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Vyheria - Chapter 7

by sheysse


“Let me be clear. I’m just as unhappy about this arrangement as you are,” Navarre said from the sofa to Reyvo, in response to the glares being flung his direction. “I would be satisfied sharing a room with pretty much anyone other than you, so of course I end up as your roommate.”

Reyvo snarled like an animal. It was just another example of his behavior being too unrefined for Navarre not to despise. “If we agree,” started Reyvo as he hopped off the top bunk, which was apparently his, “then let’s not pretend to be personable with the other.”

“I didn’t know you could fake personability,” Navarre commented indignantly as his new roommate left the dorm, slamming the door behind him like he had never in his life held in a negative emotion. “Alrighty then, this is gonna be a long two years. At least I can go home on the weekends.” Navarre scanned the informative pamphlet he had found on the desk.

Getting up, he too left his room and headed for Alyis and Cre’lo in the training field. Once he had arrived in the clearing, he saw a good portion of his class standing around the two upperclassmen. They were being shown the cafeteria building, extending out of the far side of the stone wall surrounding the clearing. Opposite them were maybe four or five upperclassmen, running training drills through gallons of sweat.

Navarre met up with the rest of the class, instantly gravitating to Luatia. Exliana was not yet present, so she remained the only person Navarre knew in a sea of foreign faces. He approached her, and saw she was talking to the two identical Silvamancers from the entrance competition. “Heya, Navarre! How’s the roommate thing going?” she asked with a wink when she noticed him.

“Don’t get me started.” Navarre groaned.

Luatia stepped aside to show her new acquaintances off. “Well, this is Nalu, and this is Natu. They’re in the room next to mine, so we’re basically like best friends now.” The twins nodded to him politely, and he returned the gesture.

“You were the boy who finished first, yes?” the one Navarre thought was Nalu asked.

“Oh, uh, yeah, that was me.”

“Be prepared. One of us will surpass you by the end of the year,” Nalu replied with a straight face, staring him in the eyes. It took Natu bursting into laughter beside her for Navarre to realize Nalu was cracking a joke.

Navarre folded his arms, smirking with a mock Reyvo-esque arrogance. “Pfft, I’d like to see you try.” Navarre was glad the fake narcissism didn’t miss its mark and seem genuine, as he saw Nalu smile. Her smile seemed reserved, or calculated, like every inch her mouth curved was being noted in her mind. Natu, who was still laughing, seemed to be the clear opposite, her laughter raucous and wild, while still being more refined than Reyvo.

“So... who are we waiting on?” Cre’lo asked in his drawling, tired voice. He looked around, trying to narrow it down and figure out who was missing. “There was that Ignismancer girl who’s not here, and the quiet Aquamancer girl. Oh, and the Fulgurmancer boy. Anyone feel like getting the-”

One of the students let out a startled scream, falling to the ground. He pointed up above the Frouri Dynmico, and a fearful shock fell upon the students. Flying through the air over the fortress was a wyvern. In one talon it carried an unconscious Aquamancer and the Fulgurmancer from the entrance contest, and in the other talon was…

“Exliana!” Navarre called out to the unconscious body of his long-time companion. Slamming his hand into the ground, he imagined a pillar of ice emerging from the ground below him. Realizing what he was doing, he stopped, the world going silent as he looked down at his hand on the ground.

Blood? Why was there blood on his hand? He lifted his hand, trying to shake the blood off, but it was like a stain on his skin. He heard screams around him, but they were muffled by a louder sound. Someone was sobbing. Did they need his help? Where were they? He stumbled forward blindly, his vision blurring. Water in his eyes?

The water was warm. It was tears. He was the one crying. Blinking back the tears, he saw the body. And the blood. No, no, this wasn’t real. He had gotten carried away again. Bring yourself back to reality. Exliana. Think of Exliana. Exliana is real, this is not.

He was back in the clearing again, his hand still on the ground. Instantly, the situation at hand came flooding back to him. Exliana was being carried away by a wyvern. Screams from his classmates rang out.

“Crap! How the hell did it find us?” Alyis shouted among the uproar, lifting her hand up towards the aerial beast and watching as the heat built up. Cre’lo, finally seeming alert, placed his hand on hers.

“If you knock that thing out of the air, you’ll send the apprentices falling down a solid forty feet. They won’t survive.”

