Strange Cycle of Possibilities and Disappointments
(November 2, 2016)
All thoughts and possibilities started to roll since the day of March 13, 2014. It was not as eventful as I imagined it to be but it was definitely one of the experiences I would never forget.
When I met my first love, it was not as romantic as I pictured it to be. I imagined it to be outdoors where the sun will slowly slumber and the lights will scatter across the city. The possibility that our encounter will happen in a place where blaring music bounce off the corners of the walls as colorful lights try to dance with it never occurred in my mind. And the weird thing is, it did not happen in a bar or club as you think. I met him in the church.
Unlike the usual services in Sunday, the church radiates a completely different atmosphere. It was dim and the beat of the drums from the speakers made me want to dance. I hesitated at first because I was not really sure if I entered a holy place or a rave. I processed everything carefully. I noticed that the songs they play are full of praises to God. I also took note that every student who enters have the same look in their faces—excitement and joy. I knew at that moment that I was lucky to find my way in this magical realm; A kingdom that would transform my plain boring life into something meaningful and fascinating.
When the clock struck five, a group of young men and women went up to the stage. Some positioned themselves behind, strapping the guitars around their bodies as they tune it. And some took hold of the microphones waiting by the side. It was not my first time to attend this church so I knew that the worship was about to start.
A program dedicated for the youth changes everything. The songs we sang were too lively that I have to prevent myself to jump and dance wildly. It was my first time and I wanted to focus on learning how things are done here before I enjoy myself. I observed the people around me and saw most of them raising their hands. Some have their eyes close as they sing their heart out as if the song belongs to them. I watched the projection of lyrics in the screen and found myself smiling as water starts to fill my eyes. But I remained stiff even every part of me wants to leap in joy. The only thing I could not control were my feet that tap in every beat of the music.
It was after the worship that I finally noticed him, the guy with tanned skin and a boy next door vibe. He positioned himself in the center where the mike stand is resting. The acoustic guitar that looked exactly the same with the one I have home was strapped across his body. The next thing I knew, I was hypnotize by the sound of his voice thinking that I am a sailor enticed by the luring song of a mermaid. But he stopped and my mind began to clear again.
I fell in love. This is the reason why I cannot forget the experience I have every time I entered the church on Fridays. It was an unexpected wave that tried to swallow my existence until I am filled with salt water. I trained my eyes to focus on him every time the worship begins. And I felt that I almost memorize him—the way he confidently moves in front of these students, how his eyes tightly shut when a particular lyric is striking, and how his voice sound gentle that cradles me into a world of dreams and possibilities. It was then that I realize that I would never leave this refuge until every fiber of me craves for more. I need more words, more assurances, and more memories where I could revolve my world around.
But as the time passed by, I realize that I am not only in love with one person. He insisted His way inside my mind and spoke to me every time He felt like it. His words of compliment and rebuke echo whenever I did something good or bad. And I knew that my love for Him is much stronger, a force that keeps me drawing closer, away from him, and away from everything. I yearned to drink more of the water He offers. I momentarily forgot the world whenever I nestle in His arms to receive the love that He offers.
I knew I have to choose between them, the guy who makes my heart flutter and lets me see thousands of possibilities or the Person that makes my heart filled with His immortal devotion and promises impossible things to look forward when I am with Him. I chose the latter. I chose the one who offers greater yet unrealistic things.
It was not as easy as I thought. I still cannot help myself gazing at him whenever he was around. I cannot keep my mind shut at midnight where the thoughts of him run in an endless maze. I thought, “Am I being unfaithful?” It was strange to feel happy at the sight of the guy I admire and feel guilt thinking that God would be jealous. But I also thought that He has the power to cut the string that connects me to him. He could erase the feelings I harbor for him so that I could avoid lingering my eyes on his back and stop the hopeful fantasies that we would end up together. But He didn’t. He wanted me to move on like a normal girl who broke up with her boyfriend, except that we did not enter such relationship. He wanted me to struggle the process of avoiding him, of resetting my mind, of forgetting what he made me feel.
My purpose for doing this was to fully devote myself to honor God. I wanted to fix my eyes with the one who love me the most, before gazing at his vast and beautiful creation. I wanted to fill myself with his light so that I could see things in his loving perspective. But my pure intention was clouded with my own perception of the world. I wandered, objective clearly forgotten. It was not about honoring God anymore but how to avoid him as much as possible.
I was rebuked when my wishes were finally granted. There was no sign of him everywhere. No music from him. No unexpected encounters. No updates in his social media accounts. No stories from my friend who happens to be close to him. I thought I would be glad, relieved that finally I could pursue God without any distraction. But it was like knowing that the book I awaited all my life is finally sold out in all bookstores. I have the strong urge to search for him that made me act contrary to my original plan. Instead of finding the one who found me when I was lost, I was finding the guy who does not bother to give me a second look. Instead of searching my lost identity as the daughter of the King of kings, I chased after the fading dream of him and me together.
This is the part I realize that my stubbornness should make God leave me. But instead of getting angry with my childish behavior, He patiently waits in the sideline. When I finally turn my head towards His direction, His eyes are filled with anticipation. His arms are spread like an eagle, giving me enough space to enter his comfortable threshold.
All thoughts and possibilities of my love life, my future, and my soul mate dissolve as his warmth envelope me in his assuring embrace. I have all that I needed. All I have to do is to trust him and wait for the day that he would give me the person that I truly deserved.