16+

Vyheria - Chapter 5

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Walking into the clearing, Navarre could feel all eyes on him as his cape billowed behind him. Every apprentice knew that he had come in first, and if they had forgotten, the banner on his back would quickly remind them. He wished he could pull the cape over his head and hide beneath its blue tones. Most of the other accepted students were ignoring Exliana beside him. Navarre noted that whoever their teacher was going to be, they had not yet arrived.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Navarre Septiem, the strongest magician in the class.” One of the students stepped out from the crowd, a light purple bandana on his head suggesting he was a Caelimancer. His body was large, and his movements clunky, like he had been put together rather than naturally grew that way. “The name’s Reyvo. I watched the whole final fight from the edge of the clearing after sparkly boy over there-” he pointed to the Fulgurmancer who Navarre and Luatia had fought “-nabbed my ribbon. Funny enough, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you can’t really use your magic. Actually, I don’t know any better.”

Navarre felt a gentle breeze begin to build up, and looking down, he saw a gust of wind swirling around the Caelimancer’s feet. By now, the rest of the apprentices were watching silently as the intensity of the wind doubled, tripled. Navarre walked right past the boy, not hesitating as the wind built up in strength. Ignoring him will completely shut him down.

Reyvo grunted indignantly, but decided instead to turn his attention to Exliana, who had been standing behind Navarre during his face-off. “Look here, it’s the girl Navarre had to carry into a place at the program.”

“I could probably still whoop your weak ass,” Navarre heard Exliana shout to Reyvo challengingly. He sighed as he heard Reyvo’s knuckles crack.

“Exliana, Reyvo, it’s the first day,” Navarre said, turning back around to the two. “Don’t start fighting this early on.”

“Shut it, kid” was all Reyvo muttered before he swung a wild fist towards Exliana. She ducked low to the ground, and his attack missed by a great distance. Exliana launched herself into his torso, using his lack of balance from the punch to knock him towards the ground. He used jets of air from his legs to stabilize himself, however, and in seconds his fist was once again flying towards Exliana. She had been completely caught off guard, and Navarre saw a need to step in.

He jabbed Reyvo’s left side with two icy fingers, feeling the pressure point. Up his torso and into the shoulder, the joint locked up, and the fist stopped inches from Exliana’s frozen face. “End this quarrel now, before the mentor arrives and you start on the wrong foot.”

Reyvo’s arm fell limp to his side as Navarre removed his fingers. Navarre turned away from the two children, feeling Exliana’s eyes are they bore into his back. He always hated when she did that. He hated when she got mad at him for helping her.

Walking into the crowd, he felt a great deal of attention on him. Anxiously, he tried to ignore the staring, but it was difficult, considering the eyes of thirteen people were watching him. Finally, he saw a face he recognized approaching him with a warm expression. “Luatia!”

“Heya, Navarre. Not bad handling that.” She nodded at Reyvo lying on the ground, holding his arm tightly. A blue-haired girl knelt beside him, a bubble of glowing water hovering over the bruise from Navarre’s fingers. “I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Locking up joints using pressure points? Yeah, a Glacimancer who used to train me taught me it. She always swore that it was a weak skill, and that I would barely use it, but I’ve been using it for years.” Navarre and Luatia watched as the Aquamancer beside Reyvo focused intently on the bruise. In seconds, the mark was gone. She stood up and turned to Exliana, but Exliana had already walked away.

“Good day, young magicians!” came an upbeat voice from across the clearing. The students all shifted attention to the flashy mage crossing the way, his white jacket flowing extravagantly behind him, his smooth yellow hair shining in the sunglight. “It is I, the great Fulgurmancer Emniu. I would list my accomplishments to you, but there’s no point in me sharing what you already know.”

The group of magicians stared at him in confusion. Emniu? He was smiling, basking in the attention he was receiving, even if he was misreading the lack of recognition as the opposite. “We must move right along. No time for autographs, I’m afraid. I would like to start by extending a congratulations to each and every one of you. Whether you placed first or you placed sixteenth, you earned yourself a spot among the most prestigious up and coming magicians.

“Now look around you. The fifteen children standing on each side of you will be your rivals. You will ultimately fight them for a spot as one of the seven archmages, when the time comes. But for now, for the next two years, you will train alongside them. You will develop with them, they will help you develop, and you will help them develop. There is no time for introductions, unfortunately, as we have a tight schedule for the day. And of course, that schedule starts with you lot arriving at the training complex.” Emniu waved the students along as he made his way out of the clearing, through the royal gardens and towards the castle gates. Despite the apprentices’ vocal confusion, he answered no questions, and continued on silently.

