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Vyheria - Chapter 8

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“It’s not orichalcum or mithril. I can electrify it.” Januse tightened his grip on the metal pole, sending sparks surging through it. He turned around to his inmates in what was now their stone prison. Pacing the length of the small cave was an impatient Exliana. Kandi, sitting in the far corner of the cell, lifted her face out of her knees.

“So Exliana can melt them?” she asked, a hopeful look crossing her face as she gazed at the row of metal poles blocking their prison’s only exit and entrance.

Januse nodded, a smile bridging the gap between his ears. “Yep.”

“Let me at ‘em!” Exliana growled, cracking her knuckles and grasping two poles in her gloved hands. A glowing red light consumed her palms and the bars, and the force generated by it sent her red scarf flowing behind her. Beside her, Januse’s yellow jacket nearly blew off his body.

When the smoke cleared, the bars were still intact. Annoyed, Exliana heated her hands again, this time putting more fire into them. Again, the outcome was the same. Growing angry now, Exliana prepared to use all her flames at once to melt, but just as she prepared to release them, a hand on her shoulder stopped her. It was Januse’s.

“Don’t use all your magic up now,” Januse said calmly. He glanced uneasily outside the cave prison at the long, dimly-lit passageway.“We don’t know what we’ll run into while we’re here.”

After a moment of hesitation, Exliana sighed and reluctantly lowered her hands. “You’re right. We’re stuck here for the time being.” She chose not to acknowledge that she was unable to melt the bars, hoping maybe they would assume the bars were fireproof.

Kandi stood up, a twisted, horrified expression consuming her face. “So we’re trapped? The wyverns are going to kill us, aren’t they?!” She threw her head into her hands.

“Kandi, calm down. The wyverns didn’t risk kidnapping us, three random apprentices, if they didn’t need or want something from us,” Januse explained, clearly trying to keep himself calm as well.

“Indeed, the boy is right. What that something is, you’ll soon learn.” Exliana felt a chill wrack her body, and slowly she turned around. The poles in the entrance of the cave had disappeared, and standing across the hallway was a man with silver shoulder plates and a red cloak. He had elongated ears, almost resembling horns, and his eyes were serpent-like. Patches of scales littered his skin. “I ask that you come with me.”

Januse’s hair stood on end, his hands sparking instinctively. Taking a deep breath, his hair fell flat, and his hands fizzled out. “Who are you?”

The man seemed impatient, but he answered regardless. “You cannot pronounce my name, so you can simply call me Two. I am the Wyvern Mistress’s right hand man, and her military consultant. I am also the second most powerful in the wyvern kingdom, hence the name I told you to use when referring to me. Now, if you will follow me.”

Exliana dashed forward, her right hand burning a bright red. “Her right hand man, huh? Then you’re a high-priority target!”

“Exliana!” she heard Januse and Kandi call out simultaneously, but she paid them no mind. Her fist was aimed at Two’s face, but a well-timed sidestep sent her flying past him. He placed his hand on her back and sent her slamming to the ground. She felt her body be paralyzed at every joint down her spinal cord as he lifted her over his shoulder. Looking up, he once again addressed Januse and Kandi

“The Wyvern Mistress ordered me to bring you to her, and physical force was authorized. If you refuse, you will be given the same treatment as Exliana. Please follow me.” He began to walk down the passageway, and thought Exliana could not turn her head behind her, she was confident they would be following.

The passageway was long, and at the end of it was a massive spiral staircase. The stairs were beautifully decorated and carved from the walls of the vertical tunnel they were built in. The artistic side of the wyverns surprised Exliana.

As they slowly made their way up the stairs, Exliana noted that there was a large space running through the center, wide enough for a wyvern to fly through. How frequently wyverns needed to visit the holding cells Exliana did not know nor want to consider.

They finally reached the top of the stairwell, and Exliana regained motor function. She leapt off of Two’s shoulder, but before she could consider attacking again, Januse’s hand once again stopped her. He nodded to what was behind Two—a massive, ornate pair of stone doors with gold décor across the surface. “Whatever or whoever is behind the doors, we don’t want you to be immobile when we face them.”

Two opened his mouth, and a guttural foreign language left it. “Evast vo liuxu gre jen.” Kandi leaned close to Exliana and Januse.

“He said ‘Grant my entrance’, if you’re wondering.”

Exliana turned to Kandi, raising an eyebrow in surprise and curiosity. “You speak Wyverian?”

“A bit. My mother worked in the royal library, so I spent a lot of time reading the language guides there. I’m fluent in Fae as well.”

Januse looked clearly impressed. “That’ll come in handy. You’ll have to teach me sometime.”

