Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
your lips taste like cigarettes/ because old habits die like children
they scream and scream and scream.
flick the lighter/ like s.o.s.
i am covered/ in
soot.
please come and get me.
your limerence is not lost on me/ then nor now.
the space/ between my collar and jaw
knows that
believing/ only ever taught you
how to bite.
you told me once that
a kiss is /forever
smeared on my mouth/ like spoiled wine,
stained.
lungs/ are only temporary.
the doctor says/ i need
oxygen therapy.
breathing is beneath you/ baby.
so am i.
people in a waiting room
the floor/ pamphlets and cigarette butts/ as a lady in
white/ sermonizes from the
open doorway.
do i hear/ 41, 000/ for secondhand smoke?
41/ do i have/ 41?
i raise my hand/ high.
next.
i keep imagining my funeral.
my eulogy
preached/ to the indifferent pews/ and the crickets/ and
the draft/ from the window ajar.
say i was flawless/ fervent/ forgettable.
close/ the door
on/ your way out.
drag
my body out behind/ you.
light a cigarette
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128,296 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hello, pebble here with a review!
What grabs my attention the most about this poem is the way you used smoking as a metaphor for an unhealthy relationship. Just like the habit of smoking, the relationship is not good for the narrator, but still hard to quit. The narrator knows the relationship is bad for them, but cannot quit it and will keep suffering from the secondhand smoke until their eventual funeral.
Some lines I really liked were
I also enjoyed the parallels between and followed by
However, one thing that didn’t sit quite right with me was the line “because old habits die like children / they scream and scream and scream.” While I get the meaning of these lines to the poem, how old habits scream and scream and scream as they go out, I don’t understand the reference to children dying. Children are not mentioned elsewhere in the poem, and it feels a bit out of place, especially since children and smoking are not often associated with each other. Though perhaps this was the point you were trying to make, in which case disregard this note as it flew over my head.
It was interesting to see the way you used slashes to break up your lines further. I think this worked especially well with the line “say i was flawless/ fervent/ forgettable.” The slashes separate the different words the suitor would use to describe the narrator at the imagined funeral, and emphasize the contrast between the admiration of the first word and the indifference toward the narrator in the last. This line really captures the suitor’s true feelings toward the narrator, that even though they were “fervent” and devoted, the suitor did not truly care about the narrator. When the suitor leaves the funeral, they will drag the narrator’s body behind them and simply light another cigarette.
This poem was a really cool metaphor for a toxic relationship, and I found it very fun to read the lines with added slashes. Keep on poeting and writing captivating metaphors! :)
Hi sophiesangel!
Going into this and immediately getting confronted with imagery of smoking was both captivating and jarring! I love the idea of a relationship being like a bad habit, and the imagery in using smoking to illustrate this works very well! It's polarizing, but translates well to the idea of dating someone who may not necessarily be "good" for you. Smoking is addictive in a way that's self-destructive; the speaker's dependence on it could suggest a dependent or toxic relationship. Even secondhand, as the title suggests, there are long lasting consequences to it.
I also love the recurring allusions to death, which becomes quite direct towards the end with "i keep imagining my funeral". I take this as the speaker grieving themselves/the parts of who they've lost throughout the process, with worries of being easily forgotten and discarded ("indifferent pews" and "forgettable"). This is such a tragic and vulnerable state for the speaker, acknowledging their own deterioration. It seems quite meta how self-aware yet ultimately helpless they are within this addictive cycle.
The use of formatting is interesting to me. Initially, I wasn't super into the use of / slashes / to break apart lines, especially because they can often alter the natural rhythm of a poem. But I think it ended up working in the poem's favor! They create pauses in the flow and changes in breath that play on the smoke imagery, almost claustrophobic (in a good way!).
In terms of imagery, you have a great way with painting a concrete scene with specific descriptions. Smoking is undoubtedly the motif used throughout, and I wonder what it might look like incorporating this imagery in the fourth stanza ("i keep imagining my funeral")? We can interpret, without explicit context, that the speaker's death is smoke-related, but it could be interesting to play with language in a way that references this. Whether that be ash, smoldering fire, loss of oxygen, etc. Just a thought!
I enjoyed reading! Have a great day :]
This is a very descriptive piece. I presume it is about the toxicity felt by the narrator to her partner, albeit literal toxicity in this sense. One is obsessed with the cigarettes which I think signify bad habits, while the other can't deny them, which furthers their aggression or lack of compromise. This continues hurting and hurting the narrator and they believe that, in the end, they won't leave their bad habits, even after it's too late. Which, I have to say, is a fantastic way to show figurative toxicity in a literal sense(if that's what it is) and, while idk how poetic rhythm and slashes work, feels very poetic and lyrical. Kudos on this wonderful piece.