*****

They had been walking for several hours. In that time, they had left the walls of the kingdom and traversed most of the forest just outside it. And after the extremely tiring (albeit interesting) walk, a walk that the apprentices had not been allowed to follow during their early years, they arrived on the edge of the forest. In the distance, Navarre could see the tall trees of the fairy lands eastward, the tops of mountains in the wyvern kingdom in the north, and the elevated mesa to the west. He looked over his shoulder and saw, through the haze of long distances, the top spire of his home fortress.

“This has to be pretty close to the center of Vyheria, huh?” asked the quirky Fulgurmancer from the entrance competition from the back of the crowd.

Emniu snapped his fingers, winking at the boy. “Precisely, young one. A lot of people, especially those who don’t leave the kingdom often, fail to realize how small Vyheria really is, and thus how close we are to our enemies. Fortunately for us, the badlands here at the center make passing between kingdoms very difficult, even for the wyverns and their flight. Lesson one: wyverns cannot fly forever.” Emniu seemed proud of that fact, and no one wanted to tell him that everyone already knew that.

“Lucky for us, these badlands also happen to provide a great training ground for you young children, as you experiment with the full force of your magic. If you’ll follow me once more, you will learn of our kingdom’s greatest secret.” He took three steps forward and disappeared. Surprised, the apprentices rushed forward, and Navarre watched as one by one they disappeared. Luatia looked at him from his side and shrugged, before she too hopped forward and disappeared. Navarre hesitated a moment, but his curiosity quickly overcame his caution. Stepping into the space where Luatia and the rest of the class had been moments prior, he looked around and saw a rather large fortress.

It wasn’t really a fortress, per say, but the buildings lining a central garden made it feel like one. Past the garden and under several buildings was a massive training field, with every terrain and practice dummy imaginable. The students beside him were equally as shocked by the complex that had appeared out of nowhere, but that shock was dwarfed by something far more, and yet even less predictable.

In the center of the garden, walking towards them with a warm smile on her face, was Queen Sylvetta Syleen the strongest individual in the kingdom, and the continent.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Mon Sep 03, 2018 9:32 am

Hiya, Sheyren! Back again. I'm steadily catching up now.

Small Comments

His body was large, and his movements clunky, like he had been put together rather than naturally grew that way. “The name’s Reyvo. I watched the whole final fight from the edge of the clearing after sparkly boy over there-” he pointed to the Fulgurmancer who Navarre and Luatia had fought “-nabbed my ribbon. Funny enough, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you can’t really use your magic. Actually, I don’t know any better.”


Other reviewers have made Draco Malfoy comparisons, but to be honest, he's only like Draco Malfoy in the sense that he's a rather two-dimensional and confrontational bully. They're both obviously jealous, but there aren't that many similarities aside from that. That doesn't mean it isn't a familiar cliché, though. It's just so transparent to have that Typical Bully who picks on the MC unprovoked and makes a fool of themselves. There's also the fact that he's making such a stupid comment, saying Naverre can't use magic. The guy won the entire tournament and he's trying to act like he's not capable? Magic or not, he's still better than everyone else there. Bullies feel so much nastier when they hit on the truth.

I do really like that simile you use to describe him, though, about how he seems to have been put together rather than having grown into his body naturally. That was excellent.

“I could probably still whoop your weak ass,” Navarre heard Exliana shouted to Reyvo challengingly. He sighed as he heard Reyvo’s knuckles crack.


There's a lot of unnecessary words there. The chapter is from Naverre's POV, so we already know he can hear what she's saying. We can also tell that Exliana is addressing Reyvo, and we know she's being challenging from the content of the dialogue. Try not to clarify the obvious.

“Shut it, kid” was all Reyvo muttered


Kid? Isn't everyone the same age here?

Walking into the crowd, he felt a great deal of attention on him. Anxiously, he tried to ignore the staring it, but it was difficult, considering the eyes of thirteen people were watching him.


You've already established he's being watched, so there's no need to repeat twice more in different ways that people are staring at him. It's also worth noting that I don't really feel Naverre's anxiousness here. He's seemed pretty collected to me. Maybe talk more about how he feels physically? Think about the sensations of anxiety.

Navarre and Luatia watched as the Aquamancer beside Reyvo focused intently on the bruise. In seconds, the mark was gone.


Hmm, this reminds me too powerfully of the healing powers in Avatar - they were based in water as well. I really want to see you differentiate your elemental magic more. There's no reason water should be the sole healing element. Heat is healing in lots of circumstances, as is ice. Ice is best for bruising, as well.

