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141,411 Literary Works • 674,391 Reviews
Hi Sea!
This has a fresh concept and lovely imagery, but it just didn't seem like a poem at all. If you take out the stanzas, you've got a basic story. Whenever an author clearly seems to be struggling as to whether to turn their idea into prose or poetry, I usually tell them to stick with prose. Why? You can go to so much more development with prose. Of course you can do whatever you need to do, but I'll be critiquing this assuming you decide to keep it as a poem.
1. NITPICKS
I'm going to have to echo silented here. How can hands be censored? Here's the definition of 'censored' from the dictionary.
...Yeah. What questionable content could hands possibly have? And how would it be censored? Gloves? If that's the case, 'censor' doesn't fit.
Why does this deserve its own line? I understand you want to stand out, but our attention should be brought to this word naturally. Stick it with smoke and you'll be fine.
What? What's scarred and burnt and aching? Expand by giving us a subject, please.
I don't know if stained would necessarily be the right word, considering sweat just melts off. Maybe 'soaked' would be better.
2. FINAL THOUGHTS
Depending on what path you decide to take with this [poem or story] you're going to have to make a few changes. Right now, condensation would be great. You could read through this (out loud!) to see if you catch any adverbs you don't need. Reading aloud always helps because you catch a lot of mistakes that way.
Anyway, I'd like to see where you take this. PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor xo
Hello sealegs!
Once again you're messing around with parenthesis in the title, and this time I think I might get it! Buying or burying, that is the question; what are they burying? Something sinister, I think. Now a bodega is a kind of convenience store, among other things (thank you Wikipedia!), so that answers a few questions. And I think when you say "censored" you imply that the hands are covered with something, whether grease/oil (I always think of black markouts, that's why), dirt, or the calluses.
I think that's it for guesswork.
The rest/actual poem poem is lovely. The word choice is stellar and you capture the scene with all its rugged emotions beautifully. After reading your other work I can tell that you're going to be consistent in your quality, which is great. Though I don't live in one, I love cities, and that's another reason I enjoy your work, since you often feature them.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
–antimelrose
This is good, I like the concept.
, I'm guessing it's a place to buy drugs or something?
Though I don't know what a bodega is
I don't see how hands can be censored... It has no relation to calloused, from what I know.
That confused me too, but I think I know what you mean.
I also love the enjambment, good job.
How are they censored? That doesn't really make any sense to me. Or what are they censoring, perhaps.
I am guessing this is saying that they are lighting up a cigarette and then rolling tar onto the streets? I understand it but it's a bit hard understand it. In a way, it's confusing a little.
Other than that, nice job, structure is alright too. =p
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1