Alyis sighed impatiently, lowering her hand and watching the wyvern fly out of view behind the Frouri Dynamico’s walls. The clearing was silent. No one wanted to say anything that would induce panic, but after what they had just watched, there was really nothing else to say. So instead, they said nothing.

It had been a long time of silence, but Navarre didn’t know how long. Ten minutes, maybe, or an hour. But finally, someone said something. “Queen Syleen won’t be able to send anyone to rescue them,” Cre’lo said.

“What? Why?!” Luatia asked almost with anger in her voice.

“They’re only three apprentices. What could the Wyvern Mistress possibly want with them? It’s clearly a trap, and even if she does have a reason for capturing them, the queen won’t risk the lives of countless more to save them.” Cre’lo sighed. “I guess that’s the type of decision a queen has to make.”

Finally Alyis spoke. “Then it’s a good thing I’m not a queen. Cre’lo, get Mistral and Lotus.” Cre’lo smiled before heading back to the dormitories, while Alyis looked to Navarre’s class and addressed them. “It’s a day trip to get to the Wyvern Kingdom, and a day trip to get back. It’s the weekend, so no authority figure is going to visit the Frouri Dynamico for at least two days.”

“But I thought the queen said Emniu would be giving us a lesson tomorrow,” Natu piped up from within the crowd.

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but that expression on Queen Syleen face tells me something big has gone down in the kingdom. Emniu will certainly be occupied for longer than the queen wanted to let on, so that was basically a lie. The adults will do that a lot, so you get used to figuring out what’s the truth and what isn’t.

“Anyways, I was put in charge of this place, so under my decision, I’m leading a rescue operation. If anyone outside of this place finds out what we’re doing, I’ll take the full blame. I’ve already got a team of four, but it would be unfair not to offer you places in it. So, step forward if you want to help save those three apprentices.”

Navarre stepped forward without hesitation. For a moment, no one else followed suit, and sweat began to roll down his face. Can we really save Exliana with only five people? I’m sure those four are strong, but we’ll be walking into enemy terri- Luatia stepped forward, with Nalu and Natu at her heels. She winked at Navarre, and he felt a wamth swell in his chest. Relief?

“Anyone else?” Alyis asked, clearly not expecting any more apprentices to volunteer themselves. But as she asked it, another student stepped forward, a student Navarre had known for a long time.

“Vala. I find it difficult to believe you want to help Exliana,” Navarre with an icy tone.

Vala chuckled. “Oh no, of course not. I would never risk myself for her sake. No no, I’m joining in to keep my favorite cousin safe.” She shrugged.

“Again with the whole ‘protecting me’ thing. That’s been your excuse for years.” Navarre folded his arms. “I’m fine without you, and you know it. Why are you really volunteering?”

Before Vala could answer, yet another student stepped forward, and Navarre—well, actually most of the class—could barely believe it. With an indignant look on his face, Reyvo stood beside the other volunteers, clearly annoyed by all the looks. Navarre didn’t know what to say.

“Okay, I guess that’s it,” Alyis said after no one else volunteered. She motioned for the others to do what they pleased, and most wandered away aimlessly, unsure what do considering what was happening. By now, Cre’lo had returned with a large blue haired boy and a polite green haired boy.

“Looks like ya got some scrappy volunteers here, huh?!” the blue haired boy roared, leaning in close to inspect Navarre. “Nice cape. Looks like you’re the kid who finished first. Well, better look out. It ain’t uncommon for the initial top-of-class apprentice to lose their spot if they get to arrogant.” Navarre slowly backed away, unnerved by this apprentice’s passion, which seemed to persist regardless of the situation at hand.

The green-haired boy behind him pushed up the glasses on his face with two fingers. “Don’t get the wrong idea about Mistral. He seems like he’s trying to scare you, but he’s giving you genuine advice.”

“He’s a sweet guy, and he means well. Doesn’t want the same thing that happened to him to happen to you,” Alyis jumped in. “I’m sure Cre’lo filled you in?” She turned to address Mistral and Lotus.

“Yes, he did. You don’t need to ask for our help. We know the terms of our pact,” Lotus said.

Pact? What did Alyis do to get these guys under her command like that? Navarre thought to himself, starting to wonder how scary she would be in battle.

“Well, if we leave now, we’ll arrive when it’s still dark, which is the best time for a rescue mission. Let’s get going,” Cre’lo said, leading the way to the exit gates. Navarre shot a glance at Luatia, who smiled uneasily. The first-years followed their seniors, headed straight for the enemy’s empire.


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Tue Sep 04, 2018 10:03 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Sheyren!

Small Comments

“Well, this is Nalu, and this is Natu. They’re in the room next to mine, so we’re basically like best friends now.”


Kind of a weird thing to say to people she's only just met? Generally speaking I'm not a big fan of characters declaring best friendship. Even in real life, you can tell people are close without needing to be told.

Navarre folded his arms, smirking with a mock Reyvo-esque arrogance. “Pfft, I’d like to see you try.” Navarre was glad the fake narcissism didn’t miss its mark and seem genuine, as he saw Nalu smile.


You're still holding the reader's hand too much. We don't need every detail and thought explained to us in painstaking detail. Just having Nalu smile would make it clear that she didn't think Nav was being serious.

He pointed up above the Frouri Dynmico, and a fearful shock fell upon the students.


Can you describe specifically how this shock manifests rather than just stating that it's there? Are they screaming and pointing and pushing against each other?

“Exliana!” Navarre called out to the unconscious body of his long-time companion.


We know who he's calling out to and we know she's a long time companion. This is not necessary. I also think you could do with a stronger speech verb than 'called out' - it sounds too casual for the situation. I'd expect him to be shouting, at the very least.

He heard screams around him, but they were muffled by a louder sound. Someone was sobbing. Did they need his help? Where were they? He stumbled forward blindly, his vision blurring. Water in his eyes?

The water was warm. It was tears. He was the one crying. Blinking back the tears, he saw the body. And the blood. No, no, this wasn’t real. He had gotten carried away again. Bring yourself back to reality. Exliana. Think of Exliana. Exliana is real, this is not.


This was easily the best-written bit of the chapter for me.

The clearing was silent. No one wanted to say anything that would induce panic, but after what they had just watched, there was really nothing else to say. So instead, they said nothing.

It had been a long time of silence, but Navarre didn’t know how long. Ten minutes, maybe, or an hour.


I do not buy that these people would sit there in silence for two minutes, let alone ten. Why isn't Naverre saying anything? Exliana's as good as a sister to him, isn't she? He should be freaking out, demanding what they're going to do, asking how they can contact the Queen or Emniu. I can buy that he might be stunned for a little while, but his reaction is nowhere near strong enough.

“But I thought the queen said Emniu would be giving us a lesson tomorrow,” Natu piped up from within the crowd.

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but that expression on Queen Syleen face tells me something big has gone down in the kingdom. Emniu will certainly be occupied for longer than the queen wanted to let on, so that was basically a lie. The adults will do that a lot, so you get used to figuring out what’s the truth and what isn’t.


Hmm, this seems a bit thin. She's only got a hunch that something big has gone down, and she doesn't know for certain that it'll keep them away for two days. It doesn't seem like the strongest justification. I think it'd be better if they knew for certain that Emniu wasn't coming back for a while. Or if Alyis just disregarded their concerns - 'you care about lessons when three people have just been carried off by wyverns? What's more important here?'

Overall Thoughts

First, I want to touch on what Biscuits mentioned about Reyvo and Naverre. I agree that it's too sudden and soon for them to have this intense rivalry and rudeness between them, and I don't think it helps that one is so much more unreasonable than the other. It does seem that Naverre has some snobbery in him concerning his comments on Reyvo's 'unrefined' behaviour, and I think you should build on that. Maybe Reyvo is uncouth and coarse, but maybe Naverre's elitism only makes things worse. I feel like there should be a clash of personalities on both sides rather than it just being that Reyvo is rude and jealous and Nav is exasperated but reasonable. When two people don't get on, it's often due to a failing on both parts.

