Young Writers Society

Hey, snakeboy! clogs here for a Review Day review!

Ok, first things first: The last paragraph is way, way, way, way, WAY too long. Like, that's just hard to read. A big wall of text is an A+ way to NOT attract readers to your story. Basically, every time a new character starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph. It's a basic rule of prose, and it exists for a reason. Please fix this before my eyes fall out.

Next thing: You need punctuation within dialogue. Dialogue is not a free pass from punctuation. Characters' words need to be punctuated in order to make conversations sound fluid and natural. With punctuation, I imagine characters talking like normal human beings. Without, I imagine them talking like robots without ever stopping for breath, because that's how my inner voice reads it. Just punctuate dialogue like you would normal prose. Here are some links to two lovely YWS Knowledge Base articles on the subject.

Punctuation within Dialogue
Dialogue Punctuation

Ok, these are the things that are bothering me most about this. Next up is grammar in general.

This is riddled with lots of careless mistakes. I feel like you didn't really proofread this. I'm not going to sit here and point out every single one for you, because I believe that if you learn how to proofread and self-edit, you can catch most of these for yourself. I mean, it's things like not putting a space between words. Things that you could fix if you took time to look this over. If you can find all those mistakes before posting in the future, then it can leave reviewers to discuss more important things, like plot and characters.

You have an issue with run-on sentences. It's like someone is describing everything that's happening without ever stopping for breath and going on and on and just describing things nonstop and omg I'm typing typing someone make it stop. That's kind of what reading this story felt like, because there were so many run-ons. Try not to put too many ideas in a sentence, and make sure you read this to look for when it starts to get too long. It's hard to catch a run-on while you're writing one! Unfortunately, there's not a good KB article on this subject, so I'll link you to this non-YWS resource on runons:

http://www.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm

Here's an example of a run-on in your story:

The stranger picked up a bar pipe and began to wake on the thing and I don’t know how but next thing I know the thing was dead it was to dark to tell.”

Accidentally hit submit twice--oops

This review is brought to you by Eternity.

Hello, hello~ Here to review your lovely work.

Okay, so I'm just going to jump in because there's a lot to edit here. I, personally, will only be focusing on format. Others may review as wording and other things, but I'm going to focus in on your formatting before focusing on anything else. Every once in awhile, I'll add or take things away just to better your work here. You did a nice job, it just needs some improvement. You must make sure you are including detail. A detail-less work is plain and boring. Adding details to describe surroundings help the reader understand the work.

Snakeboy, you want to make sure there are spaces between certain things and indents with dialogue and new actions. In this review, I will help you with that. If you want a personal editor, I'd be glad to help you.

-- Here goes --

I woke up in a cell that was cold. The ground was cement and there were bars surrounding me. I looked around, clueless. The cell next to mine held my friend Kameryn. I asked raspily, ”Hey dude, why did I hear you say purple and then you screamed and then there was that crazy portal shit."

“Well, I randomly heard someone ask if I wanted blue or red paper while using the restroom and I choose purple just to mess around next thing you know I’m here.”

“Odd. I walked in after and I heard you scream. Next thing I know, there was this giant red hole in the ground.” I said, fumblingly. All of a sudden the cell doors opened. Kameryn and I got up and walked out. We looked around and saw everyone; Brevon, Richi, Zack, Shannon, Bryce, Chris, Alexis, and Jastin. We also saw another person walk out but Richi chased after him. We tried to yell at him to stop but he was already too far gone. I kept on hearing him yell, “Hey! Who the hell are you and where the hell are we?”
We talked a bit to find out what happened to each one of us. It seemed no one really remembered what happened to them. All of a sudden I noticed that we all had a bar code on our right arm. There was also an opening on our arm that seemed like a needle was put in it.
As we were talking I noticed that on Jastin there were these odd boils around the needle opening.
”Jastin something is going on with your arm." I gulped, "Are you ok?”
He looked at his arm and responded, ”Holy shit, what the fuck?” He poked it and said, “It feels like a rock what the actual fuck.”
He let us touch it and it felt like a rock like he said. I looked at zack and saw his hand was gone.
I said, “Okay, what the hell is happening? We look like we were jabbed with a needle, we have bar codes on our arms, and Jastin is getting these odd rocks on his arm. Zack is missing his….” As I spoke Zack’s hand seemed to become visible again. “Okay..so Zack isn't missing his hand but I swear it wasnt there a moment ago."
Kameryn murmured, “Okay, who cares? Maybe we should figure out where Richi ran off to and try to get out of this hell hole.” We all agree and we go off to find Richi. As we are walking we look at the wall and see it covered in this odd black liquid. It felt like we were walking for miles and then we saw Richi. He was all bloody and was sat up against the wall. We ran to help him and Bryce took out his med pack and began to patch up Richi. I asked Richi.
“Richi, what the hell happened to you?”
He responded, “I was following that guy we saw and then that horrifying creature jumped me.” He pointed at this terrifying looking creature. It looked like a german shepard but like it has lost all its hair and someone ripped off most of its skin. It had a pool of black blood around it and then all the lights went out.
I asked, “How the hell is it dead if that thing attacked you?”
He responded “The stranger picked up a bar pipe and began to wake on the thing and I don’t know how but next thing I know the thing was dead it was to dark to tell.”
I sighed and we all helped get Richi up and then I saw that Richi had the same needle mark but around his arm was entirely decay and then I noticed the note on the dog. I picked up the note off the dog and told everyone that there was a note. I read it outloud it said,
“Welcome subjects. Welcome to the hellforge. We hope you enjoy the turning.” I could tell after reading this that the turning had already affected us and then it happened.

--
Okay, so I didn't edit it all because there's a lot to edit. Here's my advice:
Let me know whenever you post some more things because I'll gladly help with the formatting. Details are in great need with your works and you need to focus on dialogue. Some of the dialogue doesn't make sense. You also need more than just "said--responded". It gets really boring to the reader. There's some potential in this work, but details and a lot of punctuation needs to be focused on more. Focus on spelling too. Do not rush your writing. That is the worst thing to do within writing. Make sure you describe surrounds too. I had a very hard time understanding the scene here. Other than that, well done.

Eternity out~