The sunflower

by sockmonkey

Published August 11, 2012

In

We are but sunflower's we grow from a small thing with little understanding of life, but the desire to live for a reason we seek when we age.The flower's turn to the sun changing themselves in the process while we seek gods from above and change our lives in the process.We age and begin to droop with our doubts and our pain.Our petals wilt and our hair grey's until we topple leaving seeds behind to continue our cycle, over and over again.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Gryffindor13
Review
Gryffindor13 wrote a review Review · Aug 13, 2012

Hi!
I really like the simplicity of your post. It's very elegant in that "I'm not trying very hard to impress" way. And I really like the overall message.
As with anything, there are a handful of grammatical mistakes, which I might add, are easy to make and much easier to fix :)


Right at the very begining: "We are but sunflower's" and again in the second line: "The flower's turn" aswell as the sentence "our hair grey's" should not have apostrophes.
The apostrophe signifies either possesion or an ommision of letters. Saying that you are not referring to what the flowers or teh hair possess, and you are not combing the words [sun]flower and is or grey and is, no apostrophe is needed to make the words plural.

I also found some structure, or flow, issues.
Again right at the very begining: "We are but sunflower's we grow" There should be some sort of seperation between the "sunflowers" and the "we". May it be a period, a comma, or a semi colan; it just needs something to help it flow.
In the second line: "The flowers turn to the sun changing themselves" There should be another comma in between "sun" and "changing".

Theses mistakes are easily made and easily avoidable. Like I said I liked the message and the simplicity.

Keep writing ;)

User avatar
jimdandy
Review
jimdandy wrote a review Review · Aug 13, 2012

A grand point of the cycle of life and death. Would be cool if you worded it to continue at the beginning, but all in all this is wonderful.



To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.
— Allen Ginsberg