Hey! I think this story was very interesting and thought-provoking. I enjoyed the creative and out-of-the-box concept-- it was very refreshing to see. I liked your employment of color, as it created a very vivid image in my mind. I hope you continue this story/idea, because I would love to keep reading!
There were no plot errors in this story. The only possible changes I can see are in word choice, sentence construction, and word agreement, which is awesome! I’m just going to comment on a few lines I think need some revision:
•“She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus, and her first thought was she was in a movie theater”- This sentence is a little long and bulky. The first clause is good, but the end is hard to understand. I would suggest reading everything out loud because it allows you to hear the flow of your words. I would change this line to either “She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus, and suddenly, she was in a movie theater,” or “She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus. Suddenly, she thought that she had been transported to a movie theater.”
•“A few feet in front of her was a wide movie screen covered in circles- all different sizes”- This one is simple-- I would just change the ending to “circles of all different sizes.”
•“Each circle had a short scene replaying “its self again and again and again, reminding her of the orbs she had just witnessed.”- Make sure to specify which orbs that she saw. Isn’t she still describing the circles on the screen? Maybe this context is in a previous paragraph, so I may be wrong. Also, I would change “its self” to “itself.”
•“Some where black and white others filled with color, and all showing very bizarre images.”- This sentence is good at the end, but the first phrase is confusing. I would change it to “Some were black, some were white, and others were filled with color. Still, despite their variance, they all showed very bizarre images.” This adds some more detail, and separates the colors apart from each other.
•“Sapphire was starting to panic”- This one is also really simple. I would just change it to “Sapphire started to panic,” to keep the story in the same tense.
•“Only a few inches distance, she felt her feet slip from underneath her.”- I think you just forgot to add a couple words in this sentence. I would change it to “when she was only a couple inches away from the bright sign, she felt her feet slip from underneath her.”
This story was awesome! Please, please continue it. You have a lot of promise. I envy your immense amount of creativity. Keep writing! Never give up! This was awesome!
-h
P.S. Sorry if this is redundant! I haven't read the other reviews.
Points: 632
Reviews: 7
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