I am a meatball ready to dive in the frying pan
You want to eat me but you are afraid the calories will affect your lifespan
Boom, boom, splush I am finally in, burning like a laughing monk, and the delirium starts
Pum, pum I am in your mouth, what a drama that must be, you forgut the suace!!!
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there! Who doesn't love a humorous poem?
A few quick suggestions:
Splash might work better? Nice onomateopoeia though! (Did I spell that right?)
Not sure what image you're trying to create with this, but it's weird. Consider a revise.
What?
Forgot*
Okay, so this was funny. Even if it was so small and silly! I can totally relate to all of this xD I feel like there wasn't really a message to get across? Just a silly poem? Either way, it was good. I can't say much more because everyone stole my words xD but this was good, so thanks for sharing. ^^
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Hahahahahah food totally does to me when I'm eating something I enjoy. Short, sweet and humorous I like it. Just remember to include a bit more punctuation, cos there is a lack of commas. But a part from that, it's totally cool. I like this funny poem.
Hello, this'll be a quick review!
Suggestions:
I suggest turning some of these words into contractions to make it flow better. Like these parts:
In the last line, 'forgot" and "sauce" are spelled incorrectly.
Maybe another "splush" should be added in to make it flow better.
"Starts" feels misplaced/does not have any other rhyme with the rest.
Comments:
This sounds like a rap song more than a poem, but it's still pretty cool.
You're right, it does feel better imaging Ryan Gossling saying it.
Happy Writing!
Hey chips here to review.
I absolutely loved this, it was engaging and funny. It had a great tone and rhythm which flowed well together which each phrase. The rhyming worked in this as well.
I think the way its written in this formatting made it read a bit off.
"I am a meatball ready to dive in the frying pan
You want to eat me but you are afraid the calories will affect your lifespan"
I liked this part a lot. But how about breaking up the second line into smaller fragments so it doesn't read as one big line, it begins to drag when it does that and a full stop is needed.
"Boom, boom, splush I am finally in, burning like a laughing monk, and the delirium starts"
The second comma after, "Boom" isn't really needed. "Splush" isn't actually a word but in this sense as you're using sounds I guess its okay. There were too many commas that followed. Full stop or semi colon after "starts".
"Pum, pum I am in your mouth, what a drama that must be, you forgut the suace!!!"
Again new creative and created word, "Pum". I think you meant, "forgot" and "sauce" too many exclamation marks ruin the purpose of the exaggeration in my opinion so perhaps just using one.
Overall nice piece with plenty of potential hope I helped.