Your soul's artwork cannot be seen by anyone else
your vision of the world surrounded by the veil of your eyes,
water gates through which life flows in a river whose banks signify fear and hope
A smile here or there, a cry too
I thought that I would die today, shall I not?
Just to experience the greatness of it all
Permanent, dull and boring
Chance be perished and demolished
Stand my ground on the planes of reality
Devoured by the gigantic lures,
of nothing but plain mortality
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Canary word: Present
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140,505 Literary Works • 673,257 Reviews
This-this was inspired by biology?
Hahaha, you would never guess just by reading it.
Anyways, I would like to start off by saying that this is a very well written piece.
It flows very smoothly and have a nice rhythm.
I agree with Purple in this sense:
She has a very good point and it may flow better.
I found this line interesting in the sense that the "river banks" signify both fear and hope. The contrast is puzzling, yet still flows with the piece.
All in all, my favorite part is the end:
I found this very, very captivating. The imagery is beautiful and yet puzzling, because the context leaves us with endless possibilities to conjure up in our hungry minds.
Amazing job, and keep up the good work.
I really enjoyed reading this.
xx- Delirium
Thank you so much for your review!!The part about river banks is indeed better.It flows more smoothly as you said.
Hey there! How are you, today? Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started
This was an interesting poem to read. Is this about longing/love? It's a bit off topic sometimes and a sort of stream of conscious. The tone changes greatly from the beginning about a beautiful soul then evolving into your own depressed thoughts that aren't really related. Just a few suggestions that I have.
"your vision of the world surrounded by the veil of your eyes," I would change to "your vision of the world is obscured by the veil in your eyes" just because it flows better and shows more of the 'blocked sight' you were trying to originally get across.
"water gates through which life flows in a rover whose banks signify fear and hope" Should be split into 2 separate lines and avoid the words 'which' and 'whose'. Maybe something like:
"life flows through water gates,
their banks signify fear and hope"
Keep it up! Have a good day!
~Purple