emo poem

Heya. Happy Review Day~

As the kids laugh

Thoughts of death lure into me

Okay, so your usage of the word "lure" here was kind of confusing. Technically, lure means "bait," or anything that "attracts, entices or allures." So when I read the word being used in this context, I thought "Hey, you have a good idea going here, but you could've reworded it a little differently, so it makes more sense." And, if I might make a suggestion here, how about tweak the sentence so you're talking about being lured in by death? Or about how these unnatural, morbid thoughts are being lured in by the overall atmosphere around you? Because really, you need to have something to begin with in order to be "alluring." I'm sorry if this is confusing, and I'm just rambling on about this, but please restructure this? Otherwise, it's a perfectly wonderful piece of imagery, only that I don't think that particular word can be used that way.

Just to end it no one loves me

Whoa. Too fast! Too fast! Slow down there. It's okay if the no-punctuation thing was intentional, but it just seems like a random stream of incoherent thoughts without it. Add a couple of commas... a few periods, maybe?

Thomas here for a review! Welcome to YWS by the way!

Here we go:

For starters, I think that this is a very good start. While revision is advised, it's also good point out that it's a very well written piece. I mean, your voice is very clear and I really do enjoy your tone throughout.

Some things, though. Mostly grammatical. Punctuation isn't used here at all. That brings many problems when you're trying to evoke emotion in your readers. If you really want them to be sympathetic to this narrator or you really want them to read it easier, use punctuation.

I'll take this line by line so that I can fully explain what I mean:

"As the kids laugh,"

"Thought of death lure into me;"
Using a semicolon here will break apart your lines easier and give your readers a second to pause. This evokes a feeling of desperation as the dark thoughts approach. You might want to change it to "Thoughts of death lure into me;" as well. It makes it sound much better and gives it more of a flow.

"Just to end it,
No one loves me."
Breaking these two lines apart makes it flow so much better and gives the reader the ability to fully comprehend what you're saying and what this narrator is feeling. Also, adding the comma and period lets you pause when reading and ends the thought for a second so that you can give the feelings time to sink in.

"The angel is gone,
Never coming back."
Again, split them into two. It would make this flow much better.

"Broken,
No reason to live;"
Same as the previous two. Split, comma, then finishing punctuation. The semicolon will help a lot with working with the emotion of the next line.

"Tears now turning red."
Now, this is where I think you need to realize the tone that you are giving here. It's very melodramatic and could really turn a lot of readers off. It's a little too "boo-hoo" and not as realistically depressing.

"Blood raining across the white floor."
Just take this line out. It's extremely melodramatic and, to be honest, takes away from the sincerity of this piece. You're really taking away from what you've built up here. Taking it out would make this more of a concise piece.

"No turning back,
tears and screaming
along with the pain."
Using breaks here and giving it more of a pause with a comma would really help this line. I think that making it into three lines would really benefit this piece. It would give it some length and would also help bring your intended tone together.
Also, maybe change it to "No turning back/tears screaming/along with the pain." Giving the emotion some personification could really help your readers connect.

"Dying* with no love."
A period would really help solidify this statement of complete desolation.

"Broken,
can never be
put back together."
I think putting this into three lines instead of one, utilizing commas and breaks, would really help finish this poem out. And a period to fully close out the thought would be helpful.

Also, maybe make this into stanzas. Separating these thoughts into different stanzas could really give narrator a stronger voice; and in turn, a solidified story.

Sorry to be nit-picky, but I felt as if I couldn't give you my full opinion without breaking it down for you. This is a really good start, and I think that after you revise this a little, it could really be a substantial piece.

Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started.
I've noticed a reoccurring theme throughout all your poems which are protectors like angels and devils, and death. This is a little bit better than the last poem of yours I reviewed, but still needing some improvement. "Thought of death lure into me" When you have a singular noun it must have a plural verb like "death lures" or in a different context "He loves" vs "They love".
Also, you either need punctuation or create new line in certain places that need it. For example
"Just to end it,
no one loved me."
"The angel is gone,
never coming back" (which i would suggest changing to "never to return" to sound poetic)
"Broken,
no reason to live.
Tears,
now turning red"
"No turning back.
Tears and screaming,
along with the pain"

Also "Dyeing" is spelled "Dying"

I hope this was helpful. Have a nice night and continue writing!
~Purple