please forgive my broken heart
syndrome,
for the memories,
for my weakened heart.
I am sorry,
for how we never got to use that swing set,
which is now buried with rust and time,
shattered chains and a broken seat,
all it's good for now is memories.
I am sorry I never got to take you
to new heights
or even the beach,
because I passed out at the wheel,
and the breaks didn't work,
when we were going too fast.
Please forgive my broken heart syndrome,
as we round the bend,
just please forgive me
as we flip.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey there!
It's a good opening but I'm not sure about the repetition of heart here:
As you've already said heart in the opening line it feels like you're returning to the beginning again and it doesn't allow the transition to the next stanza to flow as fluently as it could. The idea of the syndrome, like other reviewers mentioned, is quite appealing because it sets the tone for something that could be fairly original and make the piece stand out. It works well as a good hook into the poem and allows people to empathise the emotion to, even if it is alien to them.
I love the imagery here:
That's almost a reflection on history and pulls me in to feel what your portraying, though a little implicit at this point to suggest I'm feeling what you want me to feel, the fact that I am feeling something shows I'm taking an effect away from your poem which is good.
As for your last stanza, I'm not entirely sure I like it and this is due to the wordy feel that I think doesn't really do the pace and favours. I'm not sure what kind of imagery you're leaving me with either and although the portrayal is strong it's a bit jumpy. I do, however, like the impact of the last line of the stanza:
I thought that made for a gooden of an ending!
Hope this helped,
Ben
Alright Eddie. Here I go:
Overall this is cliche. But it gives me a good idea. So it's like a relationship poem, or a poem about a car accident. Neither of which are original. At all.
The idea of "broken heart syndrome" holds potential for something a lot more original. As I mentioned in chat, Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, also known as Broken Heart Syndrome. Which involves the swelling or ballooning of arteries. That has potential for a link to the story being told in your poem. The thing about cliches, they're only cliches if you approach them the way everyone else does. Though, you always do have to be careful with cliches, they've been approached many ways, and all of them have gotten old, so it's difficult to find a new way in. I definitely think you can incorporate the disease with the car accident, and if you put in some more clever words and some substantial imagery you could make something. Not 100% original, but it could be the start of something for sure.
Again, this is just one suggestions. But do some research and you'll find something for potent then the generic love/car accident scene.
Besides that, you failed to incorporate any imagery. Okay going to fast? Like what? In the context of the disease, the blood in the arteries as they've expanded. People can imagine something flowing. But not everyone has raced a car or race through a relationship. Comparisons are essential for that reason. So that the entire poem is tangible for your reader and you aren't just telling them something like that.
Best of luck, feel free to ignore the suggestion of the disease if you so choose. But remember, a little research for your poetry can always take you one step farther.
Kamas
I don't really have any experience editing poems either so this should be fun. I'm just gonna sorta review it for grammar then for the overall story of it. Here goes.
Okay, first of all, I like the "broken heart syndrome" thing. It's a new twist on just a broken heart. It makes me think it's a little deeper. But the bold parts are redundant, and really this doesn't make much sense. Maybe you could make this stanza longer and or wait until the second stanza and just scratch the memories part? Because you explain about that in the next stanza.
I like this stanza. It shows that the narrator and who ever they were with have been separated for a while, with the mention of rust. I would put another word there besides "with" maybe under? Also the third and forth lines don't really fit together. Try to reword it so we can picture the broken swing set, I think the part about it being buried would work better after you tell about the broken seat and such.
In the last stanza you were talking about swings, which go high. So why is the part about new heights in the stanza about a beach? If a line ties in with something else in the poem try to keep them together. Okay so someone dies? They weren't just separated? I like the idea of this but it's not really working where it's at. I would combined the part about the heights with the swings and start this stanza about the narrator passing out at the wheel. You have to tie these thing together better.
I like this part, it's repetitive of what how the poem started but now I know why the narrator is saying this. At the beginning I just thought it was gonna be a break up poem. But I need to be able to feel emotion here because I'm not really wanting to forgive this guy from what I just read.
Overall I think it's a good shell. It's got a lot of stuff you can work with and there's a lot of different directions this poem could go in. Right now it need flow right. I want to be able to go through this person's story smoothly and feel emotion at the end when I realize what happens. I hope this helped but if I confused you with my rambling PM me and I'll try to make better sense
~peanut~
Thank you all, I have little to no experiance when it comes to editing a poem. I'd like it very much so to know if I'm doing it right.
Hey. I have to say, that I too agree and disagree. I don't think the stanzas were too cliche. I personalty liked the last stanza the most. I liked how it changed the feel of the poem from, 'I'm sorry for what I have not done', to, 'I'm sorry for what I am doing'. What I found great, was that the whole poem had the same powerful emotion to it. (at least I think so) It made it so that it didn't just change from i did this, to I did that, but this is what I did, and this is what I have to do. But good poem.
Hey, Eddie! How's it going?
Okay, so I think this is a very nice poem you've written. *luffs* I disagree with Snoink completely when she says the first and last stanzas are too cliched and need to be removed. Cliche does not always mean bad, my friend, and I think you have pulled this off nicely without it seeming too overly cliched. I like the whole idea, and I don't feel its too cliched. Sorry Snoink, but I just don't agree with you there.
Just a little nitpick: I would have kept this statement on one line, not two.
"please forgive my broken heart
syndrome"
Otherwise, great work.
Luffly job! Bravo!
xxx Mizz
I like the "broken heart syndrome", though as Snoink mentioned, it's a rather cliched way to approach the topic. Still, I think naming the "disease" is a nice creative twist.
The last stanza doesn't work so well in terms of flow. I'm not sure if you meant it to be like this, but it sounds more like a hurried rant then a stanza.
Otherwise, nice work.
Hi silented!
I think I would get rid of the first and fourth stanzas. They're just too cliched! Even if you removed on of t hem, the other one would be too cliched! So it doesn't really fit.
However, I love the honesty of stanzas two and three. Those are cute, in a heartbreaking way. I would totally flip them though and try to come up with a conclusion with a little less cliche and a little power.