“Good day, young magicians!” came an upbeat voice from across the clearing. The students all shifted attention to the flashy mage crossing the way, his white jacket flowing extravagantly behind him, his smooth yellow hair shining in the sunglight. “It is I, the great Fulgurmancer Emniu. I would list my accomplishments to you, but there’s no point in me sharing what you already know.”


It's actually staggering that you haven't read Harry Potter before, because this guy has Gilderoy Lockhart written right through him, right down to the blond hair and flashy clothing.

In that time, they had left the walls of the kingdom and traversed most of the forest just outside it. And after the extremely tiring (albeit interesting) walk, a walk that the apprentices had not been allowed to follow during their early years, they arrived on the edge of the forest.


What was actually interesting about the walk? This is one of those claims without evidence. Try to summarise specific details of what they've seen. Keep it brief, obviously, but don't lose specificity. I always say that good telling should be like flipping forward in a picture album - you don't linger to look at any of the photos, but you glimpse a few of them, and they're no more blurred than if you paused. Pick out rich, key details and move on from them quickly.

It wasn’t really a fortress, per say


The correct spelling is 'per se', as the phrase was lifted from Latin.

In the center of the garden, walking towards them with a warm smile on her face, was Queen Sylvetta Syleen the strongest individual in the kingdom, and the continent.


This is a good end to the chapter, but the sentence could be tweaked to have more impact. I think you should cut out the 'in the kingdom' bit, personally, because it detracts from the more impressive feat of her being the strongest person on the continent. There's a comma needed after 'Syleen', as well. I'd rephrase the whole thing like this:

In the center of the garden, walking towards them with a warm smile on her face, was Queen Sylvetta Syleen, the strongest individual on the continent.

It's a small change, but it just feels a bit cleaner and to the point.

Overall Thoughts

I'm getting much more into the story now, even if I still have quite a lot of issues with it. There's something inherently exciting about seeing a bunch of kids get thrown together in a competitive magical academy, because there's a chance for lots of character clashes and changes in the status quo. I must admit, though, for someone who dislikes Harry Potter, your story doesn't half resemble it. The premise itself is pretty similar as it is, and Revyo and Emniu bear more than a passing resemblance to two of its characters. It's something to watch out for. J.K. Rowling by no means invented magic school stories or jealous bullies, but she's the most iconic writer to have used the tropes, so the similarities won't go unnoticed by most readers.

At the risk of lifting too much from Avatar, I'd really like to see you explore how elemental magic is used outside of combat. The reason Avatar's magic system is so brilliant is that they showed how it worked in all areas of life - how the Water Tribes used bending to steer boats, and the Earth Kingdom sending deliveries in stone carts, and the Air Nomads playing airball for recreation. In this story, we haven't yet had a lot of opportunity to explore the setting, but when the time comes for that, I hope you keep in mind how mages can use their magic for practical purposes. It'll really enrich the world.

Considering this chapter specifically, what I liked most about it was the insight, again, into how different Naverre and Exliana are. Unlike Biscuits, I didn't find it unrealistic that Exliana was so quick to challenge Reyvo, because she's going to be raring to prove herself after only scraping her way into the programme. I liked the fact that Naverre had to step in and that she hates that so much. I can see why Naverre feels like he has to look after her, given how reckless she is, but at the same time I think he'd be better off letting her fight her own battles. For as long as she feels reliant on him, she's only going to get more and more worked up.

Naverre's character is steadily becoming clearer. He's obviously much more composed and isn't the sort to take criticism to heart, which is a good quality to have. Perhaps he's a bit naive about Exliana's feelings, though - it strikes me that he wouldn't be the best at understanding why things get to her, given that he's always so unruffled. I'd like to see those flaws come to the surface more.

It was good to learn a little more about the geography of Vyheria, but I don't think I'm going to fully feel it until we see the characters actually visiting particular locations. It's all rather abstract at the moment. Maybe because the characters haven't settled in any one place yet, I don't feel like I've got a great sense of the setting yet - nowhere feels personal or familiar to the characters yet. Hopefully that will change when they take up residence in the fortress.

As I mentioned in the small comments, Queen Sylvetta's appearnce was a good way to end the chapter. I wonder what she's there for? I'm imagining it's just to welcome the students and wish them good luck, though I'm kind of hoping there might be a more important reason. Given that you've ended the chapter with her shocking appearance, I hope she doesn't disappear too early in the next chapter.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thanks for the review! I'm gonna be keeping your comments in mind in the future, especially on the topic of fleshing out the magic in every day life, and not following tropes HP and AtLA used (whoops xD). Thanks again!