Kandi’s face flushed red from the attention. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

The sound of the heavy stone doors sliding open suddenly captured the three apprentices’ attention. They spun around and watched as it made visible the room inside. Through the doorway was a large chamber of white stone with golden design throughout. The floor was a rich brown wood, and in the center was a long rectangular table with six seats on each side, and a large throne at the end.

At each of the six seats save one sat another humanoid wyvern wearing a cloak and silver shoulderplates. “I have brought them, your mistress,” Two said, walking over and seating himself in the empty sixth seat. On the throne was a seemingly powerful wyvern, her humanoid form wearing red robes, silver shoulder plates, and a dark red cape. The silver crown on her head made it clear who she was.

“Very good. I’ve been waiting to meet you three, Kandi, Januse, and Exliana.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

Oh yeah, revmo's a thing.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

“Let me at ‘em!” Exliana growled, cracking her knuckles and grasping two poles in her gloved hands.

Heh, I liked this image.

“Indeed, the boy is right. What that something is, you’ll soon learn.” Exliana felt a chill wrack her body, and slowly she turned around.

The position of Exliana's name so quickly after this speech made me think for a while that this was her speaking and that she'd got much calmer and somewhat more patronising all of a sudden. I was going to call you out for being insistent when she then runs at Two, but that was when I re-read the speech to check I was understanding right - and it looks like I wasn't haha!

Overall:

Ooooh this flowed much much better than the last chapter. I think this was helped by the fact that there wasn't really much option for what could happen, it was basically guaranteed that the drama-fuelled path this chapter takes was going to happen. This meant you didn't have to try and engineer it like the last one so it never had a chance to feel forced. However, I think you also demonstrate quite considerable skill when you had that brief interlude of them discussing Wyverian, with their attention then being jerked back towards pressing matters. First of all, you managed not to let this discussion feel too casual for the occasion, which I think is helped by Kandi feeling embarrassed, which makes it a little awkward, which stops it from feeling casual. Secondly, their attention straying and suddenly being called back allows you to have a big jolt of tension on which to introduce the room, which also helps it not to feel casual. Good work!

I like having Kandi as kind of similar to Exliana - getting a bit worked up in her head - but that it seems to manifest itself as anxiety rather than recklessness. I think this is an interesting distinction between the two. One thing I will say is that I don't really remember that much about Januse from that brief time we met him before all this went down. I think that's probably because I'm reading the chapters so far apart, but it might be worth mentioning when he does something that is particularly in character for him that it reminds Exliana of some previous interaction they've had.

The last line is extremely intriguing and I think you should know what I am thinking, because it seems so odd that I'm almost worried I'm misunderstanding. Was she looking for these three apprentices specifically? That just seems so unlikely. She didn't even know if they'd get into the academy. How closely must they have been watching to make sure they got these three in a position they could capture them? However, these are questions that would make a good plot, because there obviously could be a secret to be revealed, but I wanted to make sure I was thinking on the right track before I read the next chapter.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

User avatar
Panikos
Review

Hiya, Sheyren! I'm up to date at last. God bless RevMo.

Small Comments

After a moment of hesitation, Exliana sighed and reluctantly lowered her hands.


Her reluctance is clear from her hesitation and her sigh.

She chose not to acknowledge that she was unable to melt the bars, hoping maybe they would assume the bars were fireproof.


This confused me. The bars are fireproof, surely? I guessed that it had to be due to an enchantment on the metal and not a failing of Exliana's powers. They wouldn't put them in a cell an Ignismancer could easily escape.

Kandi stood up, a twisted, horrified expression consuming her face. “So we’re trapped? The wyverns are going to kill us, aren’t they?!” She threw her head into her hands.


This isn't exactly an unreasonable reaction, but I don't understand why she hasn't had it already. It feels odd for her to have had it now rather than, say, when she was first put in the cell. Maybe you could go for something like this:

Kandi stood up, her face twisted. "So we just sit here? The wyverns are going to kill us!"

It's a suggestion, like always, but I think this would link more strongly to the current situation. It's more of a reaction to them giving up than a general 'oh god, we're trapped' response.

The man seemed impatient, but he answered regardless. “You cannot pronounce my name, so you can simply call me Two. I am the Wyvern Mistress’s right hand man, and her military consultant. I am also the second most powerful in the wyvern kingdom, hence the name I told you to use when referring to me. Now, if you will follow me.”


Like Zoom says, it seems unlikely and too convenient that he would tell them all this. We'll learn a lot of this information naturally, as well.

She felt her body be paralyzed at every joint down her spinal cord as he lifted her over his shoulder.


You don't use particularly powerful phrasing here. 'Felt' is not a strong verb and it gives us nothing to work with when it comes to picturing how the paralysis feels. Why not talk about a numbness pooling down her spine? A shock of pain, then a leaden weight in her bones? Description shouldn't always be what it is on the tin. The reader can't be counted on to know how magical temporary paralysis feels.

