Hey, snakeboy! clogs here for a Review Day review!
Ok, first things first: The last paragraph is way, way, way, way, WAY too long. Like, that's just hard to read. A big wall of text is an A+ way to NOT attract readers to your story. Basically, every time a new character starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph. It's a basic rule of prose, and it exists for a reason. Please fix this before my eyes fall out.
Next thing: You need punctuation within dialogue. Dialogue is not a free pass from punctuation. Characters' words need to be punctuated in order to make conversations sound fluid and natural. With punctuation, I imagine characters talking like normal human beings. Without, I imagine them talking like robots without ever stopping for breath, because that's how my inner voice reads it. Just punctuate dialogue like you would normal prose. Here are some links to two lovely YWS Knowledge Base articles on the subject.
Punctuation within Dialogue
Dialogue Punctuation
Ok, these are the things that are bothering me most about this. Next up is grammar in general.
This is riddled with lots of careless mistakes. I feel like you didn't really proofread this. I'm not going to sit here and point out every single one for you, because I believe that if you learn how to proofread and self-edit, you can catch most of these for yourself. I mean, it's things like not putting a space between words. Things that you could fix if you took time to look this over. If you can find all those mistakes before posting in the future, then it can leave reviewers to discuss more important things, like plot and characters.
You have an issue with run-on sentences. It's like someone is describing everything that's happening without ever stopping for breath and going on and on and just describing things nonstop and omg I'm typing typing someone make it stop. That's kind of what reading this story felt like, because there were so many run-ons. Try not to put too many ideas in a sentence, and make sure you read this to look for when it starts to get too long. It's hard to catch a run-on while you're writing one! Unfortunately, there's not a good KB article on this subject, so I'll link you to this non-YWS resource on runons:
http://www.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm
Here's an example of a run-on in your story:
The stranger picked up a bar pipe and began to wake on the thing and I don’t know how but next thing I know the thing was dead it was to dark to tell.”
Also, rereading this, it's not so much run-ons as an issue with sentence structure. There's just not a whole lot of variety in how you phrase your sentences, so it begins to sound very repetitive and basic. Here's a KB article about that.
Sentence Structure
The characters' reactions don't seem to be especially realistic to me. I feel like they'd be a little more frantic and worried, and maybe more disbelieving. Think about the personalities and ages of your characters while you're writing them, and think about how they might respond to situations like this.
The plot seems to advance really quickly. They don't spend at all long in the cell, and it feels like the whole chapter is kind of rushed in order to end up at the Hellforge. Slow down a bit. Take more time to describe what's happening. This can also help you flesh out your characters more, and have their reactions be more realistic.
Right now, I feel like the idea is pretty interesting, but the grammar is such a major obstacle that needs to be tackled that I can't really appreciate this story until that's taken care of. I hope this review was helpful! Keep on writing, and happy review day!

Points: 3455
Reviews: 272
Donate