“Sapphire!! Hey! Wake up!” Luna shook her best friend until Sapphire felt the earthquake-like movements even after Luna had stopped. She was breathing heavily and the blanket they were sharing was entangled in her legs, sticky with sweat.
“You were talking all weird in your sleep, and kicking and thrashing in the blanket. You okay?” Luna wrinkled her forehead in concern. Sapphire was staring off into the distance, and still didn’t know what to say.
“Hey!” Luna exclaimed, snapping her fingers in front of Sapphire’s face attempting to grasp her attention.
“Huh? Oh…. yeah, I guess I was having just a nightmare. Sorry to wake you up.” She looked down, not wanting to tell Luna about the dream that had just went on as she slept. All the memories and images were still intertwined in her brain, and as much as she tried the push them out, they never seised return to haunt her mind like a boomerang.
Sapphire was about 3 inches shorter than Luna was. Her hair was a nice light brown but was constantly all tangled up, so whenever anyone did as little as run their fingers through it, her head would feel like it was exploding. Sapphires’ nose was pale, short and round, and as much chapstick as she applied, her straight lips were always chapped. What Sapphire took as her best feature were her large, bright green eyes, with short, thick, dark eyelashes. Sapphire was a writer and a reader, and she was creating stories in her head all the time. Sapphires’ dream was to become a playwright, so she read as many books and scripts as she could. She adored Shakespeare, and was constantly quoting multiple lines from all of his well written productions.
Luna was tall 13 year old with fiery, orange strawberry blonde hair. Every morning, Luna got up extra early to pile it all up into a neat high ponytail in the upper middle of her head. She had bubblegum pink lips and a long, thin nose. Her bright blue eyes were mesmerizing, and she had long, light, feathery eyelashes. Luna participated in three different sports, all of which she practiced for two times a week (Basketball Monday and Friday, Soccer Wednesday and Saturday, and Track Tuesday and Thursday), leaving her with just one free day. She was so enthusiastic about all of her athletic activities that every team she played on was year round, which limited her to trying new things. This also annoyed Sapphire because it limited her hang out time with Luna to only Sundays, which just so happened to be the day of Sapphires job at Bayside Books-the town’s bookstore. Luna’s bedroom was full of sports trophies she had earned with her hard work, teamwork, and perseverance, none of which were just participation awards.
Luna and Sapphire had met in the beginning of the seventh grade, when Luna had come to Bayside Middle School as a transfer student. Bayside was a private school, one where everyone had to wear an uptight uniform and style their hair a certain way. (One that Sapphire could never get her hair to cooperate with.) The only good thing about school was Luna. The two had immediately become great companions. Sapphire had constantly been inviting Luna over for sleepovers, but she had always refused the offer, saying she had other plans. Occasionally, though, Luna would mutter, It’ll happen when the time is right. Sapphire once wondered why she said this, and went to sleep thinking about it. But lately, Sapphire hasn’t had much time to think about it. She just grew accustom to it.
Sapphire hadn’t really had time to think about anything anymore. Not when Mrs. Andrew’s writing class was re-enrolling 7th grade short story applications. Mrs. Andrew’s writing class had to be the best thing that ever happened to Sapphire. (Well, besides meeting Luna.) They missed 3 weeks of school to explore specific destinations in Europe just to get inspiration. The 7th graders would visit art museums, attend concerts, and try new food types to inspire them for a new book, play, or short story.
“It’s fine,” Luna replied. “I wasn’t having the best night anyways.” Luna shuddered. Sapphire decided not to ask, knowing Luna didn’t usually like to talk about her bad experiences. Sapphire suddenly and abruptly sat up straight. Then a strange, chilling wind seemed to brush past her body. She brought her hands to her arms and shivered. “I- I suddenly got cold… I should go get a sweater. Or… maybe a thick snow jacket, come to think of it.” The freezing breeze seemed to follow her to the closet. Sapphire glanced back at Luna, who started to get up and follow her to the closet. She didn’t at all seem to feel the cold gale, but maybe Luna wanted to get something warm too. She opened the door, and that’s when everything a turn for the better. Or worse. Before Sapphire knew what was happening, Luna gave her a shove, and she suddenly found herself falling into a deep, dark shadow.
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Hey, Aleta here for a short review.
Corrections
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“Sapphire!! Hey! Wake up!”
C: The amount of exclamation points you are implementing into these three words is kind of overdone. Here's an example of how you can fix it, or how it can be fixed: Sapphire! Hey, wake up!
Luna shook her best friend until Sapphire felt the earthquake-like movements even after Luna had stopped.
C: Hmm. Earthquake-like movements sounds like a lot to say. Earthquake is a bit violent of a term for that, but adding like onto the end sounds odd. You are already stating Luna is shaking her, so perhaps leave it at that? Ex: Luna shook her best friend until Sapphire felt the agitating movements and awoke. (Something simple like that)
Luna exclaimed, snapping her fingers in front of Sapphire’s face attempting to grasp her attention.
C: The last bit of the sentence sounds slightly thrown together. Here's a quick fix: Luna exclaimed, snapping her fingers in front of Sapphire's face in an attempt to grasp her attention. (The change of attempting to grasp to in an attempt, at least to me, sounds like it will flow easier).
3 inches
C: Always spell out the numbers.
light brown but was constantly all
C: But it was constantly
Luna was tall 13 year old
C: Luna was a tall thirteen year old.
so whenever anyone did as little as run their fingers through it, her head would feel like it was exploding.
C: Uh, the word choice is weird here. I can't imagine when someone touches your hair it feels like your head is exploding. Not unless you have dreads.
Luna participated in three different sports, all of which she practiced for two times a week (Basketball Monday and Friday, Soccer Wednesday and Saturday, and Track Tuesday and Thursday), l
C: Why are you capitalizing all these words? This is very grammatically incorrect.
Occasionally, though, Luna would mutter, It’ll happen when the time is right.
C: Awkward. Here's a quick fix: Occasionally Luna would muse why Sapphire always seemed to refuse to not go to her sleepovers.
“I- I suddenly got cold… I should go get a sweater. Or… maybe a thick
C: The ellipsis here is really unnecessary.
Hope I helped!
Yes! Thank you.
Hi, penandsword here. This is my first review, so I apologize if it's inadequate or weird.
Anyway, the first thing is, good introduction! It establishes the characters and tension right away.
The major problem of this is the descriptions and backstory. There are three huge paragraphs that are simply long lists of descriptions. They're well written, but boring for the reader. Maybe try inserting little details of the characters later on?
The dialogue is really good, though. It definitely seems like these are real, 3-d 7th graders talking.
All in all, pretty good!
Thank you for talking about the backstory and descriptions paragraphs, i will totally keep that in mind. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue, and I will be definitely changing the three huge paragraphs so it is more interesting. Thanks again!!
XXX
sapphireluna