The stairs were beautifully decorated and carved from the walls of the vertical tunnel they were built in. The artistic side of the wyverns surprised Exliana.


Like Zoom, I enjoyed this. It hints that Exliana has been led to think that the wyvern kingdom is uncivilised, which has interesting implications. I'd have liked to have seen more discussion of the wyverns prior to this capture, so as to get an impression of how people think they live. We could then contrast that with what Exliana actually sees of their kingdom.

As they slowly made their way up the stairs, Exliana noted that there was a large space running through the center, wide enough for a wyvern to fly through. How frequently wyverns needed to visit the holding cells Exliana did not know nor want to consider.


I liked this line. Just subtle enough.

“He said ‘Grant my entrance’, if you’re wondering.”

Exliana turned to Kandi, raising an eyebrow in surprise and curiosity. “You speak Wyverian?”

“A bit. My mother worked in the royal library, so I spent a lot of time reading the language guides there. I’m fluent in Fae as well.”


I agree with Zoom that Kandi should be keeping her fluency secret considering that Two is standing about a foot away, but I also wanted to chip in with some comments from a linguistic perspective. I don't quite like the implication that there is one wyvern language and one Fae language. There's absolutely hundreds of human languages, so why would any other race not have a similar amount of diversity? It'd just add to the realism and richness of the universe if these languages had particular names and were only two of many others. It'd also be cool if Kandi did speak some kind of wyvern language, but it was a slightly different dialect to what Two and the others speak. If she's learnt out of textbooks, she's probably learnt it to a rigid standard, so she might not be too good at understanding it in real life. That would put a natural cap on what she could comprehend, which could be useful narrative-wise. Plus you'll make language nerds like me happy.

“Very good. I’ve been waiting to meet you three, Kandi, Januse, and Exliana.”


I think this last line would be a lot better if you cut the names. They take away from the impact.

Overall Thoughts

I think you jump in too late with this chapter. There's something to be said for getting in at the action, but it felt like a jarring leap and a lot for my brain to catch up with. I quite wanted to see them flying into the queendom and getting a bigger insight into what the place looks like. You could either have it unfold as it happens, or you could have Exliana thinking back while she sits in the cell, trying to figure out how to escape. I just think we need to ease into the chapter a little more steadily than we do.

Your characterisation is pretty consistent, especially with Exliana throwing herself into a fight she definitely couldn't win, but Two didn't strike me as incredibly interesting. He felt rather like a generic right-hand man, cold and commanding and ready to use violence. Just try to think of every character you write, even the minor ones, as people. When he's not parading prisoners around and serving the Queen, what does he do? How does he wind down? What good is there in him? Let the other side of his character feed more into his behaviour. It's never a good idea to just write to type to fill a role in a story. Think of him as more than just a second-in-command bad guy.

More description is still needed, especially considering that we're being introduced to such a foreboding and important setting. You've got the perfect excuse for it, as well; it makes sense for Exliana to be looking around and taking in her surroundings if she's trying to plot how best to escape. I felt like the Queen needed more description too, given what a monumental person she is. Rather than saying that she's 'seemingly powerful', demonstrate the power through how she's described. At the moment, she's described in exactly the same way as the others except for her having the crown.

Anything else to add? I'm not sure. I did enjoy the chapter, as there's always tension in characters being trapped in prison and being frogmarched to see an enemy queen. I'm curious to know what she's demanded to see all three of them. Exliana, I can understand, as she obviously had a powerful mother and seems to be destined for greatness, but I can't figure out why Kandi and Januse are of interest. I imagine we'll discover the answer soon. Or maybe not? Perhaps the rescue mission will get there before they have time to find out.

Looking forward to the next bit!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

User avatar
Zoom
Review
Zoom wrote a review · Mon Sep 03, 2018 8:39 am

Sheyyyyy

“It’s not orichalcum or mithril. I can electrify it.”


Fairly sure mithril belongs to Tolkien/The Lord of The Rings.

“Don’t use all your magic up now,” Januse said calmly. He glanced uneasily outside the cave prison at the long, dimly-lit passageway.“We don’t know what we’ll run into while we’re here.


Have you mentioned yet how they replenish their magic? If not, I feel we should probably know by now? Unless you’re saving this as a surprise on purpose.

The man seemed impatient, but he answered regardless. “You cannot pronounce my name, so you can simply call me Two. I am the Wyvern Mistress’s right hand man, and her military consultant. I am also the second most powerful in the wyvern kingdom, hence the name I told you to use when referring to me. Now, if you will follow me.”


This exposition is a bit too convenient. I can’t imagine what purpose Two would have for explaining so much about himself. We can already assume he is very powerful by his immediate willingness to stand in front of three apprentices without any backup, so we don’t necessarily need his rank right off the bat – especially since it seems that Two is about to take them all to the Mistress, where it will be very apparent that he is her right-hand man. And then you have to consider what kind of characterisation this creates, if a prisoner asks their captor a question and they are actually willing to answer? This to me would suggest that the captor is not very intelligent. Unless they were soooo arrogant that they believe there is no possible way the apprentices can escape, and so spilling information like this is of no consequence, but I’m not sure that’s what you’re going for here.

Exliana dashed forward, her right hand burning a bright red. “Her right hand man, huh? Then you’re a high-priority target!”


A great way to catch a “high-priority target” off guard is to not announce that you are trying to do so. Dialog isn’t necessary here, we would assume just by her launching an attack that she came to this conclusion.

“The Wyvern Mistress ordered me to bring you to her, and physical force was authorized. If you refuse, you will be given the same treatment as Exliana.”


Again this is fairly obvious.

They finally reached the top of the stairwell, and Exliana regained motor function. She leapt off of Two’s shoulder, but before she could consider attacking again, Januse’s hand once again stopped her.


From what I can remember, Exliana was shown to be on the dainty side when it came to physical strength. If she is being held over a very powerful being’s shoulder, “leaping” would not really be an option as such. And Two did not even react to her escape.

“Whatever or whoever is behind the doors, we don’t want you to be immobile when we face them.”


First, Two is standing like right there. How is he not hearing this. Second, this dialog is a little too wordy for a situation like this. And it doesn’t even make sense, anyway. Exliana has the right idea, if they all jump Two then they have a better chance of escaping. Once Two opens the door then the list of opponents could grow longer and Two would still be on that list anyway.

“A bit. My mother worked in the royal library, so I spent a lot of time reading the language guides there. I’m fluent in Fae as well.”

Januse looked clearly impressed. “That’ll come in handy. You’ll have to teach me sometime.”

Kandi’s face flushed red from the attention. “Uh, yeah, sure.”


Again this dialog is completely out of place for a situation like this. And if Kandi can speak Wyvernian then this is a HUGE advantage, one that Two probably isn’t aware of. She should keep this to herself and hope that the Wyverns say something useful in their language, thinking she can’t understand, and share this ability with the others later when they’re alone?

“I have brought them, your mistress,” Two said


Obvious

On the throne was a seemingly powerful wyvern


Gonna need way more convincing if you want me to buy that she just looks powerful.

***

Overall comments:

At first, I kinda understood why you started off with them already inside the Wyvern prison, but now I think that you might have missed a great opportunity here to describe the Wyvern kingdom (queendom?) as they were flying into it – you could have fun with this unique vantage point.

As they were travelling through the castle/palace, the descriptions were bland and didn’t really do much for me. I think I’ve said before that I am also a minimalist when it comes to descriptions, but there are times (like this) where you really have to nail visual details. Also something more important than the descriptions themselves was this:

The artistic side of the wyverns surprised Exliana.


I think you’re underestimating how fascinating this is. I instantly wanted to know so much more about why Exliana assumed they weren’t artistic? This hints at a really rich backstory between two feuding kingdoms and I wonder if they always assumed that their enemies were simply savages and will now find out that the exact opposite is true? It also calls into question what kind of assumptions the Wyverns have about them. This insight into the Wyvern world could really help you bring this scene away from being an ordinary “capture/prison/take you to the queen scene, because some of it is on the typical side. Exliana’s reaction was really interesting and you could utilise this more than just a fleeting acknowledgement of the Wyvern’s artistic nature.

Something that I’m confused about is that the Wyverns seemed to be bird/dragon type creatures, and the kingdom is called the “Wyvern kingdom” but now it seems it is ruled by humanoid figures? Are they able to change into the flying creatures or are they sharing land with them, I’m really confused. I don’t necessarily need the answer in the story now, just saying that this is something I’m wondering about, FYI.

You did a good job sticking to characterisation. Obviously you know I didn’t enjoy the dialog, but what the characters were doing is of more importance to me, and I think it all made sense. Exliana rushed right in for the attack as expected, whereas Januse wants to attack them but he’s more calculated and a bit of an opportunist, it seems. And then Kandi is more reserved and observant of what is going on—I imagine that she will be the one to notice more important details that will become useful later. This is good that they all have different approaches. Exliana seems like such a lose cannon and I think this is where the tension will come from, if she doesn’t control herself she could ruin their chance to escape ^_^

And then there’s the ultimate question, what the hell does the Wyvern queen want with them?! She already knows their names?! That was such a huge WTF moment. How dare you end on such a cliffhanger! :o :o

-Zoom

Thanks for the review! I realize now that my description of the kingdom is lackluster, so next chapter I'll try and flesh it out a bit. Next draft, I'll take advantage of the aerial description opportunity. Also gonna find a way to elaborate on the artistic thing. Thanks again for the review!



"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll