Overlapping strokes of letters
Numb my sense of rationality.
It submerges me into a place unknown,
Thinking the worst case scenario of a
Nacreous yet hopeless possibility;
Endangering me to fall in lunacy and
Charming me to move closer to death as he
Negotiate the benefits that I will reap in the deal.
Overcome fear. Take the first step.
Type the words that would remind my presence.
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Canary word: Present
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This is good. So I'm guessing the message is that you wrote to give yourself a reason to live, as per the time this was written? I think "Negotiate" should be "Negotiates" since it's death negotiating the benefits that you will reap in "the deal" (this is such a great couple of lines). And at the end you've already lost your presence and need to remind yourself of it. Relating typing online to life in death, to lunacy and rationality, to submerging and overcoming, is pretty impressive in my opinion. Also, did you draw that picture at the top?
Thank you Werthan for reviewing my work. Yes I drew it. I'm still a beginner in painting though.
Hi there, just leaving you a few of my thoughts on your piece.
You have really strong word choice, it is consistent and in some cases caries some interesting phrasing choices.
I think the use of capital letters at the beginning of each line causes this to be read a bit disjointedly, especially with the full line breaks between each line.
It's not clear apart from the title and the last line that this is about an online subject/relationship I think the ambiguity in that is good, because taking it away from the online scene makes it relatable to more people. Some of your phrasing I found to be a bit odd:
"fall in lunacy" I think should be "fall into lunacy". And then I'm not sure what "remind my presence" means in the last line... do you mean "remind me of your presence" or "remember my presence"? Lastly "negotiate" I believe should be past-tense in this context - so "negotiated".
Overall you have a really strong start with your word choice, and the idea behind it, I'd like a bit more specificity with the context of the conflict, so that the reader can relate more clearly to the scenario.
Best,
~alliyah
Thank you alliyah!
Hey...It's lily here....It's an Amazing poem sabyemerald. The way you described your feelings is appreciable.Your word choice added to the beauty of the poem. Hey,but I didn't get the last line was it told by the male character?Every word and sentence is beautiful!!
Looking forward to your other works..would love to read them.
-Lily.^_^
Thank you Lily!
lovely <3
Thank you <3
Wow, this was a really good poem. I liked how it ended with a word to lead it on to the next sentence, a good idea which more people should use. It really boosts the poem and makes it sound even better than before. And with great use of words such as 'lunacy' 'reap' 'submerges' ; all of them I thought were good words to use!
Keep making poems!
-Ross
Wow! Thank you so much Ross!