Sunny days transform into stormy night skies
Joyful smiles distort into tear filled eyes
With every happy moment comes a new pain
And with every affliction, there’s less to gain
Very rare are those plagued with empathy
Or downcast eyes that glaze over with sympathy
With constantly mixed emotions, one wavers in belief
That there exists a feeling of sweet relief
Cast into a world where the demons empower
The yearning need to destroy, one must devour
All things good in need of hellish transience
And seek a state of unholy ambience
Rather than looking to the saints for blessed requital,
One turns to the inner demons for undeserved acquittal
With the knowledge of spiritual courts- Outer and Inner-
Comes the revelation: One is forever a guilty sinner
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,253 Literary Works • 673,069 Reviews
The rhymes here flows perfectly!
I really liked how it started, I often like poems that start with sonething natural, related to nature!
I've a special love for rhymes as well! So, I liked this one.
But there are cliches in it too, in here:
'With every happy moment comes a new pain
And with every affliction, there’s less to gain'
And,
'With the knowledge of spiritual courts- Outer and Inner-
Comes the revelation: One is forever a guilty sinner'
I don't like the word 'sinner', it doesn't go with the general flow if the poem,
I recommend you to change the title as well!
I like the following:
'The yearning need to destroy, one must devour
All things good in need of hellish transience
And seek a state of unholy ambience
Rather than looking to the saints for blessed requital,'
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
So, this is a nice poem. The words you used to rhyme were very different than what one sees in the average poem, and I felt that they helped the poem flow along nicely.
I do have a few suggestions. I would like to see this poem in stanzas. I feel like the way you wrote, the flow it had, makes it perfect for stanzas. You would just add an extra spacing after every four lines. I feel like this would give the reader a necessary pause before they needed to move on to the next idea. The way this is formatted now gives you a lot of information very fast.
Another thing that is more of just grammar, I believe that in the last line the word "one" after the colon should be capitalized. This could be argued, but I believe that could stand as its own sentence, therefore the word "one" needs to be capitalized.
So, in the end, very nice poem! It seems well thought out, there were only those two things I recommend you adjust. I look forward to seeing more works by you!
herbgirl