roars emerged from everywhere” So far before this line everything fits in well but I think it is the alliteration which stands out and breaks up your meter, (replace two of the E words with something else and it may improve)
You have done well with your rhyming and the only ones which don’t quite work are;
“Velvet, Bullets
weapon, threatened
shaken, awakened “
You can change the last one by switching awakened with awoken.

Plot wise
I like how you introduce the scene with the quietness and tranquillity recognisable from the original (beginning). Then you describe Santa going on a hunting spree, which is highly original (I have never seen this dark side of Santa) and presents your character and conflict (middle). Finally you end with Santa reaching his old home and having a semi philosophic discussion with Chuck about the nature of human kind (end). I think this works fantastically as a nonsensical story.
The only qualm I have about it is the last line, which although I read as a reference to star wars, makes the poem feel as though the whole thing is an introduction to a longer story. This is personal speculation but I think that ending on “but this time the whole world is bacon” (or words to that effect) could turn it into a satire, on the world turning pear shaped and a caution about modern war or about Christmas getting the wrong focus. The good thing about satire is that it can be interpreted differently. It also is slightly more conclusive. (With this last line however it ends it on a darker note)


Personal recommendations aside you have done a great job with this poem and made it WORK which is more than I have been ever able to do with parodies!
Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year! And welcome back too, Hopefully I can look forward to reading some more of your writing.




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Thu Dec 24, 2015 10:46 pm
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airazhae18 says...



this is is amazing. I really like it. you should write more stuff like this. Keep up the good work.





It is spiritually invigorating, says a friend, who converted at eighteen from Christianity to poetry.
— Anne Lamott