z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Salto Mortal

by spanaki93


Your soul's artwork cannot be seen by anyone else

your vision of the world surrounded by the veil of your eyes,

water gates through which life flows in a river whose banks signify fear and hope

A smile here or there, a cry too

I thought that I would die today, shall I not?

Just to experience the greatness of it all

Permanent, dull and boring

Chance be perished and demolished

Stand my ground on the planes of reality

Devoured by the gigantic lures,

of nothing but plain mortality

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24 Reviews

Points: 242
Reviews: 24

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Tue Mar 04, 2014 1:41 pm
Delirium wrote a review...



This-this was inspired by biology?
Hahaha, you would never guess just by reading it.

Anyways, I would like to start off by saying that this is a very well written piece.
It flows very smoothly and have a nice rhythm.

I agree with Purple in this sense:

"your vision of the world surrounded by the veil of your eyes," I would change to "your vision of the world is obscured by the veil in your eyes"


She has a very good point and it may flow better.

water gates through which life flows in a river whose banks signify fear and hope


I found this line interesting in the sense that the "river banks" signify both fear and hope. The contrast is puzzling, yet still flows with the piece.

All in all, my favorite part is the end:

Stand my ground on the planes of reality

Devoured by the gigantic lures,

of nothing but plain mortality


I found this very, very captivating. The imagery is beautiful and yet puzzling, because the context leaves us with endless possibilities to conjure up in our hungry minds.

Amazing job, and keep up the good work.
I really enjoyed reading this.

xx- Delirium




spanaki93 says...


Thank you so much for your review!!The part about river banks is indeed better.It flows more smoothly as you said.



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122 Reviews

Points: 2421
Reviews: 122

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Tue Feb 25, 2014 12:21 am
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Purple wrote a review...



Hey there! How are you, today? Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started :)
This was an interesting poem to read. Is this about longing/love? It's a bit off topic sometimes and a sort of stream of conscious. The tone changes greatly from the beginning about a beautiful soul then evolving into your own depressed thoughts that aren't really related. Just a few suggestions that I have.
"your vision of the world surrounded by the veil of your eyes," I would change to "your vision of the world is obscured by the veil in your eyes" just because it flows better and shows more of the 'blocked sight' you were trying to originally get across.
"water gates through which life flows in a rover whose banks signify fear and hope" Should be split into 2 separate lines and avoid the words 'which' and 'whose'. Maybe something like:
"life flows through water gates,
their banks signify fear and hope"
Keep it up! Have a good day!
~Purple





Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown