Play Dead, Longing (11/13/16)
A simple screech of shoes stirs
the dormant creature in me.
With eyes still closed, it would sniff,
wandering in the trail of the past trying
to grasp a citrus fragrance that would rouse
its appetite. It would thrash and swing
and roll until it seized the figure of its prey.
Sometimes I hear it sing, humming
the strange tune of nostalgia as
it thumps its legs in wistfulness.
The thorns of its body stings me,
a reminder of my aches and pleasures.
With a knife, I pierce it thousands of times
but it is still alive, growing stronger
in one strum of strings,
in one sleepy gaze of city lights,
in a slow tickling fall of sweat.
Then it will start to devour me;
Chewing every vein, licking
my stomach cold, drinking
the rationality of my brain.
If the possibility of its death
is nowhere near, then I will sink
and kneel and force it down.
With a heart still beating,
I will bury it alive.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Fizzygirl here review time!
Wow that was pretty intense.
I have to say I really loved it though, nothing like I have ever read before, I don't think I have any criticism for it, but if I was to nit pick then I would say I think you should use more vocabulary and really describe it in even more depth, but that's just me being picky.
I loved how you described the death it really made me shudder and I find not a lot of poets do that and I think it's important to describe every scene so you can imagine yourself in their shoes. With your poem I found my blood turn cold and my hair stand on end. Altogether brilliant poem keep writing!
-fizzygirl
Hey sabyemerald, Crimson here with a review!
I really like the imagery in this poem. You do a fantastic job of capturing the struggle, the longing, and the way that it can be often counter to what you know you should or otherwise want to be doing. The only improvement I can suggest there is perhaps going over your imagery and trying to strengthen it, applying more descriptive language.
A lot of it feels like it's 'just enough', but you could definitely go a little further and use some more emotive language. Instead of saying things are cold, you could go further and relate the feeling through common cold objects -- ice, snow, cold steel, etc. In a few places, you can simply use more powerful synonyms in exchange for the more commonplace ones.
There are a few points where the visual structure of the poem can obscure its meaning somewhat, which diminishes its readability slightly. It's not a major problem, but it may do it some good to go over it and ensure that you don't split too many ideas apart by breaking lines in strange places.
Once or twice I found myself questioning whether the sentences made complete sense, and I think there are a few you could perhaps work on -- 'licking my stomach cold' isn't super clear as to what you're getting at, although the image itself is fairly clear. Perhaps a rewording would help you most there.
Above all, just read over it and make sure that it doesn't feel too disjointed to read -- that's the main thing, in a lot of ways. Apart from that, this piece is fantastic and I love it.
Keep on keeping on; you're doing good things!
Cheers,
Crimson.
Thank you Crimson!
Wow. This poem is odd but it's very pleasing. Lovely!
Hey sabyemerald! It's Quill, here with a quick review. Usually I'm a bit nitpicky, so I'll dive into that first.
Do you mean, the trail of the past? It sounds a little confusing as is -- as in, one is wondering if you really meant 'past' or 'passed', and is unsure exactly what this sentence is portraying.
Until it 'seizes' or 'seized' is probably what you're looking for.
Overall
This was a great poem! Very nice. It may look better formatted into different stanzas, but I actually think the spacing added to the poem. I really deeply appreciate what is being portrayed in this work. It's very visual, and I can clearly see what's happening in my mind at all times, so that's awesome.
I am wondering about the random pictures of a mermaid (correct?), though. Is it supposed to relate to the poem in some way? It's very pretty, regardless.
Always keep writing!