Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
The first thing I noticed when reading this is the bold. I'm assuming you didn't realize this when you're writing this but usually when you are using the bold element, its usually towards emphasizing a point in whatever writing. Like italics are used to show thoughts, to separate from text. In this poem, I think the bold isn't needed plus to me it kinda hurts the eyes having the whole thing in bold.
I'm going to review this piece stanza by stanza and if I get anything wrong, let me know!
The sorrow is trying to grab-
It’s killing the inside,
Looking at someone who doesn’t care
No one for...
Thoughts and opinions to share.
A ghastly smile hanging on lips;
Trying to have sorrows in sips.
In this first stanza, I like how you give personality to sorrow. Not only does it give a different tone to the stanza, it also make it relatable to whoever is reading this because I'm sure a lot of people have been that position. The one thing I would suggest change to would the be the last two lines. For some reason, I'm thinking sorrows is trying to drink sorrows off the tongue off of those that have dealt with it, being sorrow. It feels a bit different and weak; rewording it might help it be stronger.
A sorcerer’s sordid job-
Gave no loss to the mob.
But the nominal nomad
Reverie the reviling, being sad.
Higgledy-Piggledy the life is passing-
The disdain to it is rushing,
The condition is disgrace
The disgruntle is also keeping pace;
The disfigure shows the case
Tuppence response by the race.
This stanza is confusing. Like, I have a general idea of what is going on but I'm confused on where it's going. Like, who are focusing on here? I suppose it gives the reader a different perspective of how sorrow is effecting each of the people but at the same time, it doesn't have a place. It's a bit wordy too; most poems just get to the point. If you keep having it go on with confusing words, readers might not want to read it. Just skim over it and go read something else. Even though this poem has a nice theme about poverty, I would do something sweeter and easier to understand.
Also, try to not repeat the same word in the beginning of each line in the stanza. Usually when you want repetition, it is for some important reason. Kinda like when you want to use italics or bold.
The ending of this poem is something I like. Because you are basically saying this is going to happen again, and thus it is never-ending.
Overall, this was a good poem. A big suggestion I give to everyone is reread your work and find the knots in your work. It's a big help for you in the future and you can figure out things only the writer's eye can find.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Points: 25891
Reviews: 279
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