Exliana stood on the flat rock platform, awaiting the command to begin the competition. Scanning the environment, she began to formulate approaches. The platform was located in a sparse forest occupying the royal gardens. There was little undergrowth, which would make concealing herself difficult. Not that she intended to hide.
The woman sharing the details of the contest flashed in her memory. “All 58 of you will be placed on pedestals around the edge of the circular royal gardens,” she said, addressing the contestants before her. “You’re all wearing ribbons which display your form of magic, and these ribbons can be worn anywhere on your body, provided they are visible and can be removed. You’re immediately disqualified if an opponent successfully removes your ribbon.
“The last 16 participants to be remaining are admitted into the program. However, they will continue to fight until only one is left, and the order they are eliminated reflects in their class rank. Now, to make things more interesting, the center of the garden is a wide, circular clearing. In the center is a white banner. The contestant who grabs this banner is automatically accepted as the first-place winner. If there are still participants remaining after the banner is taken, then the holder of the banner is removed from the contest, and the battle continues as before.
“And because it’s the most enjoyable part of my job, I’ll remind you—though I’m sure you already know very well—that an individual is only allowed to compete once. If you do not pass today, you will never be able to become a magician on the front lines.” The woman smiled at the silent crowd, a gesture which was returned by none “Good luck!”
Exliana figured everyone would rush for the center, but if she wanted to have the best chances of acceptance, she would need that banner. It was as far from the pedestal as possible within the confines of the garden, so Exliana would need to save as much magic as she could for the central clearing.
In the sky above her, a burst of flames erupted, giving the contestants permission to begin. Exliana leapt off the stone, stumbling slightly on the landing but recovering. Taking off through the forest, she was moving at full speed, not saving any energy for whatever reason she may need it. Everything was resting on her reaching the center far before any competition.
The clearing was soon in sight through the tall, bare-branched trees. Glancing left then right, no one was running beside her, and she would be clear of the forested region in thirty or so feet. Refocusing her attention on the banner, she nearly didn’t notice the boulder barreling towards her. It came from behind her, whistling through the air so quickly she barely had time to duck below it.
Spinning around, she saw a large, brutish boy with no hair and a scar running down his left cheek standing before her. His size would likely have prevented him from getting the banner, so he instead chose to eliminate as many contestants as he could. A brown ribbon was tied around his waist like a belt. Brown… He must be a Terramancer.
Exliana thought back to what Meru had taught her about Terramancers, but the adrenaline distracted her. She was able only to recall a single fact about them that he told her several months back. “Terramancers’ ability to manipulate the ground beneath your feet gives them the ability to control combat ranges. If they want to fight in close quarters, they will shrink the battlefield, and if they want more range, they’ll increase the space between them and their opponent.”
The boy before her bent over, slamming his fists in the ground. Lifting them out revealed they were covered in stone gauntlets, but he didn’t appear as though he meant to engage first. Probably waiting to see how I want to fight, to do the opposite. Exliana’s hands began to glow red, heating up with trace amounts of fire.
I can’t damage him from a range, or I’ll use too much magic and pass out. But if I try to get in close, he’ll separate us. She raised one hand, grabbing her wrist with her other. It was a common stance Ignismancers used when preparing to fire a beam of flames. Her hand glowed a radiant red, and the boy before her fell for the trickery. He threw his hands onto the ground, and a stone wall emerged from the earth in front of her.
Exliana dropped the stance, and hearing him approach from the left of the wall, spun left accordingly. Charging the fire on her fist, she put as much fire into it as she reasonably could. She leapt out from behind the wall fist-first when she expected him to run forward, but she was too fast and missed by several inches. Crap.
He slammed his gauntlet down on her arm, using enough force to knock her onto the ground. Lifting off his feet, he angled for a body slam, but compared to Navarre, he was slower than a wyvern after a full meal. Rolling out of the way, Exliana left him to land on bare soil, while she was already jumping back to her feet.
Growling like a wild animal, the boy kicked the ground, and three boulders flew up from it. Exliana sidestepped one, ducked below a second, and kicked a third with a flaming leg, knocking it off of its trajectory. Moving quickly, she closed the gap between her and her opponent, and before he could react, her blazing fist connected with his gut.
Exliana expected some form of reaction after the contact, but the boy seemed unaffected. He knocked her over the head with one of his gauntlets, and she was sent stumbling backwards. Confident he had won, he began to amble towards her. As he approached, Exliana closed her eyes. Blood was pouring from the gash on her head, and even if she rose again, her attacks could do nothing.
“Exliana, you must start utilizing your body weight more. Even against larger opponents, it can at least buy you some time.”
The teachings of Meru flashed in her mind, and it give her an end-all idea. If it failed, she was guaranteed defeat. Determined now, she stood up, hands behind her back. In one hand, she kindled an ember, letting it expand within the palm. Her other hand sealed in the ember, and the pressure of the closed space built up. The fire wasn’t much, and was probably all the magic she could conjure this late in the game. But…
She opened her hand, and the fire burst out backwards. Jumping up, she was propelled forward by the force of the fire, and with her right shoulder, she slammed into the boy, knocking him backwards. He tried to block himself with a stone wall behind him, but the force was so immense it kept his body from touching the ground.
The two hit the ground with shocking force, rolling backwards into a hole left by a projectile boulder. Exliana landed on top, and her enemy below was restricted by her weight atop him and the size of the hole. The ribbon on his waist was in Exliana’s hand faster than the fire had launched her, and she hopped out of the hole with it in hand.
Her attention was now back on the clearing. She stumbled towards the banner as the students were emerging into the clearing, limping on the leg she had kicked the boulder with. Her shoulder was dislocated from the impact, she could tell, and the gash on her head was still pouring blood down her face, but she was determined to reach the banner first.
Clearing the tree line, she tripped over her bad leg, rolling onto the sandy floor of the hollow. With her good arm, she reached for the banner hopelessly, her vision blurring. To her left, she spotted a girl with a pale purple ribbon—a Caelimancer, able to manipulate air—approaching her quickly, eyes on the red ribbon around Exliana’s glove rather than the banner.
There was no fire left in her to fight back, not today. The Caelimancer girl was cruising on jets of air, and would reach Exliana in a matter of seconds, and there was still at least 25 participants wearing ribbons in that clearing. Exliana’s eyes fell shut.
I failed.
It was all for nothing.
Everything I’ve trained for, thrown away.
I failed.
I failed.
I...
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey, I wasn't going to review today in case of burnout but I am currently very bored and would like something to do xD
Nit-picks:
This is okay for just now but at some point could you explain why this is the case? Right now it feels like the answer is because plot xD
Overall:
So, the main issue here is actually stylistic. I was tempted to group it in with nit-picks, but I'll just get it out the way first before going onto plot. The thoughts in italics are quite strange. Sometimes they are things that we could easily just be told based on what Exliana knows, and it wouldn't feel like infodumping, because you relayed the information at what would have been a fine speed anyway. Then there are some where Exliana talks to herself in full sentences, which seems unrealistic, then there's just "Crap" which works way better as the kind of thought that might flash through her head, but contrasts sharply with the tone of the other thoughts.
One that does work very well is:
“Exliana, you must start utilizing your body weight more. Even against larger opponents, it can at least buy you some time.”
because these are exact words going through her mind, a very specific (but short flash of) memory. I can how this would play out in a person's mind, but I find it unrealistic that someone's memory would play back the words of someone else word for word (the flashback to the explanation of the rules).
Anyway, onto more fun stuff (though feel free to ask about that stuff if you have any questions).
You continue to be good at combat sequences, very varied and interesting. I think that maybe there should have been more than one incident that results in her losing, like there would be more tension if the competition ebbed and flowed a bit. But the idea of her losing everything in one fell swoop would also be interesting, so I guess I'll see where you go with that.
Was Navarre in this btw? I'm a bit confused.
Also remember to at some stage tell us why you can only do this competition once. Also why they're so selective. Most armies want as many people as they can get and will just only promote the ones that show more promise.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review! I'll keep your comments on mind while working on the next chapter!
(Also yes, Navarre is in this competition, as you'll learn.)
Hiya, Sheyren! Sorry it's taken a while to get to this. Review commitments have been piling up, but I'm determined to stay on track.
Small Comments
There's something removed about your writing style here. I'll talk about it more in the overall section, but I don't really feel like you give us a good enough sense of Exliana's perspective. I want more sensory detail about the smell and sounds of the forest, and more of a sense of where she is relative to parts of the environment. It'd be worth giving us some idea of what approaches she's considering, as well. Just saying that she formulating is too tell-y and doesn't really let us get into her head.
I'm going to recommend you delete the flashback section, but I still want to make a point about unnecessary information. Because this woman immediately goes on to explain the rules in her dialogue, it's redundant to define her as 'the woman sharing the details of the contest'. We can work that out for ourselves. It comes across like you're holding the reader's hand.
Would 'the last 16 participants to remain will be admitted' work better? Or even just 'the last 16 participants will be admitted'.
As with the 'woman sharing the details of the contest', this is another part where you state the obvious. The reader will most likely remember Meru's dialogue - it was only a chapter ago - so reinforcing it as 'the teachings of Meru' feels like spoonfeeding. It also slows the section down. Even though you have a good sense of how action sequences unfold, you need to make them pacier. Rather than dwelling on Exliana's internal thoughts, focus more on her actions and reactions. There's so little time to think in a fight that it feels inauthentic to have her stop and ruminate over strategy.
I couldn't really picture what was happening here. Did you mean that the force was so immense that the wall didn't keep him from being knocked down?
I like this detail. When she kicked the boulder away, my first thought was 'yikes, that'll hurt', so I'm glad to see it did actually injure her.
Overall Thoughts
1) This chapter is more exciting than the last one, as there are more concrete stakes and Exliana has something to fight for. It gives me definite Hunger Games vibes. I agree with Zoom that you should avoid flashing backwards almost immediately after setting the scene, especially when what you're flashing back to is...kind of an info-dump. If you're going to restructure the chapter and start with the flashback part, be careful with your delivery. Wading through exposition isn't never much fun.
2) I kind of feel like the story is moving too quickly. In principle, this scene should work. There's a clear goal, there's a motivation for Exliana, and there's plenty of obstacles for her to overcome. We should have tension. However, I'm not as invested as I could be, and that's because I feel like I barely know Exliana. I don't really get why it's so important to her to get into the program. I don't know what her personality is. I feel like I need more time to understand her, the setting and the value of the program before I can really sympathise with her efforts in this chapter.
3) Like Zoom, I agree that you need to use the senses more. What with the fire flying around, I'd expect to see a bit more about smell and touch. On the whole, I feel like your writing style doesn't get into Exliana's perspective enough. In the fight scenes, you describe what happens, but not really how it impacts her - you don't talk about her being in pain when her opponent smacks her, or her knuckles smarting when she punches him in the gut, or the exhaustion driving through her or the sweat on her back. I feel like I'm too much at a distance.
I've not got the time to delve into it now, but it might be worth giving this article a read. It's all about psychic distance in writing, and how you bring in your POV character's voice into a narrative. It's only a short piece, but it might be helpful.
4) I was a bit confused at the end when Exliana got into the clearing. Where exactly is this banner? Do they have to climb to reach it or is it just at ground level? More description would definitely help.
5) The ending is quite intriguing. I'm not sure what to expect. Part of me thinks that Nav is going to swoop in and knock the Caelimancer girl out of the air, but considering that you have two protagonists, I suppose it isn't out of the question that Exliana could be eliminated but Nav could get into the program. That would be interesting. That would certainly shake things up a bit.
That's all for this review! Sorry if I was harsh. If you want me to elaborate on anything I've mentioned here, please do ask.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review! I'm currently writing up the next chapter, and I'm keeping your review in mind as I do.
I'm also reading that article, which so far has been pretty helpful.
Thanks again!
Hey, thanks for the tag.
This is one of those “then why bother mentioning it” moments. Perhaps she could instead acknowledge that her opponents would have difficulty concealing themselves, so this has more relevance.
I’m going to go into more detail in my overall comments, but don’t do flashbacks immediately after trying to set the scene. It’s jarring and unnecessary.
I think you mean admitted rather than omitted
Surely the characters are literally standing in front it, and do not need it pointed out?
This was an odd insert of characterisation, since this person literally only serves to add exposition and isn’t integral to this scene.
If she is focused on something in front of her, how is she noticing something behind her?
Overall comments:
1) This is lacking atmosphere. There’s no tension and emotion charging this scene. Mostly this is due to the odd beginning. You flashed back to something that happened two minutes ago, just start the scene there instead ^_^ Or start it even further back so we have a chance to experience the emotions Exliana is feeling prior to the competition.
2) You could have utilised more senses than sight and hearing, especially considering you have great opportunities to do so, what with boulders, fire and air flying around all over the place. There’s a lot of tastes, smells and tactile experiences that you could use to bring this scene to life.
3) It was bizarre that Nav wasn’t mentioned, I thought he was also competing? They really needed to have some kind of exchange before the competition started.
4) The battle scenes were still good, despite what I said above. I really liked the part where Exliana concealed an ember in her hand, let the pressure build up, then released it and shoulder barged that guy into oblivion ^_^ I can tell this story is going to be full of cool moments like that.
Keep on taggin’
-Zoom
Thanks for the review!
For the second draft, I will most definitely start with the flashback part, and have it not be a flashback. XD Definitely gonna be using the senses better in future chapters, too. As for Navarre, the next chapter will be from his perspective.
Thanks again for the review! Glad to have your input!