Ok guy's, so this is my first post ever on yws and I'm not very sure about this poem either.
It could well be that there are a few mistakes and that would be due to me only having 3 years (1-3) of primary school behind me in England( i now live in Switzerland again...) .English is my second language and I haven't been writing in it for 5 years now.
Anyways... I would really appreciate it if you'd review, point out the mistakes and give me a few tips on how to improve
my writing.
Cheers
Skermitz.
Random Thoughts
I was sitting at my desk,
In school today,
Not paying much attention,
Just doodling away.
I glanced up absentmindedly,
And with unfocused eyes,
I gazed out of the window,
To where ‘‘the true world lies.’’
It’s a world full of hatred,
People have only one aim,
To become rich and famous,
They don’t care who they maim.
Everything we do,
We do for personal gain,
What’s in the way, we wipe away,
It’s a world, hardly sane.
I came out of my reverie,
Confused I looked around.
My teacher was still blabbing away,
Something about pronouns.
Twenty faces were turned to her,
Some rapt with attention,
Others stared at her with glazed eyes,
As we all waited for preparation.
Because isn’t that what school’s about,
To prepare us for life,
So that when we enter the fray ourselves,
We’ll have a chance to survive?
I glanced out of the window again,
But this time I saw what was there,
Trees swaying with the wind,
In the frosty morning air.
They were silhouetted black,
Against the purple sky,
When suddenly a bird swooped past,
And smiling I watched it fly.
As it danced in the wind,
I carefully followed its flight,
And a melancholic ache filled me,
As I realized I hadn’t been right.
I could still see freedom and love,
All I had to do was look,
Open my eyes wide,
To see what I had mistook.
The bell shattered the moment,
And for a second I fought,
Trying desperately to cling on to,
The last of my random thoughts.
Question: In the last paragraph, did I use the wrong time???
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Canary word: Present
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Thank you everyone for the great feedback! It's quite motivating that all of you liked it
I know that the rhyming isn't perfect, but it's really hard to find the right words sometimes...
Anyways, I also did this one in a bit of a rush, so maybe that has something to do with it aswell...
Cheers everyone =)
I think that "true" instead of "real" works better with the rhythm.
And I see nothing wrong with your use of Past Tense in the last paragraph.
No no no, it was perfect. You did not use the wrong time. I love it, it has such motive, such a thing that explains those personal moments where you go off in your head and you actually think about something other than what you usually think about. And I am not just saying that for points I actually love it.
Hey there!
This was a really nice poem, which at the end took a turn that both surprised me and finished the poem off nicely.
I do think that, at points, what you were saying felt a little contrived and forced. It was, perhaps, the complete black and white statements you were making - it swung from one end of the spectrum to the other, and therefore lacked some finesse. That said, I especially liked your use of rhyme which is unusual! Obviously not every rhyme was perfect, and I do think you could always read over it and try to make the stanzas run smoother, but compared to some poems it really was good! I didn't particularly mind the partial rhymes (such as 'pronouns') rather I minded the lines that didn't seem to particularly fit within the poem unless it was to create a rhyme.
Nice one!
-Amy
Hi! I really like this. I love how you changed the mood towards the end, and I liked your rhyming. The rhyming could be better though, there are some places where the words don't really rhyme and it doesn't sound quite right. For example, attention and preparation, and around and pronouns. Also, I'm not sure you're doing your idea justice when you call the thoughts random at the end. I would think they are happy, inspired, enlightened, pure thoughts. Apart from that, a great idea and a really good poem!
Hey skermitz! I enjoyed reading your poem, it made me feel like dreaming away like you! xD
Anyway, I like the ryming pattern and the flow of your poem and I must say that it didn't seem to me that English was your second language because you expressed yourself well.
Only critique to make is that you rhymed words that don't rhyme. Here, take a look:
Yet, I know how hard it can be sometimes to find words that rhyme, to put them in a poem and to make them make sense.
That's all from me. Nice work!
Keep writing!
Heya skermitz!
I personally can't distinguish a poem from a slab of butter, but I can tell when one sounds good. This one did. You didn't have that much detail in it, very little actually, but I didn't find it really needing more description. It had a good message and it had a warm feeling behind it; I found myself humming a very airy tone in my head once I finished. ^^
It flowed well and I found no real errors, except that "absent-mindedly" has a hyphon (or whatever that line-thingy is called) in between. This made me smile and think of my days in second grade or so, I dunno why.
In other words, I really liked this.
A lovely piece of poetry, and I'm sorry for the pretty unhelpful review. ^^
|Life|
(Oh, and as for your question, no; you used the right tense in it, don't worry. ^^)