Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Teen Fiction

12+ Language Violence

The Hell Bound Kids Chapter 1

by snakeboy54


I was having a nice dream and then my alarm clock rang. I got up took a shower and Then went out to go on a ghost hunt. So I began to walk down the street towards the school because me and a few of my friends were going to go to school to see if we could find some science behind the reported hauntings at the school. Now I admit we didn’t have permission so we had to break in kind of. My friends got to the school before me and the door was wide open so I knew that Zack had picked the lock. I walked in and saw Zack and Richi talking Zack is a blond haired kid that is about the same height as me. And Richi is this tall skinny kid that looks like he only eats pop tarts, which he does. Zack said “ ok we are about ready to begin Bryce and Chris have set the stuff up we are just waiting for everyone else”

“ok” I said and then we waited. Jastin was the first to enter and he is this big tall strong kid that is ok with hurting people. Alexis walked in and she is like a typical white girl. Kameryn walked in and he is the anime fan, you can tell because he wears a totoro sweater. We walked down the hallway and saw Bryce and Chris finishing setting up with Brevon standing there. Bryce is a meaty person and so is chris Brevon is an 11 year old and they are all incredibly smart and chris knows almost everything about the supernatural and Bryce always carries a Medkit around with him just incase I never thought those things would be important honestly but as you will find out later I was very wrong. I helped them put some camera’s everywhere and we all strapped on a helmet with a gopro on it. Shannon walked in and she looks like another typical white girl. She strapped on a GoPro but Kameryn needed to use the restroom so he went to go use the restroom.

I walked with Kameryn to the bathroom then waited outside. I randomly heard him say Purple and then I heard a scream I ran inside and I saw a hole that was glowing red. I ran out of the bathroom and then saw a fridge eat brevon. I ran to everyone else to see skeleton hands rise up from the ground and grab a hold of everyone. I tried to run for the door but something grabbed my leg. I looked to see what it was and it was a tongue coming out of the red hole that was in the toilet. I tried to kick it off but I couldn’t so I held onto the doorway. I saw a figure coming through the door that we entered in from the door that we broke in from. It was the principle. The principal saw me and tried to help me and told me to not let go but I couldn’t hold on anymore and my grip slipped and then my life literally went to hell.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
82 Reviews


Points: 13625
Reviews: 82

Donate
Sun May 01, 2016 11:31 pm
Eternity wrote a review...



I'm not going to do my intro here because I'm just going to get straight to editing:

I like how you managed to introduce the characters and keep the storyline moving along. I think this story has great potential and wonderful characters to keep the story moving along. Take my advice on Ch. 3 to these too. Your story is not a conversation. I recommend steering away from using the word "so" in descriptions.

--


I was having a nice dream and then my alarm clock rang. I got up took a shower and then went out to go on a ghost hunt. I began to walk down the street towards the school because me and a few of my friends were going to go to school to see if we could find some science behind the reported hauntings at the school.
Now, I admit, we didn’t have permission so we had to break in. My friends got to the school before me and the door was wide open so I knew that Zack had picked the lock.
I walked in and saw Zack and Richi talking. Zack is a blonde-haired kid that is about the same height as me. And Richi is this tall skinny kid that looks like he only eats pop tarts, which he does.
Zack said, "Okay, we are about ready to begin Bryce and Chris have set the stuff up we are just waiting for everyone else."

"Okay," I said and then we waited. Jastin was the first to enter and he is this big tall strong kid that is ok with hurting people. Alexis walked in and she is like a typical white girl. Kameryn walked in and he is the anime fan, you can tell because he wears a totoro sweater. We walked down the hallway and saw Bryce and Chris finishing setting up with Brevon standing there.
Bryce is a meaty person and so is Chris Brevon, who is an 11 year old and they are all incredibly smart and Chris knows almost everything about the supernatural and Bryce always carries a Medkit around with him just incase I never thought those things would be important honestly but as you will find out later I was very wrong. I helped them put some camera’s everywhere and we all strapped on a helmet with a gopro on it. Shannon walked in and she looks like another typical white girl. She strapped on a GoPro but Kameryn needed to use the restroom so he went to go use the restroom.

I walked with Kameryn to the bathroom then waited outside. I randomly heard him say Purple and then I heard a scream I ran inside and I saw a hole that was glowing red. I ran out of the bathroom and then saw a fridge eat brevon. I ran to everyone else to see skeleton hands rise up from the ground and grab a hold of everyone. I tried to run for the door but something grabbed my leg. I looked to see what it was and it was a tongue coming out of the red hole that was in the toilet. I tried to kick it off but I couldn’t so I held onto the doorway. I saw a figure coming through the door that we entered in from the door that we broke in from. It was the principle. The principal saw me and tried to help me and told me to not let go but I couldn’t hold on anymore and my grip slipped and then my life literally went to hell.

--

Although I did not finish editing, you must make sure you are using dialogue and grammar correctly because it won't make sense to the reader. Overall , good job. Lots of room for improvement though. Remember, take my advice on Ch. 3.




User avatar
485 Reviews


Points: 21027
Reviews: 485

Donate
Sat Apr 23, 2016 9:14 am
View Likes
Elijah wrote a review...



I really like the story and I might even continue reading when you post the next parts of this, but for the next second part, I think you need to be more careful with the capitalization and the grammar. I do not think this is such a bad mistake you could do, but still it ruins some parts of this beautiful work. You are kinda detailed which is good. In this whole work, I did not see even one comma put in even one single sentence where it needs to be.
If I start to edit this work, it will not end soon.
If you want me to edit it, pm me, do not be shy.
I like your work and your main plot, but it needs work.




User avatar
69 Reviews


Points: 606
Reviews: 69

Donate
Fri Apr 22, 2016 7:22 pm
NympheaLily wrote a review...



Top of the morning, NympheaLily here!

So I noticed that you are new to this website, so I am here to review and say welcome! Now, onto the story.

This is a very good story to begin with and I'd love to read more. I like how you managed to introduce the characters and keep the storyline moving along. I think this story has great potential and wonderful characters to keep the story moving along.

Now it's time to get down to the nitty gritty stuff. Your formatting confused me and I wasn't exactly sure who was talking at that moment. If you could clear it up a tad, that would be great! Also, I noticed some minor grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors, but that didn't deter me from the story at all.

It's nice to see a good first part of a story so I can try to follow along as you post more. I loved the action, the suspense, the descriptions, EVERYTHING! Keep me posted on any other chapters because I'll be the first (or try to) one to read them. And as always KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily





Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana