I was born special.
I am one of a kind.
Like everyone else, I have two arms and legs, and I'm guessing all the same gooey insides, but I've never taken a peek under my hood. I probably would if I could because that's just the type of guy I am, but what makes me unique also prevents me from taking a look at my innards.
I'm not sure why, but I was born with unbreakable skin. I've had several run-ins with people who wanted to put me down, but .44 calibre bullets, shotgun blasts, and even a machete haven't left a scratch. I've even been poisoned, but besides some minor stomach pains, I was A-OK.
I'm twenty-three.
I'm unkillable.
As you can imagine, it's hard to care about a nine-to-five when there isn't a single person alive who can stop you.
Did I mention I have the strength of ten men? No? Well, that comes in handy now and then too. Like right now, for example.
I have some fun planned for this weekend, so I'm at the bank making a withdrawal. To no one's surprise, my account is empty, so I'm requesting a loan.
Sort of.
Sometimes you've just got to take what you want. So that's where I find myself at the moment, next to a pile of money, filling my backpack with all it can hold. I'm not greedy, but Louis Jordan said it best: if you want to have a ball, you got to go out and spend some cash.
I hear sirens approaching from outside and the faint sound of a helicopter. I'm surprised by the speed of the response, but it's fair to say I'm getting slower these days. After telling her I would be robbing the bank, I had a long chat with the cute bank teller. I even invited her to come home with me when I finished collecting my funds. She didn't refuse, so maybe we can play hostage and robber on the way out.
As my mind wanders to the fun we might have, I feel a blast against my back.
I spin and see a short, gray-haired man holding a shotgun in his quivering hands. His eyes are wide, and pools of sweat grow on his grey uniform. I approach to disarm him, but he fires another shot before I can. While I'm not damaged by the assault, it still hurts. It won't kill me, but I curse nonetheless.
"Will you stop? Can't you see that you aren't doing anything but ruining what was once a nice shirt?"
The man backs out of the room, drops his gun, and runs away without a word, leaving me shaking my head.
"Why do want-to-be heroes waste my time? I love this shirt." I look down at the tattered remains of my bright green shirt, its tropical design still discernible despite the many holes. I grab my crammed backpack, zip it up, fasten the clasps, and put it on.
My mind returns to the cute teller.
On my way out, I find eight armoured officers entering the bank. I don't hesitate; instead, I continue to approach. The officers raise their weapons, but no one fires a shot. Law enforcement in these parts knows better than to engage me, as I generally don't injure anyone if left alone.
As I reach the front counters, I turn my gaze away from the officers and to my new fascination. Her long orange hair hangs over her shoulders, and her trim body curves in all the right places. "Feel like being my hostage? I'll cook you something tasty at my place."
Despite our earlier conversation, she seems surprised by my request, but after appearing to scan my invitation for sincerity, she nods. I gently lift her hand and give it a quick kiss before we walk toward the exit, hand in hand, the eight officers parting as we approach.
…
I've settled down. The endless parties that used to take up most of my time no longer interest me. These days, I spend most of my time on my farm. Growing my own food is rewarding, and while I eat a lot, any extra I donate to a charity in the nearest city. I've got everything I want and even shacked up with the beautiful woman I took hostage years ago.
After spending a fun couple of weeks together, we parted ways. But, years later, our paths crossed again, and I've been under her spell ever since. I've never been happier.
I'm free to live the life I desire. My abilities allow me to do what I want, but that isn't what makes me feel free. I tried to fill a hole for years, keeping my mind distracted with every pleasure this world offered. Even someone with my strength finds themselves unable to muster the energy to pull themselves out of bed sometimes. The world is a cruel bitch, and she beats down everyone, even me. But the liberation I found in my sweet woman's arms allows me to experience all the ups and downs the world can throw at me with a smile on my face.
Her love is the key
With her, I am free.
...
"Burn it all down!" A man in red shouts at a band of mercenaries. Without hesitation, the group follows the man in red's orders and starts throwing Molotov cocktails at an elegant courthouse. The building stands firm against the barrage at first, but flames start licking out from inside after a few incendiary devices crash through the windows.
"More!"
The group spreads out to attack from different points, leaving the man in red standing alone.
'The government declared me a national threat and called me a wanted man. They said to arrest me on sight for human rights violations. Human rights violations, ha! This is my city now. I am the only judge. No jury is needed. I decide who is guilty and will personally carry out the executions.'
...
"Interesting idea putting patients two and five into the same sim. Give me an update."
"Patient two settled down and chose a peaceful, law-abiding life. Five is acting as per usual, destruction and murder in excess. We have arranged for the two to meet."
...
I crash through my home, wishing to find anything sturdy enough to endure my power, but nothing survives my assault. My love, my everything, gone. Ahh, what a sick world. Why her, a person who never did a damn thing wrong? A woman so precious, so innocent. My world is in pieces. My demolished home accurately represents my life. I'm furious with myself as I look around and see every memory of our time together destroyed around me. But despite my rampage, my fury is unsatisfied, having only one target, the man responsible: Victor Sloatti. A top dog from the west coast, who, over the last month, has expanded his influence to a nearby city and now controls the area. He's unhinged and regularly slaughters the citizens of 'his' city. Why people still choose to live there is a mystery. Perhaps they are too afraid to leave.
Over the last few years, I realized that I'm not as invincible as I believed when I was younger. I made some enemies as I played the hero, who discovered that certain substances could easily tear through my skin. After a near-death experience, which left me hospitalized for nearly a year, I promised my love that I would disappear from the public eye. I was happy to do so, as I could imagine no better future than a simple life together.
After watching the news one night and witnessing the horrific actions of that maniac, I floated the idea of going to help out. But when I mentioned stopping him, the fear in her eyes was a clear reminder of my priorities.
Being the saint she is, she continued driving any extra food I grew to the city. Yesterday, her plan was to do a quick drop-off to a charity which supplies aid to the people affected by Victor's chaos. I thought it was safe as the drop-off point was on the city's edge, so I chose to stay home and watch a movie.
Damn me, damn me, damn me.
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review! I have not read part one, but the description said that you could read this without any prior knowledge, so I’m here anyways.
This feels like something taken straight out of a novel. It has good grammar and sentence structure, as well as plot progression and character arcs. Protagonists are usually on the “good guys” side, but I liked how the protagonist was actually on the “bad guys.” I feel like you gave him a good character voice. This can be seen in the way he’s introduced.
I usually don’t do this, but I feel like I need to pick out specific parts to talk about in order to review this properly.
I feel as if this sentence is very sudden. It doesn’t feel natural to the story. I feel that instead of just telling the readers, the protagonist should be shown to have strength by, for example, lifting something heavy or breaking through something.
I like this transition from the character introduction to what he’s actually doing.
Okay, this made me laugh; he’s literally getting shot at and all he is concerned about is his shirt!
Okay, this may seem a little blunt, but this line made me cringe. There’s kind of a phenomenon in fiction where people describe female characters using weird, cringey metaphors. This isn’t even the worst example of this phenomenon I’ve seen, but still.
As others have said, I feel as if the jump from robbing a bank to settling down on a farm is very sudden. I feel as if the readers should actually be able to experience their character arcs. Obviously, that would take a lot more story to develop, and seeing as this is just an excerpt, there’s probably something that the readers didn’t get to see.
Overall, great story, keep up the good work!
—GengarIsBestBoy
Hello simpleJ!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was quite an interesting snippet you have shared with us! It has all the elements of a great story - romance, action, moral conflict, and a perfectly set up revenge arc - I can easily see this being framed into an amazing story that I would want to read! You have a protagonist with a strong narration. In fact, that is part of what really attracted me to the story - the narration. The narrator's vague narration, his witty remarks and an almost nonchalant reflection of the world made it a very entertaining read, where I felt connected to the character, despite knowing next to nothing about him, even his name.
Coming to the story, I like how you get straight to the point at the very beginning and introduce us to the character just as he is. However, when I first started reading this, the mention of 'gooey insides' and 'innards' had me pause for a second because that's not how normally people would talk. Of course, when you move on to the next part where we learn about his unbreakable skin, it makes sense. But without context, this part does read a little weird.
This is more of a nitpick, but this part where you directly address the readers with a question felt a little abrupt to me, especially with the way it was placed in terms of the greater text. Since the narrator poses this question suddenly without any pretext, I feel that adding a 'And' or 'Also' would make the dialogue flow more naturally. For example: "And did I mention I have the strength of ten men? No?"
This entire part made me laugh, especially with how he tries to casually justify robbing a bank like it isn't a big deal, which for him, I guess it isn't. However, when he quoted Louis Jordan to support his statement, it really was an iconic moment for me.
Here, we have a protagonist with kind of superhuman powers. But unlike typical heroes, he doesn't use it for the good of humanity and instead just goes around doing whatever he pleases. The fact that the first time we meet him is while he was robbing, or in his words, 'requesting a loan' from the bank is just ironic because we know at once that this is a different story with a different kind of protagonist. I knew I was in for an interesting ride right then!
I know you have only shared an excerpt with us, so I cannot tell if this is the natural progression of the story or if there is stuff that happens in between that you couldn't include here. However, I feel like we lost some important character development because of the time jump. Yes, he tells us how he settled down for his woman and how he enjoys a more simpler lifestyle with her now. But I as a reader, would prefer to be shown this development, instead of just being told that our protagonist is very much a changed man now. I would also have loved to read some scenes between our narrator and his woman. In the part where he tells us how important she is to him, I could not really feel it because we never actually got to meet with her and there is not the same emotional resonance with her.
I was a little confused by the sudden change in the narration, but this was definitely an interesting development in the plot as it suggests that bigger forces are involved here. The fact that they referred to them as 'patients' makes me very curious. Although, I do wonder whether the patient two is our narrator who changed his ways and patient five is Victor Sloatti who had killed the narrator's girlfriend. I also wonder if the persons having the conversation arranged for the two to meet by murdering her - its just mostly speculation on my side though!
Overall, I really liked the premise of the story. It got a little fast-paced towards the end and the developments in the plot weren't all that fleshed out. But this is only an excerpt and I have really enjoyed reading it so far! It will be really interesting to see what the narrator will do now without any good influence in his life - whether he will fall back into his old habits and seek revenge.
Keep writing and have a great day/night!
~RandomTalks
These are the same characters from the last story I read. It seems that the main character grew after some time. That woman really changed his life for the better. I hope that she’s still alive. She brings out the best in him, without her, he’d probably be even worse than Victor. I’ll see how things are in the next story.
I hope that you will have a very amazing day and night.