Ordinary man
We’ve shared undefined incompleteness,
While loading guns, we’ll never shoot,
Savouring this strange discreetness,
In which things unsaid have taken root
We’ve probingly tried to figure out,
By challenging our counterpart,
What the other was truly about
Only ignorant of your inevitable depart
Short, but intense our fire burnt,
Flickering flames devouring it all
Until little more could be learned
But leaving me nonetheless enthralled
And just like that fire burning bright
With orban-gold flames dying fast
Leaving behind that mellow light
Of glowing coals, evoking the past
So my nostalgia still lingers on,
A reminder of our briefly shared timespan,
Leaving me certain, although you’re gone,
That you were not an ordinary man
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello skermitz,
This is pretty cool. I'm not quite sure what the fire means, though I have my theories. I also keep wondering why he was gone. This is one of those poems that keeps us asking questions, and those questions, are what makes a great work. Another question: Why orban-gold? Just asking.
~Kelpies.
Hahaha, yeah, well the whole poem is made up of little inside jokes and conversations we had while together and one discussion point was the colour of his hair... he called it orban-gold. I chose the fire as a metaphor for our relationship, because it was mostly around a campfire that we talked and got to know each other. A fire is amazing for conversations...
We met while travelling, but he had to return home and as we live on different continents... well you probably can gather how that would of worked...
Anyway, thanks so much for the review!
Happy writing!
xxSkermitz
Hello. Magenta here for a review!
I see that you've decided to write a poem. The title of this poem is simple, which makes readers want to read it. Other writers focus on making their title seem scary or simply writing what it is about, but I find that you get more readers when you have a title that is less telling. It draw readers in, because they want to know more about it. Ordinary Man. Perfect title!
I have only a couple things to ask you about, because this is a pretty well-written poem. My first question is dealing with the rhyme scheme. You are mixing rhymes. I mean that when I say you have exact rhymes and slant rhymes mixed into your poem.
I'll also admit that I was confused with some of these terms here. Undefined incompleteness. It sounds too long and slightly awkward. I would simply suggest changing that. I think you have better words in your vocabulary that will be much better in your poem.
Sorry if that sounded harsh. I only meant that it could be put differently.
Anyway, I would suggest changing all your rhymes to be exact or all to be slant. I think that you have great writing and have made good use of literary techniques, such as assonance and alliterations and metaphors.
My favorite lines? These...
I love the metaphor and the fiery description! And I love this especially: of glowing coals, evoking the past Great poetry!
Can I ask you a question? Are you from Europe? I'm actually not sure why I asked you that. I guess that's just me being me. Well, I can't wait to see some more writing!
- Magenta
Hi Magenta!
I really appreciate the review..!
Yeah, I'm from Europe, Switzerland to be precise. Good guess!
Just for a quick explanation: I gave him this poem as a parting letter, so it was basically written for "his eyes only". Therefore the whole poem consist of little hints of conversations we had, or inside jokes etc.
Undefined incompleteness was how we defined our relationship. I called it undefined and he called it incomplete. I suppose there are a lot of little details in this poem which hopefully mean a lot more to him than to an outsider. So I wold have difficulty changing the words, as I did chose them carefully and on purpose.
Anyway, thank you so much for the review and happy writing!
xxSkermitz
Thank you for that. I get it now.
Switzerland! Do you speak another language?
yeah, well obviously!
My mother-tongue is German...
Cool! I don't speak German or French.
yeah, but my French is extremely patchy too..