This is especially important given that you seem to be setting up Reyvo to redeem himself, given that he's coming on this rescue mission. Redemption only works if we see evidence of good in a character long before it properly surfaces, and at present, I've seen nothing good in Reyvo. He's no reason to be horrible to Nav yet he is, he's been nasty to Exliana too, and I can't see any reason why he'd volunteer for the rescue. If we had a more concrete reason as to why he took against Nav, maybe he'd be more understandable. It could still be rooted in jealousy, but of a more sympathetic kind. Perhaps he knows Naverre and Exliana come from a privileged background and have had the best training available. Perhaps Reyvo hasn't, and from his perspective he's lost out to someone who's never had to work as hard as him. That's obviously just a suggestion - I don't know enough about Naverre and Exliana's backgrounds to know if they've had the best training or not - but my point is that unreasonable behaviour can come from understandable sources.

In regards to the rest of the chapter, Biscuits and Zoom have raised a lot of points that I agree with. The conflict with the wyverns and assembly of the rescue mission felt both rushed and almost not fast-paced enough simultaneously. I think the problem lies in the fact that the characters take the steps that I'd expect of them. They plunge into a rescue mission without even trying to contact the Queen or even just a more senior mage, but at the same time Naverre is curiously dawdling considering how panicked he must be. Zoom is right that he should be driving this rescue mission. He is the one with the personal connection to Exliana, not Alyis. Yet he just sits in silence for ages and doesn't even try to galvanise the others or speed things up.

I also don't really understand why they couldn't tell a more senior member of staff. Surely Emniu can't be the only teacher in this place? There's at least 32 students here, which obviously isn't many, but they all specialise in different elements and so are surely going to need different tutors. Plus it's a highly advanced academy, so you'd expect a low ratio of students to teachers - people learn better when they get more one-to-one attention. I don't get why there's nobody else to ask.

So yeah, I think the biggest weakness of this chapter lies in the reaction to the wyvern attack, particularly on Nav's part. He's not worried enough. He's not active enough. And while I understand from a narrative point of view that it's desirable to have the students run off for this rescue mission, it doesn't make much sense to me that they'd be alone in this, or that the Queen would refuse to retrieve them. She doesn't have to do it personally if she fears a trap, but there's no reason for her not to send others. We're talking about kidnapped children, for goodness' sake. A Queen who just left them to die wouldn't maintain her popularity for long.

One of the elements I really liked about this chapter was the moment where Naverre had that odd vision - or is it a flashback? It wasn't overdone, and it hints at something that's been subtly building up for a while. Naverre seems to be oddly restrained when it comes to using magic, and I'm assuming it's because he can't always retain control of it. But that vision hints at a rather dark past. I can't remember the prologue too well, but I feel like I remember Sylvetta and Meru talking about some sinister side to Naverre's abilities. I might be wrong, though. If that is the case, I suppose it would tie into that clan Kandi mentioned in the last chapter.

All in all, pretty intriguing. I'm looking forward to seeing how this rescue mission unfolds, and to finding out more why Exliana and the others were snatched in the first place. I'm not convinced it's a trap to lure the Queen in. I think somebody knows who Exliana is really and wants to take her out.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




sheysse says...


Thanks for the review! I'll be keeping your suggestions in mind in future drafts, and of course upcoming chapters.



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Mon Sep 03, 2018 6:54 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Shey! I feel like I haven't reviewed this in ages xD

Nit-picks:

It was just another example of his behavior being too unrefined for Navarre not to despise.

Huh, I hadn't pegged Navarre as a snob.

“Well, this is Nalu, and this is Natu. They’re in the room next to mine, so we’re basically like best friends now.”

It seems somewhat unlikely that a parent would give their twin children such similar sounding names.

“They’re only three apprentices. What could the Wyvern Mistress possibly want with them? It’s clearly a trap, and even if she does have a reason for capturing them, the queen won’t risk the lives of countless more to save them.” Cre’lo sighed. “I guess that’s the type of decision a queen has to make.”

This seems like a weirdly insensitive thing to say to them at this particular moment. Like, why not tell the students to go back to their dorms, or not to panic, or give them hugs if they want them?

Overall:

The first thing I didn't understand here was the anger between Reyvo and Navarre. Okay, anger actually might make sense, but this seems to be hatred, hatred that has had a long time to fester and intensify and now nothing could ever fix it so they might as well just try to live with each other. For two people who've just met, that's a bit much. I can imagine things being icy, passive aggressive, awkward, but if they were going to be frank in the way they were I imagine the first reaction would be to shout at each other what was their problem with the other.

I also think the whole danger with the wyverns seems very rushed. Well, no that's not quite true. Hold on, I'll try to explain. If it is true that the queen will not help, then they should act. There have been some plausible reasons for why the queen might not help, but it doesn't feel very definite. Obviously it would be inconvenient for plot reasons to go find her and ask, so I think what you could do is have a more definite reason why the queen would not help. Maybe she has not helped in similar situations in the past, maybe there is a reason she literally cannot be contacted in time so they have to take initiative. Something that makes going by themselves the only option, because if there are any other options then that doesn't seem like the strongest one :P (though i'm sure the lack of hope is on purpose)

Also, there's not very much tension after the apprentices are taken. There doesn't seem to be any screaming, at all. I know there's stunned silence, but I would be surprised if afterwards students just milled around, and if literally zero of them panicked. I guess it could be because these are the most level-headed of the people who tried to get into the school, but that would probably need to be mentioned.

What I do like is the pace. I was expecting it to take a while for like, lessons to get started and high school style rivalries to develop, but this is very intense danger at what I would describe as the appropriate point in a novel. I also continue to like Navarre's character, the way that he's kind of protective of but also exasperated by Exliana. It seems like a bit of him would like not to have to save her so that he could hang out with his new friends, which is an interesting dynamic.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




sheysse says...


Thanks for the review! I'll be keeping your comments in mind in future chapters and drafts!

(As an aside, Nalu and Natu's names are being changed, which I'll mention in an Author's Note.)



ExOmelas says...


you're welcome, and good to know :)



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Zoom wrote a review...



“Let me be clear. I’m just as unhappy about this arrangement as you are,” Navarre said from the sofa to Reyvo, in response to the glares being flung his direction. “I would be satisfied sharing a room with pretty much anyone other than you, so of course I end up as your roommate.”


This is literally the only possible, acceptable way you could have started this chapter ^_^

“Well, this is Nalu, and this is Natu. They’re in the room next to mine, so we’re basically like best friends now.” The twins nodded to him politely, and he returned the gesture.


I personally advise against giving the twins very similar names, just makes things harder to follow. Although you could make the names similar without having this problem, such as a different first letter? Nalu & Talu, for example.

***

Overall comments:

Again I feel as though you have some pacing issues. You’ve set this rescue mission up very quickly but I feel there should be more to it than this? It wasn’t very compelling how Alyis announced the mission and then within a couple of paragraphs, all of the apprentices were immediately split down the middle, neatly falling in either the “yeah I’ll come” or the “heck no” categories. I would have enjoyed more conversations surrounding this. They are clearly defying the queen’s wishes, which they are well aware of as they even said she would not endorse a rescue mission. Was nobody on the fence and needed convincing either way? Was nobody questioning what kind of punishment they would receive on their return, and if that outweighed the reward of saving the captured apprentices? Why are Alyis and Cre’lo eager to save people they hardly know? Cre’lo even said that it was likely a suicide mission, so why are they willing to put more people at risk just to save people of equal value? A surprising amount of people are willing to risk their lives for people to which they have no emotional attachment!

Another problem for me is that Nav has not done anything here to drive the plot forward. The rescue mission should really have been spearheaded by him, but instead he has taken a backseat role and is merely following along with Alyis’ commands. The majority of your story should be happening because of your main characters, not to your main characters. Even if the idea didn’t come from Nav, like, he should have had more impact to the scene than this. The readers should always feel that things wouldn’t be possible unless the main character had done the things they did, but as it stands, you could remove Nav from this scene and things would have played out exactly the same.

I’m very intrigued about what happened when Nav whacked the ground and tried to conjure an ice pillar. That seemed very spooky, like he was tapping into some kind of forbidden magic and had to stop himself at the last second. Great stuff – I wonder if that ties in with those funky techniques that alleged mysterious clan taught him.

Also can I just say that I’m really pleased that the Fulgurmancer was taken with Exliana. I can’t wait to see what kind of impact he has to the story. Ya know how much I dig him ^_^

-Zoom




sheysse says...


Thanks for the comments! I was kinda rushed in writing this chapter, so I think it shows, whoops. On the topic of the twins and their names, I get your point... Would it be weird to go back and change them now, or am I stuck with them for this draft?



Zoom says...


Nah change away if you want! Personally it would help me keep track of your characterisations for each twin :)



sheysse says...


Will do! Thanks. :)




The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet