Young Writers Society

Hello, again. It's me.

Going to start off by saying you pluralize something, like "...door’s..." or "...hand’s..." you don't need to. Your apostrophe indicates possession that throws off the reader. It's just not needed.

Now to the editing:


My name is Thomas and many of you don’t know why I stole the story from that person but my story is just as interesting. Let me show you. It starts with me waking up in a prison cell. Hell even at this point I can’t fully remember entirely who I was. But when I woke in that cell I had amnesia. The door’s to the cells just opened randomly and I walked out. I saw a group of other people walk out also but this place seems like a prison and it was so dark that those people could be escaped convicts or something horrible so I ran away from them. One of them decided to follow me and he seemed to not know where we were also.

He kept shouting, “Hey! Who the hell are you and where the hell are we?”

I just kept running and then I tripped on a metal, rusty pipe bar laying on the ground. As I fell I cut my hands on the side of the wall and then my hand landed in a strange dark liquid puddle. As I get up I heard a scream behind me and saw this horrifying creature pounce on the poor man.

“Holy fucking shit! What the fuck is that?” I said.

As the man was screaming I picked up the rusty metal pipe and hit the thing off the poor man. I helped the man get to his feet and then set him up against the wall. As I was checking his pulse, I was smacked across the room.

The thing stepped into the light and I could see it’s horrifying features. It was like a giant German Shepherd. But it had no hair and it seemed like its skin was ripped off. I grabbed the pipe bar and began to whack on the thing. The thing broke the light above us dropping us into pitch black. I held still and felt a big paw throw me into a wall. The pain was excruciating. I got back up and began to listen. I felt a pebble from me hitting the floor on the ground so I threw it to the other end of the hallway.

I heard the thing begin to move so I hit the thing across the face with the rust metal pipe. The pipe broke on impact and I felt worried then I saw a glow on the things back. There was what seemed like a metal sword on the things back so I listen for it’s movement and dodged its swipes. I got onto its back and pulled out the sword. I made a noise on the ground and laid on the ground waiting for it to be over me. I thrust my sword right into the things chest and I heard it cry out in pain and then die.

I laid there for a bit not daring to make a noise. When I realized the thing was dead I got up and pulled the sword out of the things chest. I then went over to see if the stranger was alright but his pulse was so faint I knew he was going to die eventually. I walked down the hallway until I reached a corridor with actual light in it. The sword had a bluish tint and had what looked like angel wings for the hilt of the sword. The handle had a blue glowing diamond on the end of it. The sword had strange wording on it so I decided to read it aloud.

“I bound this blade to I and by the justice of the father I will fight until there is no more and so the blade is bound,” I felt a tingly sensation inside my body and all of a sudden the blade began to glow and I saw this white light and then I passed out. I woke up on this white fluffy material that reminded me of a cloud and I saw a figure right next to a golden gate. He spoke some stuff that I couldn’t understand. I passed out again and woke up in the middle of an intersection and that’s when I saw her.


Refer to my former reviews (ch.3) because it states what is needed. Remember, do not rush.

AnarchyWolf here to review.

First, what you did well and what I liked. The story was very fast-paced and the action was quickly delivered. The first person gave a bit of a feel for the main character, too, and the way you wrote it lets his voice come through. This story does have a lot of potential.

Secondly, what you could work on. This section is probably going to be fairly long, but don't be disheartened. Paragraphs. That's what I'm going to say. Two massive, hulking paragraphs doesn't make for an attractive read. Each paragraph could be split into three or four to improve the presentation. A very, very basic rule for deciding when to start a new paragraph is when you a) begin a new idea, point, setting, event, or character or b) a character speaks. Again, these are simple rules and I recommend researching the full paragraph rules.

This piece of writing feels more like a story summary than an actual piece of writing. The way that the events are skimmed over and the's no real description to them makes it feel like you're reading a synopsis for a couple of chapters. You need to flesh out each individual event. The encounter with the monster could take up 2,000 words or more (but remember quality, not quantity), so why have you condensed it to 700 or so? You could go into so much more detail - how is the main character feeling after the monster attack? Shaken? Pumped up? Afraid? Sickened? How does he feel when he leaves the dying man? What's his motivation for giving up on the man, aside from the fading pulse? How does abandoning another human affect him? What's the setting like? The smells, the textures, the temperature, the sounds? Just examples of what you could go into while writing this.

Your grammar needs to be reviewed. When you pluralize something, like "...door’s..." or "...hand’s..." you don't need an apostrophe. Your apostrophe indicates possession that throws off the reader.

I'm sorry this review focused so much on the negative aspects of this story - I really do believe that with a bit of polishing up, it could be quite something. It just needs a bit of proofreading, fleshing out, and improvements on the grammar.

-AnarchyWolf

Top of the morning, NympheaLily here!

So I'd read your previous chapter and this one was no less awesome. The action of this story was entrapping and the suspense as well. I'm very easily distracted so when something else started to happen, I was like "Oh what's that? Ooh what about that?" In my mind that's a good thing, so don't take this the wrong way.

I suppose I've been rambling on about this for a bit too long. Now it's time to do some actual reviewing! The formatting still confused me a bit, but that's okay. An easy fix right? I also couldn't figure out what was happening in this bit. Who was the character? Where did he come from? What happened to the creature? Where did he get the sword?

I could go on and on about how awesome this is, but I think you already know how awesome it is . I hope to read more and as always KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily