Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Article / Essay » Spiritual


Strange Cycle of Possibilities and Disappointments

by sabyemerald


Strange Cycle of Possibilities and Disappointments

(November 2, 2016)

All thoughts and possibilities started to roll since the day of March 13, 2014. It was not as eventful as I imagined it to be but it was definitely one of the experiences I would never forget.

When I met my first love, it was not as romantic as I pictured it to be. I imagined it to be outdoors where the sun will slowly slumber and the lights will scatter across the city. The possibility that our encounter will happen in a place where blaring music bounce off the corners of the walls as colorful lights try to dance with it never occurred in my mind. And the weird thing is, it did not happen in a bar or club as you think. I met him in the church.

Unlike the usual services in Sunday, the church radiates a completely different atmosphere. It was dim and the beat of the drums from the speakers made me want to dance. I hesitated at first because I was not really sure if I entered a holy place or a rave. I processed everything carefully. I noticed that the songs they play are full of praises to God. I also took note that every student who enters have the same look in their faces—excitement and joy. I knew at that moment that I was lucky to find my way in this magical realm; A kingdom that would transform my plain boring life into something meaningful and fascinating.

When the clock struck five, a group of young men and women went up to the stage. Some positioned themselves behind, strapping the guitars around their bodies as they tune it. And some took hold of the microphones waiting by the side. It was not my first time to attend this church so I knew that the worship was about to start.

A program dedicated for the youth changes everything. The songs we sang were too lively that I have to prevent myself to jump and dance wildly. It was my first time and I wanted to focus on learning how things are done here before I enjoy myself. I observed the people around me and saw most of them raising their hands. Some have their eyes close as they sing their heart out as if the song belongs to them. I watched the projection of lyrics in the screen and found myself smiling as water starts to fill my eyes. But I remained stiff even every part of me wants to leap in joy. The only thing I could not control were my feet that tap in every beat of the music.

It was after the worship that I finally noticed him, the guy with tanned skin and a boy next door vibe. He positioned himself in the center where the mike stand is resting. The acoustic guitar that looked exactly the same with the one I have home was strapped across his body. The next thing I knew, I was hypnotize by the sound of his voice thinking that I am a sailor enticed by the luring song of a mermaid. But he stopped and my mind began to clear again.

I fell in love. This is the reason why I cannot forget the experience I have every time I entered the church on Fridays. It was an unexpected wave that tried to swallow my existence until I am filled with salt water. I trained my eyes to focus on him every time the worship begins. And I felt that I almost memorize him—the way he confidently moves in front of these students, how his eyes tightly shut when a particular lyric is striking, and how his voice sound gentle that cradles me into a world of dreams and possibilities. It was then that I realize that I would never leave this refuge until every fiber of me craves for more. I need more words, more assurances, and more memories where I could revolve my world around.

But as the time passed by, I realize that I am not only in love with one person. He insisted His way inside my mind and spoke to me every time He felt like it. His words of compliment and rebuke echo whenever I did something good or bad. And I knew that my love for Him is much stronger, a force that keeps me drawing closer, away from him, and away from everything. I yearned to drink more of the water He offers. I momentarily forgot the world whenever I nestle in His arms to receive the love that He offers.

I knew I have to choose between them, the guy who makes my heart flutter and lets me see thousands of possibilities or the Person that makes my heart filled with His immortal devotion and promises impossible things to look forward when I am with Him. I chose the latter. I chose the one who offers greater yet unrealistic things.

It was not as easy as I thought. I still cannot help myself gazing at him whenever he was around. I cannot keep my mind shut at midnight where the thoughts of him run in an endless maze. I thought, “Am I being unfaithful?” It was strange to feel happy at the sight of the guy I admire and feel guilt thinking that God would be jealous. But I also thought that He has the power to cut the string that connects me to him. He could erase the feelings I harbor for him so that I could avoid lingering my eyes on his back and stop the hopeful fantasies that we would end up together. But He didn’t. He wanted me to move on like a normal girl who broke up with her boyfriend, except that we did not enter such relationship. He wanted me to struggle the process of avoiding him, of resetting my mind, of forgetting what he made me feel.

My purpose for doing this was to fully devote myself to honor God. I wanted to fix my eyes with the one who love me the most, before gazing at his vast and beautiful creation. I wanted to fill myself with his light so that I could see things in his loving perspective. But my pure intention was clouded with my own perception of the world. I wandered, objective clearly forgotten. It was not about honoring God anymore but how to avoid him as much as possible.

I was rebuked when my wishes were finally granted. There was no sign of him everywhere. No music from him. No unexpected encounters. No updates in his social media accounts. No stories from my friend who happens to be close to him. I thought I would be glad, relieved that finally I could pursue God without any distraction. But it was like knowing that the book I awaited all my life is finally sold out in all bookstores. I have the strong urge to search for him that made me act contrary to my original plan. Instead of finding the one who found me when I was lost, I was finding the guy who does not bother to give me a second look. Instead of searching my lost identity as the daughter of the King of kings, I chased after the fading dream of him and me together.

This is the part I realize that my stubbornness should make God leave me. But instead of getting angry with my childish behavior, He patiently waits in the sideline. When I finally turn my head towards His direction, His eyes are filled with anticipation. His arms are spread like an eagle, giving me enough space to enter his comfortable threshold.

All thoughts and possibilities of my love life, my future, and my soul mate dissolve as his warmth envelope me in his assuring embrace. I have all that I needed. All I have to do is to trust him and wait for the day that he would give me the person that I truly deserved.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 1820
Reviews: 129

Donate
Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:45 pm
View Likes
Wriskypump wrote a review...



All I have to say is.... you managed to plunge me deeply into this story. I noticed some minor errors, but pah! Excellent communication, very clear-headed thinking (as an article really needs probably). Perhaps a great part of the reason I loved this so much, is that I relate so dearly to this treasure piece. It's as if God is speaking to me through you. and on the day I saw her again...

Boy it's a long long long story. 8th grade I fell in love with this girl from my church. It was a slow occurence, not happening all at once. But by freshman year, I was smitten. I never said one word to her however. I felt that, she wasn't a very nice person, and being as gentle and such as I am, I could practically hear God's spirit pulling me softly away from her. I even was allowed to see the future to prevent me (when I saw her again years later after her family moved away) from trying to talk to her: something that probably would've ended up in a compromising situation, and a life extremely bloodless and probably poetry-less. As it is, 3 years later, she's got a little girl, and I've got God and all the impossibly cool things he teaches me, upon countless other showering gifts. Thank you for writing, I just wanted to let you know how you made me feel, and would've made my day, if God hadn't already been SOOOO Super involved with it. Glory to you in the Highest: Warden of my Soul, Satisfier of mine eyes.

"strapping the guitars around their bodies as they tune it." - This is the only mistake that really leaves me not quite get. Maybe saw them, instead of it, since guitars are plural and that's what you are referring to with the pronoun "it" there.

You know, I never really thought of God being that jealous of our lovers tho. He did say about Adam, "it is not good that man should be alone. I shall make him an helpmate." He also said be fruitful and multiply. But I am trusting that Our Shepherd will give us a heavenly helpmate if we so desire; and next to Him and all the Artistic Works that He does, that's what I would like to spend my time with eternally...




sabyemerald says...


Wow! Thank you for commenting in my work. I never thought that this essay could make an impact to the people who will read it. And it also surprised me that some people could relate in the persona. Hearing God's voice in my writings is the best compliment a person could ever give me. As much as possible, I want to develop my skills in writing and transform it as a vessel to share the Gospel. So thank you for your kind words!

Also, the context of God being jealous is not about the guy I admire. In the course of loving him from afar, I realized that I turned him as an idol because I always entertain the thought of him in my mind and in my heart. And you know what God feels about idolatry especially in the Old Testament. So I hope I made it clear. :)



sabyemerald says...


Wow! Thank you for commenting in my work. I never thought that this essay could make an impact to the people who will read it. And it also surprised me that some people could relate in the persona. Hearing God's voice in my writings is the best compliment a person could ever give me. As much as possible, I want to develop my skills in writing and transform it as a vessel to share the Gospel. So thank you for your kind words!

Also, the context of God being jealous is not about the guy I admire. In the course of loving him from afar, I realized that I turned him as an idol because I always entertain the thought of him in my mind and in my heart. And you know what God feels about idolatry especially in the Old Testament. So I hope I made it clear. :)



Wriskypump says...


It was very good. God will work greater things in anything that we commit to Him: when He sees a heart doing something for the kingdom to come and not for self-purposes. Idolatry can be so subtle, that rat. God raise up your investments and make them to shine. :)



Random avatar

Points: 1438
Reviews: 139

Donate
Mon Mar 13, 2017 5:54 pm
deleted21 wrote a review...



Hello there!


Mialynire here is to write a review for you! It's been centuries that I have written a review so, pardon me if I don't meet your expectation.

Now, about the writing itself. I genuinely like the whole picture here. The concept is quite unique and I can feel the dilemma. Especially because, you've put your thoughts so nicely in your words. Um, I don't know but, I suspect, it's a personal experience, if yes - then, I congratulate you for being able to think straight and write about it. I, personally can never do that. I've had several experiences worth being a soap opera but, the problem is, whenever I think about them, my head starts spinning and, I end up feeling really bad. So, I find the ability of turning personal experiences into beautiful literary pieces highly commendable.

Now, about the more technical stuff. There are a few grammatical errors, regrading Tense. Like, you've used both present and past tense in the same line at some places. It can be easily overlooked but, I really read it out loud and so, the mistakes i couldn't avoid seeing. So, that is a bit distracting and, I don't think those little errors are beyond repair. Of course, nothing is! So, i would suggest you to give it a little proofread if you have time later? There aren't much so, I think it won't be that troublesome.

Finally, yeah - that's about it. I loved your work and I wish you write many more fantastic stuff in the future! With that note, I'm signing off! Bye!~




User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 94

Donate
Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:40 am
deleted868 wrote a review...



Wow. This is really well-written! Although I'm not really affiliated with a church, I love being able to learn more about religious practices, and you described everything really well!

I love being able to really understand how a character feels, and learn who they really are, which I'm able to do because your style of writing is wonderful! Every line flowed nicely to the next, and kept my attention, even if this was put into pretty decent-sized paragraphs.

I really like the fact that there was no true dialogue in this, since the reader is able to focus more clearly on your character's connection to God. Her absolute faith in God and His name is fascinating for me to be able to read.

This description of a service really reminds me of a service I went to at UCSD, where my brother goes to school. He is part of the A2F church there, and their services contain music, similar to the one mentioned in this story. The singers had really nice voices, accompanied by surprisingly good instrument players. I was pleasantly surprised by the experience.

Sorry I got off topic - let's back to this. Since the previous reviewer pointed out your tense changes, I only saw a few other things that I'd recommend you change.

One thing was how you worded the beginning of this story. "All thoughts and possibilities started to roll since the day of March 13, 2014. It was not as eventful as I imagined it to be but it was definitely one of the experiences I would never forget." This reads kind of awkwardly, but it'd be a lot easier to read if you rewrote it maybe like "New thoughts and possibilities started to emerge since the events that happened on March 13, 2014. It was an experience I will never forget." This way, you shortened your two sentences into ones that could be understood easier.

Besides that, there's nothing else that I think you should change. Overall, this was really good! Your style of writing is very admirable! I hope this helped in some way! Good luck with future writing!




sabyemerald says...


Wow! Thank you.



deleted868 says...


You're very welcome!



User avatar
113 Reviews


Points: 24
Reviews: 113

Donate
Sat Feb 25, 2017 4:44 am
View Likes
Featherstone wrote a review...



Heyo! Fea here to review!


All in all it is very nice, with few spelling errors and clear phrasing. I did catch a few errors, though.

"I knew at that moment that I was lucky to find my way in this magical realm; A kingdom that would transform my plain boring life into something meaningful and fascinating." The 'a' should not be capitalized.

"He positioned himself in the center where the mike stand is resting." Two things: first, 'mike' in this context when referring to a microphone should be spelled 'mic'. Second, there is a tense change right in the middle of a sentence. I caught several instances like this where it went from past to present tense- just go through and put it all into one tense.

"All I have to do is to trust him and wait for the day that he would give me the person that I truly deserved." Tense change: 'he will'

Other than that, nice job!

-Fea




sabyemerald says...


Thank you for reviewing it!I'm really struggling with tenses and other grammatical errors.



Featherstone says...


It looks really good other than the tenses. If you ever need any help, feel free to PM me- essays and articles are my forte! : )



User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 113
Reviews: 24

Donate
Fri Feb 24, 2017 3:39 pm
RossLighting says...



Is this story true? A good entry nonetheless




sabyemerald says...


Haha. Yes it's true.




You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time