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ExOmelas
Review

Hey friend, I'm sure this won't be as bad as you think, but I promise to be kind <3

Nit-picks and nice moments:

“I could probably still whoop your weak ass,” Navarre heard Exliana shout to Reyvo challengingly. He sighed as he heard Reyvo’s knuckles crack.

This seems quite a bit too confident for Exliana, especially since the last time we saw her she was at basically rock bottom.

He always hated when she did hate.

Not really sure what this sentence means.

He was smiling, basking in the attention he was receiving, even if he was misreading the lack of recognition as the opposite. “We must move right along. No time for autographs, I’m afraid.

I am giggling SO much right now xD To be clear, the students have no idea who he is, right?

In the distance, Navarre could see the tall trees of the fairy lands eastward, the tops of mountains in the wyvern kingdom in the north, and the elevated mesa to the west. He looked over his shoulder and saw, through the haze of long distances, the top spire of his home fortress.

This is a really well described vista. Feels suitably epic.

Fortunately for us, the badlands here at the center make passing between kingdoms very difficult, even for the wyverns and their flight. Lesson one: wyverns cannot fly forever.” Emniu seemed proud of that fact, and no one wanted to tell him that everyone already knew that.

This is a good way to do exposition, by having a humorous character deliver it. My attention is on who is talking, rather than what he's talking about.

Overall:

I do have an issue here which is that I don't really understand Reyvo's motivations. I know you don't like Harry Potter very much but I think a comparison might be useful here. The moment we meet Draco we know he's a poshboy with a high-pressure wizarding family that he's desperate to fit in with. Harry stands in his way of glory, so he takes it out on him. We know nothing about Reyvo, other than that he's jealous of Navarre. But to start getting violent is quite a big step, and needs more established motivation.

I think we could have done with more Exliana here. We were left in a lot of suspense in terms of her emotions and I'd really like to know how she's feeling about being in the academy but only thanks to Navarre. We don't get that much about the inside of Navarre's head, so I think this could easily have been from Exliana's POV (although the thing about hating the fact that she hated him helping was really godo). She could see Navarre stick up for her, see him having developed some sort of bonds with two of their fellow students already, and maybe react to that. And then I'm sure she'd have roughly the exact same reaction to Navarre at the end.

In terms of plot, I think this was perfectly good. We get a new teacher, who I'm looking forward to interactions with. We get a new setting, and we get a surprise visit from an obviously high impact figure. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

Thanks for the review! That first sentence, by the way, was a typo. "Hate" was supposed to be "that". Whoops. Anyways, I'll be sure to keep those comments in mind in the next chapter. Thanks!

haha fair enough xD

User avatar
Zoom
Review
Zoom wrote a review · Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:51 am

Sheyyyy,

Walking into the clearing, Navarre could feel all eyes on him as his cape billowed behind him. Every apprentice knew that he had come in first, and if they had forgotten, the banner on his back would quickly remind them. He wished he could pull the cape over his head and hide beneath its blue tones. Most of the other accepted students were ignoring Exliana beside him. Navarre noted that whoever their teacher was going to be, they had not yet arrived


Word repetition at the beginning ruins the flow. In fact you use a lot of pronoun-y words in this paragraph.

Also made some slight trims.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Navarre Septiem, the strongest magician in the class.”

This is very Draco Malfoy. I think you should rework this.

His body was large, and his movements clunky, like he had been put together rather than naturally grew that way
.

Ooh I like this simile!

“The name’s Reyvo
.

This dialogue is cheesy as well.

I watched the whole final fight from the edge of the clearing after sparkly boy over there-” he pointed to the Fulgurmancer who Navarre and Luatia had fought “-nabbed my ribbon.


First of all, don’t ever point at my Fulgurmancer. Second, maybe you should remember that he took your ribbon and not be so cocky towards him. HOW BOU DAT.

Navarre felt a gentle breeze begin to build up, and looking down, he saw a gust of wind swirling around the Caelimancer’s feet. By now, the rest of the apprentices were watching silently as the intensity of the wind doubled, tripled. Navarre walked right past the boy, not hesitating as the wind built up in strength. Ignoring him will completely shut him down.


I LOVE NAV FOR THIS

“I could probably still whoop your weak ass,”


This dialog seemed a bit out of character? Like, I believe she would say something ballsy like this, but not these particular words?

He sighed as he heard Reyvo’s knuckles crack.


Again cheesy.

“Exliana, Reyvo, it’s the first day,” Navarre said, turning back around to the two. “Don’t start fighting this early on.”


Why does he care about Reyvo making a fool of himself? He should only be directing this at Ex. Also don’t think you need the second part, I get what he’s implying from “it’s the first day”.

