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Prolouge Draft (Please no hate!!)

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I held the cold bars with a tight grip, hands almost white from squeezing them so hard. It felt like my fingers would explode, but I dared not let go, too afraid they would catch me at the sound of my movement.

My heart was beating so fast it felt unnatural, although that was the least of my worries. I was almost certain they could hear it, since it was so tense and tight between my ribs.

I had been stuck in this torture chamber for so long that I had lost track of time. What day of the week, or what month it was, I had no clue.

I didn’t know when to go, when it would be safe. To be honest, I was scared to leave. Scared right as I left they would come find me, and bring me right back here to stay.

I tiptoed to the window, and took a peek at the land below. A crevice between the stone windowsill was crawling with ants, which climbed to the tips of my finger nails. I shook off the bugs, although they had been my only roommates for as long as I could remember. It was true what they all said, the prison was nasty, tight, and certainly not welcoming. I saw the guards at the entrance of the prison with blank expressions, barely blinking.

The small crack in the corner of my window was just enough space. This was it. I had been planning for more than three months, working on my escape. I grabbed the pebble on my prison floor and got prepared to throw it out the window, down to the ground below.

I had to do it right, this was the only object I had in my cell that would grasp enough of their attention. I flung the small rock straight through the crack and directly towards where I aimed. So far, my plan was working just as I had arranged.

The two imbeciles immediately spun their heads around at the surprise of the pebble being thrown at them, and looked at each other, perplexed.

This was it. This was my chance.

I jogged to the door and it magically swung open before me. I hadn’t expected this to happen, but I didn’t have time to think it over. I sprinted down the hallway, so determined to escape that I almost didn’t notice all the other crooks, criminals, and villains in their cells goggling at me.

Everyone in this repulsive place was desperately jealous of anyone who had the chance to freedom. But they all deserved to be here. I had been misunderstood. I had been helping people. Yet I still had been captured.

I kept running, out of breath now. I bolted through the back door of the prison, and plummeted straight into the moat surrounding the building. It payed to be a misunderstood scoundrel, out of all my adventures and car-chases, I had learned many survival skills. Including swimming.

I was a highly skilled swimmer, and could hold my breath for longer than most people. I kicked as fast as I could and zoomed across the body of water like a torpedo. I pulled myself out and bolted as far away from the prison as I could.

I was entering a large grassy meadow with a fairy circle of peach trees surrounding the area. I decided the best place to hide was in a row of dense redwoods just outside the meadow.

I was out! I was really free! Excitement overcame the fear inside me and a huge smile came across my face.

“Ah-ha! So you really thought you could leave did ya?” said a cracking voice behind me. I turned around to see a zombie policeman. His uniform was ripped and his skin was dry, gray and wrinkled. He had empty sockets for eyes, and his mouth was open in a toothless grin. “Gotcha again, ya filthy rodent!” yelled another voice from my left. I spun around and my eyes filled with tears. An almost identical zombie police stood taller and with more confidence than the other. The only other difference was his one glowing yellow eyeball in his right eye socket. The other was blank like both the first police man’s eyes. They got closer as I got weaker. It was happening again, the same routine every time. I escape, I run a little farther than the last time, and the zombie police show up out of nowhere and take me right back, like a boomerang.

They were coming closer.

I was cornered.

That’s when they woke up.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
thanataphobic
Review

Hi there! This is Thanataphobic here for a review (:
Firstly, good job on the first paragraph! I personally believe that first paragraphs are extremely vital in giving the reader a direct gateway into the story (and grasping their attention too) and you've done exactly that! Right off the bat the reader is drawn in by the urgency and tension.
By using "they" in your first paragraph instead of giving us an identity, it keeps the readers on their toes and eager to find out who exactly "they" is.
A few lines I really liked are the following:

"It payed to be a misunderstood scoundrel, out of all my adventures and car-chases, I had learned many survival skills."
I like it because it shows the reader that the character is quite... 'spunky' and, well, knows what to do in dire situations. It shows the character is quite resourceful and skillful, which are quite attractive traits and makes me like the character even more.

"I was entering a large grassy meadow with a fairy circle of peach trees surrounding the area."
With what you describe, I'm imagining a very pretty, peaceful place that the character is hiding in. But... I want to know more! Use all senses to describe the place. Can you hear birds chirping, or the buzz of insects? Can you smell the sweetness of the peaches? Perhaps if you build more on description, this particular part would seem a bit less rushed and much more immersive.

"I was out! I was really free! Excitement overcame the fear inside me and a huge smile came across my face."
I think that some more detail into how the character is feeling would be extremely beneficial. Has a huge weight lifted off their shoulders now that they've escaped? Perhaps you can write about how the character starts to get excited by the aspect of finally going home, or wherever they're headed, when they suddenly get interrupted by the guards.

So all in all, I think the only things I would recommend you working on is description and emotion. The emotion in the beginning was fantastically written, I could imagine the nervousness and fear running through the character's veins... but the emotion seemed to dim throughout the story.
As for description, maybe take the time to add in some little details that can help shape the atmosphere and make the story appear a little less rushed.

This was a very interesting read, and I look forward to future installments!
Have a good day/night :)

Thank you!!!
I really appreciate that. I will add those extra descriptions-that is something that is really important to me in writing and I always appreciate ways to improve mine.
Thanks again- I truly really appreciate it.
XXX
sapphireluna

User avatar
writer1204
Review

Oh, wow, that was certainly unexpected.

Hey there, sapphireluna!! Weiter1204 here for a quick review! :)
So, I have to say I was fairly impressed. You came in and had me fooled. I was expecting such a completely different outcome, but I was pleased with the way you took this. For a prologue, I think it's good. Now I'm intrigued with the whole prison break out theme you have going on, and if you continue, do tell me so that I can read more.

Anyhow, if you're interested in specific feedback, here are some things that caught my attention:

1) I'm wondering something. At the beginning, he's holdinh what I assume are the cell's bars, in his words, "afraid they would catch me at the sound of my movement". Who? The guards? Why would it be bad if he moved...? I was a bit confused right there, but it might be me and my slow reader mind, haha <3 so don't mind me.

2) He throws the pebble allegedly through the space on the window, but then he explains how the police officers turn their heads at the pebble being thrown at them...so are they outside? Because I had totally imagined a prison cell hall.

3) Zombies? HELL YEAH. Hahaha. Nah, I just really loved how much of a plot twist this was for me. You gave me a good, cheeky laugh, so thanks.

I really didn't find anything else. It was fun to read, quite interesting, and the fact that it had been a dream was also an interesting turn of events.

Lots of love and I hope to see much more of you!! Keep writing, and I hope you have a nice day/night! Cheers. :)

Sincerely, Writer1204.

Oh my gosh thank you so much for reviewing!
I didn't really think about that pebble thing.... so I'll have to get back to you on that. (I promise I will, that is a really good point.)
I really appreciate you're review!!!
Thanks so much for reading- this is actually my first post!
So yeah.
Thanks for making my day!!
XXX,
sapphireluna

Hi! There are actually two people writing this story, and I am the other writer who hasn't replied yet. Thank you so much for giving advice on our novel, it will help in incredible ways. I've been trying to get suggestions from people about how we can improve this book, and now it is so much easier because you can comment. I would like to clarify about the pebble/window thing. It was definitely not descriptive enough, and if you had not replied it wouldn't have grasped my attention. There is a crack/hole in the corner of the window, and the character is throwing a pebble through there to distract the guards standing outside. The character has a view of them through the window because the character are inside a cell at a higher floor, looking down on the guards. I hope it is more clear now and we will be changing that so it makes more sense. Thanks again for reviewing!
xxx
sapphireluna <3



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening