Daredevil hearts

Spanaki93,

Congrats on completing a poem; not many people can write cohesively, and poetry has its very own niche that baffles completion. Also, posting for others to read takes courage that many would wish for. Thanks for the pleasant read.

Your piece is very possessive. The internal dialogue creates a dark atmosphere that conflicts with the wish for hope. I like the oulet you give the reader with the last line; the resolution is almost too late to save though. I would consider adding a line before the last that transitions into the last line. As it is, it leaves me a little bit unsatisfied with 'your angel.'

The structure is inconsistent though. Using 'I' to start the beginning of each of the initial lines was actually quite refreshing; I would have liked to see you write the whole poem like that. This leads to the inconsistency of capitalization throughout the whole poem. If you cleaned up your method of capitalization, I think the piece will benefit. Also, the rhyming was unecessary I believe. Or, you can rework the piece to rhyme throughout the whole poem to consolidate it.

Again, thanks for sharing your piece. I tried to concentrate on the voice and structure of the poem, rather than focus too much on specific lines. Plenty of other members can pick apart each line. Polish up the background of the poem; make sure you have a clear goal with each piece, whether you choose to reveal your motives in your expression is not important. It becomes apparent in the writing if the core was found ungrounded. Keep the words flowing.

Sincerely,

Z

Hello, Ravenboy here for a review. I haven't review for quite a while, so my reviews might be getting a bit rusty.

First of all, I like the content of your poem. Is interesting and unique, is different to what is out there. And it takes flair to pull that off so well done. Now, I'm going to be blunt here. Though I can see what you are trying to say here, and some of the imagery in your poem. About two quarters of this poem flows somewhat awkwardly and lacks imagery and voice to make it realistic, and if you lack that. The readers would not be able to fully empathize with the MC.

The problem being, your poem is very literal. Too literal, now I would like to say there is nothing wrong with a poem being literal because someoems are meant to be like that. However, you have characterized this into the dramatic genre and by what you are trying to express here. I think a few more metaphors, similes and personification in the right places can push it up a little. I also noticed the lack of punctuation in this poem, it is not always necessary. It however, does emphasize your points and message across a little clearer. So consider punctuation in your poetry on the future.

Now, that we are over with my bluntness. Let me tell you several aspects I did like. I liked your use of vocabulary, it is not mundane. You stayed away from the often used words and choose words that would express this concisely. The structure and format was overall, not bad. But as I have said before, I'm afraid your language let you down. However, this is only the opinion of one individual, perhaps others would think otherwise.

Overall, I enjoyed this poem for it is not a bad poem. I would advise you in future terms, consider the use of figurative language and punctuation when appropriate to help you with your writing,

Hope I wasn't too harsh. Stay awesome!

-Rx

this is a very interesting poem! the dramatic affect to it is emphasized and very well written! i enjoyed very much! there is one things that i have to say though:

"i have my way with you you see, to drawn you in misery"

i was a bit confused as to what that meant. is 'drawn' supposed to be 'drown'? other than that i think your creativity is there and i expect to see you on the spotlight very soon!