He jabbed Reyvo’s left side with two icy fingers, feeling the pressure point. Up his torso and into the shoulder, the joint locked up, and the fist stopped inches from Exliana’s frozen face. “End this quarrel now, before the mentor arrives and you start on the wrong foot.”


This paragraph was sooo cool. Reminds me of Chi Blockers from Avatar Legend Of Korra. The word choice frozen probably isn’t good so close after Nav using ice powers.

Reyvo’s arm fell limp to his side as Navarre removed his fingers. Navarre turned away from the two children, feeling Exliana’s eyes are they bore into his back. He always hated when she did hate. He hated when she got mad at him for helping her.


It doesn’t feel right to say “the two children” because that instantly makes me think that an adult is narrating this story. I don’t want any sense of this story being told to me. In fact you could do away with these words altogether since it's obvious who he is turning away from.

Walking into the crowd, he felt a great deal of attention on him. Anxiously, he tried to ignore the staring, but it was difficult, considering the eyes of thirteen people were watching him.


This feels like too many words to basically make one simple point.

“Locking up joints using pressure points? Yeah, a Glacimancer who used to train me taught me it. She always swore that it was a weak skill, and that I would barely use it, but I’ve been using it for years.”


I trimmed the first sentence because it was very obvious what happened and what Luatia was referring to. I’m wondering why anyone would possibly think this skill is weak? This skill was clearly very helpful.

“We must move right along. No time for autographs, I’m afraid.


This guy is very over-the-top arrogant, and to be honest it’s reminding me a lot of Gilderoy Lockhart which isn’t good.

They had been walking for several hours. In that time, they had left the walls of the kingdom and traversed most of the forest just outside it. And after the extremely tiring (albeit interesting) walk, a walk that the apprentices had not been allowed to follow during their early years, they arrived on the edge of the forest.


You can’t just say it was interesting and expect us to trust you. I want to know what made it interesting beyond the fact that they haven’t walked this route before.

“This has to be pretty close to the center of Vyheria, huh?” asked the quirky Fulgurmancer from the entrance competition from the back of the crowd.


<3

Liutia looked at him from his side and shrugged, before she too hopped forward and disappeared. Navarre hesitated a moment, but his curiosity quickly overcame his caution. Stepping into the space where Liutia and the rest of the class had been moments prior, he looked around and saw a rather large fortress.


Have you changed the spelling of her name?

It wasn’t really a fortress, per say,


Per se

In the center of the garden, walking towards them with a warm smile on her face, was Queen Sylvetta Syleen the strongest individual in the kingdom, and the continent.


Ooh interesting, wonder what element she uses.

***

Overall comments:

Your issue here is that a lot of the dialog is cheesy and unrealistic. Reyvo seemed like your token, typical school bully and the teacher seemed very one-dimensional as well. It’s very common for side characters to have one distinguishing attribute (bully, arrogant) and for all of their dialog and actions to be centred around that. I would like to see a bit more depth, such as when the Fulgurmancer seemed like he was going to be your typical tough guy but then you really surprised me by making him a gracious loser.

As for what is actually happening in this scene, I could apply similar logic; there isn’t much depth. It seems like we’re simply going through the motions, we’re going to our first class, we’re meeting the other students and teacher etc, it’s all very expected. I’d like there to be more layers and more to engage me. This is doubly important during scenes like this where the plot is restricted by events that need to take place. What I mean is, the reader will expect this chapter where Nav and Ex go to their first class, they will expect introductions to other students and the teacher etc, so that’s why there needs to be more substance to enrich the chapter and engage. Let me know if I explained that poorly.

A little hidden gem in this chapter is actually the composition of Vyheria, how small it is and how close the enemy lands are, and how they all share the same “badlands” between them. This is an extremely interesting set up and will make for a great story. This drew me into the chapter more so than anything else.

Another thing I liked is that Ex is reaching boiling point and is ready to kick off against the first person who looks at her wrong. She obviously wants to prove herself after almost coming last out of the winners. This is a great integration of her character, and I love how when the POV switches you don't forget about the other character and you make sure you include their character arcs as well. Good job on that.

I NEED MORE FULGURMANCER DAMN IT

I know you’re not happy with this chapter so hopefully my comments help in some way.

-Zoom

Thanks for the comments! I really hated just about everything in this chapter, so your comments are doubly as helpful. Also whoops, I'm still getting Luatia's name wrong. I've heard the comment repeatedly that I'm making a story very similar to Harry Potter... I've not actually read Harry Potter, nor knew who Lockhart was until I googled it. XD So hopefully I don't continue to pull out similar tropes. 0.o Anyhow, thanks again!



What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu