Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Action / Adventure

E - Everyone

Zach's Dream Paragraph Draft (PLEASE RE WRITE in your review)

by sapphireluna


Sapphire found herself in a small dark room. She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus, and her first thought was she was in a movie theater. A few feet in front of her was a wide movie screen covered in circles- all different sizes. Each circle had a short scene replaying its self again and again and again, reminding her of the orbs she had just witnessed. Some where black and white others filled with color, and all showing very bizarre images. Sapphire was starting to panic. She looked around and spotted an "emergency exit" right next to the huge screen in front of her. Feeling slightly nauseous, she stumbled over to the door. Only a few inches distance, she felt her feet slip from underneath her. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground in a prison cell. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 632
Reviews: 7

Donate
Sun Jan 01, 2017 7:36 am
View Likes
hwrites wrote a review...



Hey! I think this story was very interesting and thought-provoking. I enjoyed the creative and out-of-the-box concept-- it was very refreshing to see. I liked your employment of color, as it created a very vivid image in my mind. I hope you continue this story/idea, because I would love to keep reading!


There were no plot errors in this story. The only possible changes I can see are in word choice, sentence construction, and word agreement, which is awesome! I’m just going to comment on a few lines I think need some revision:


•“She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus, and her first thought was she was in a movie theater”- This sentence is a little long and bulky. The first clause is good, but the end is hard to understand. I would suggest reading everything out loud because it allows you to hear the flow of your words. I would change this line to either “She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus, and suddenly, she was in a movie theater,” or “She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus. Suddenly, she thought that she had been transported to a movie theater.”


•“A few feet in front of her was a wide movie screen covered in circles- all different sizes”- This one is simple-- I would just change the ending to “circles of all different sizes.”


•“Each circle had a short scene replaying “its self again and again and again, reminding her of the orbs she had just witnessed.”- Make sure to specify which orbs that she saw. Isn’t she still describing the circles on the screen? Maybe this context is in a previous paragraph, so I may be wrong. Also, I would change “its self” to “itself.”


•“Some where black and white others filled with color, and all showing very bizarre images.”- This sentence is good at the end, but the first phrase is confusing. I would change it to “Some were black, some were white, and others were filled with color. Still, despite their variance, they all showed very bizarre images.” This adds some more detail, and separates the colors apart from each other.


•“Sapphire was starting to panic”- This one is also really simple. I would just change it to “Sapphire started to panic,” to keep the story in the same tense.


•“Only a few inches distance, she felt her feet slip from underneath her.”- I think you just forgot to add a couple words in this sentence. I would change it to “when she was only a couple inches away from the bright sign, she felt her feet slip from underneath her.”



This story was awesome! Please, please continue it. You have a lot of promise. I envy your immense amount of creativity. Keep writing! Never give up! This was awesome! :)

-h

P.S. Sorry if this is redundant! I haven't read the other reviews.




sapphireluna says...


Thank you so much!
I'm glad you liked it.
Yes- the orb piece WAS mentioned in a previous paragraph that was not mentioned in this one.
Anyways- thx!
XXX,
sapphireluna



User avatar
235 Reviews


Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:48 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Sapphire found herself in a small dark room. She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus, and her first thought was she was in a movie theater. (Wouldn't a movie theater be large?) A few feet in front of her was a wide movie screen covered in circles- all different sizes. Each circle had a short scene replaying its self again and again and again, reminding her of the orbs she had just witnessed. (Describing the scenes would really help to set the tone) Some where (some were) black and white (maybe add while) others filled with color, and all showing very bizarre images. Sapphire was starting to panic. (show, don't tell. Maybe instead of telling us that she's panicking say that she's sweaty and jumpy, describe how she feels without telling us outright) She looked around and spotted an "emergency exit" right next to the huge screen in front of her. Feeling slightly nauseous, she stumbled over to the door. Only a few inches distance, she felt her feet slip from underneath her. (maybe saying that she's stumbling and then in the next sentence saying that she tripped is redundant) The next thing she knew, she was on the ground in a prison cell.

(I didn't feel any certain way reading this. I know that Sapphire is supposed to be scared, but I don't feel worried for her at all. Try to use words that will evoke a nervous feeling in the reader. Try to get more in Sapphire's head so we know what she's thinking and how she's feeling)




sapphireluna says...


Thank you!
I'll take everything you say into consideration for my final draft.
About the where were thing- I feel really stupid saying this but I never knew it was spelled that way. On the other hand- I SUCK at spelling so It makes sense. Thx for letting me know!



User avatar
126 Reviews


Points: 344
Reviews: 126

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2016 8:53 pm
Aleta wrote a review...



Sapphire found herself alone in a small, dark room. She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus in the dim light. Her first thought was that she was in some sort of movie theater. A few feet in front of her was a wide movie screen covered with circles of all different sizes. Each circle contained a short scene replaying itself over and over. Some of the circles were black and white, while others were full of color. (Explain the bizarre images, hence..) Her breath got caught in her throat as she turned to see one of the circles showing a young boy, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing...focus, Sapphire damn you! Feeling nauseous, she stumbled over to the door. As Sapphire reached to turn the brass knob, she tripped over her own feet(or shoelaces).

(I think you should end it with a voice saying 'welcome back...' or something scary at the end to give it more effect).




sapphireluna says...


OK thank you so much! This is perfect



Aleta says...


No problem!




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain