Hiya, Sheyren!
Small Comments
“Well, this is Nalu, and this is Natu. They’re in the room next to mine, so we’re basically like best friends now.”
Kind of a weird thing to say to people she's only just met? Generally speaking I'm not a big fan of characters declaring best friendship. Even in real life, you can tell people are close without needing to be told.
Navarre folded his arms, smirking with a mock Reyvo-esque arrogance. “Pfft, I’d like to see you try.” Navarre was glad the fake narcissism didn’t miss its mark and seem genuine, as he saw Nalu smile.
You're still holding the reader's hand too much. We don't need every detail and thought explained to us in painstaking detail. Just having Nalu smile would make it clear that she didn't think Nav was being serious.
He pointed up above the Frouri Dynmico, and a fearful shock fell upon the students.
Can you describe specifically how this shock manifests rather than just stating that it's there? Are they screaming and pointing and pushing against each other?
“Exliana!” Navarre called outto the unconscious body of his long-time companion.
We know who he's calling out to and we know she's a long time companion. This is not necessary. I also think you could do with a stronger speech verb than 'called out' - it sounds too casual for the situation. I'd expect him to be shouting, at the very least.
He heard screams around him, but they were muffled by a louder sound. Someone was sobbing. Did they need his help? Where were they? He stumbled forward blindly, his vision blurring. Water in his eyes?
The water was warm. It was tears. He was the one crying. Blinking back the tears, he saw the body. And the blood. No, no, this wasn’t real. He had gotten carried away again. Bring yourself back to reality. Exliana. Think of Exliana. Exliana is real, this is not.
This was easily the best-written bit of the chapter for me.
The clearing was silent. No one wanted to say anything that would induce panic, but after what they had just watched, there was really nothing else to say. So instead, they said nothing.
It had been a long time of silence, but Navarre didn’t know how long. Ten minutes, maybe, or an hour.
I do not buy that these people would sit there in silence for two minutes, let alone ten. Why isn't Naverre saying anything? Exliana's as good as a sister to him, isn't she? He should be freaking out, demanding what they're going to do, asking how they can contact the Queen or Emniu. I can buy that he might be stunned for a little while, but his reaction is nowhere near strong enough.
“But I thought the queen said Emniu would be giving us a lesson tomorrow,” Natu piped up from within the crowd.
“I’m not sure what’s going on, but that expression on Queen Syleen face tells me something big has gone down in the kingdom. Emniu will certainly be occupied for longer than the queen wanted to let on, so that was basically a lie. The adults will do that a lot, so you get used to figuring out what’s the truth and what isn’t.
Hmm, this seems a bit thin. She's only got a hunch that something big has gone down, and she doesn't know for certain that it'll keep them away for two days. It doesn't seem like the strongest justification. I think it'd be better if they knew for certain that Emniu wasn't coming back for a while. Or if Alyis just disregarded their concerns - 'you care about lessons when three people have just been carried off by wyverns? What's more important here?'
Overall Thoughts
First, I want to touch on what Biscuits mentioned about Reyvo and Naverre. I agree that it's too sudden and soon for them to have this intense rivalry and rudeness between them, and I don't think it helps that one is so much more unreasonable than the other. It does seem that Naverre has some snobbery in him concerning his comments on Reyvo's 'unrefined' behaviour, and I think you should build on that. Maybe Reyvo is uncouth and coarse, but maybe Naverre's elitism only makes things worse. I feel like there should be a clash of personalities on both sides rather than it just being that Reyvo is rude and jealous and Nav is exasperated but reasonable. When two people don't get on, it's often due to a failing on both parts.
This is especially important given that you seem to be setting up Reyvo to redeem himself, given that he's coming on this rescue mission. Redemption only works if we see evidence of good in a character long before it properly surfaces, and at present, I've seen nothing good in Reyvo. He's no reason to be horrible to Nav yet he is, he's been nasty to Exliana too, and I can't see any reason why he'd volunteer for the rescue. If we had a more concrete reason as to why he took against Nav, maybe he'd be more understandable. It could still be rooted in jealousy, but of a more sympathetic kind. Perhaps he knows Naverre and Exliana come from a privileged background and have had the best training available. Perhaps Reyvo hasn't, and from his perspective he's lost out to someone who's never had to work as hard as him. That's obviously just a suggestion - I don't know enough about Naverre and Exliana's backgrounds to know if they've had the best training or not - but my point is that unreasonable behaviour can come from understandable sources.
In regards to the rest of the chapter, Biscuits and Zoom have raised a lot of points that I agree with. The conflict with the wyverns and assembly of the rescue mission felt both rushed and almost not fast-paced enough simultaneously. I think the problem lies in the fact that the characters take the steps that I'd expect of them. They plunge into a rescue mission without even trying to contact the Queen or even just a more senior mage, but at the same time Naverre is curiously dawdling considering how panicked he must be. Zoom is right that he should be driving this rescue mission. He is the one with the personal connection to Exliana, not Alyis. Yet he just sits in silence for ages and doesn't even try to galvanise the others or speed things up.
I also don't really understand why they couldn't tell a more senior member of staff. Surely Emniu can't be the only teacher in this place? There's at least 32 students here, which obviously isn't many, but they all specialise in different elements and so are surely going to need different tutors. Plus it's a highly advanced academy, so you'd expect a low ratio of students to teachers - people learn better when they get more one-to-one attention. I don't get why there's nobody else to ask.
So yeah, I think the biggest weakness of this chapter lies in the reaction to the wyvern attack, particularly on Nav's part. He's not worried enough. He's not active enough. And while I understand from a narrative point of view that it's desirable to have the students run off for this rescue mission, it doesn't make much sense to me that they'd be alone in this, or that the Queen would refuse to retrieve them. She doesn't have to do it personally if she fears a trap, but there's no reason for her not to send others. We're talking about kidnapped children, for goodness' sake. A Queen who just left them to die wouldn't maintain her popularity for long.
One of the elements I really liked about this chapter was the moment where Naverre had that odd vision - or is it a flashback? It wasn't overdone, and it hints at something that's been subtly building up for a while. Naverre seems to be oddly restrained when it comes to using magic, and I'm assuming it's because he can't always retain control of it. But that vision hints at a rather dark past. I can't remember the prologue too well, but I feel like I remember Sylvetta and Meru talking about some sinister side to Naverre's abilities. I might be wrong, though. If that is the case, I suppose it would tie into that clan Kandi mentioned in the last chapter.
All in all, pretty intriguing. I'm looking forward to seeing how this rescue mission unfolds, and to finding out more why Exliana and the others were snatched in the first place. I'm not convinced it's a trap to lure the Queen in. I think somebody knows who Exliana is really and wants to take her out.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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