I feel broken
My body aches
My heart bleeds,
Wounded from past mistakes
I feel scared
And all alone
The cold drills deep
And freezes every bone
Little food and no sleep
I can barely think at all
In each direction that I turn,
There stands another wall
The darkness fills
My restless soul
The world seems dead
And lacking in control
With the perfect weapons
My knife and pen
Sadness and depression
I must battle them again
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Woah. Deep.
Real nice rhyme scheme as well
(I like rhyme schemes)
Anyways, this poem really made me think.
I especially liked the lines:
"With the perfect weapons
My knife and pen
Sadness and depression
I must battle them again"
As it alludes to the classic expression of pen and sword,
And also personifies sadness and depression.
My only suggestions would be to change the syllable counts in certain areas for better rhythm. Here are a few examples:
"And my heart bleeds,"
I think this would flow better without the word "And"
"Each direction I turn, "
May flow better with 2 more syllables. Something like "In each direction that I turn"
Anyways, once again great work, and I look forward to reading more of your poetry!
~Hadj
Wow. This was actually really really good.
I normally hate poems with a rhyme scheme, because they tend to be forced and awkward, but this... You did a really good job with it. The rhythm was simple and beautiful and never felt forced. It flowed smoothly, in my opinion.
You did a great job of describing depression. The emotion in this was raw and present in every single line. Imagery was a bit lacking, and that's something you can try to fix. I think it might add more to the poem, but even if you don't, it won't matter. This poem was really good. Very deep and very raw; it was something I could relate to, and thus I was able to connect with this.
Very nice poem, overall. I enjoyed it very much.
This was really deep
. I'm getting into dark poetry, and this was really good! I love your dark tone.
"Coldness drills deep" I think this line stops the flow of the poem. Try, "The cold drills deep" It just fits better.
"With the perfect weapons-" I don't think you need a dash there. "With the perfect weapons"
Aside from that, this was really interesting! Like I said, I enjoy your dark tone and your solemn voice. It's really interesting.
I hope you post some more poetry here on YWS. Good job!
Alex out!