"Do you believe in ghosts?" I used to ask Maa when I was young.There's someone underneath my bed. Every night, after the lights go off, I can feel his cold stare freezing me, giving me goosebumps. My parents think it's all in my head but it's not true. They tell me it's because I miss my twin brother, Rudra. How can I miss myself? I am Rudra. How do I tell them it was Raj whom they had sent to the rehabilitation centre because they had found my marijuana in his drawer? It wasn't my fault the car he was travelling in met with an accident!
I muster courage to tell them all of this but they just smile at me and say, "It's all in your head!" The car accident has completely changed them. I talk to them for hours as nobody here talks to me. I wonder if it would all have been any different if my parents were less sentimental and wouldn't have insisted on driving me to the rehabilitation centre themselves that ill fated night!
I feel sorry for my deeds but I can't undo them. I ask for forgiveness every night and Raj just smiles. So do my parents. But it isn't a warm smile. It creeps me out. They don't blink at all when I talk to them. "Do you believe in ghosts?" I asked them. "It's all in your head", my family said in unison, smiling. I could not blink. Or Breathe. Any more.
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I like this but it confuses me haha. I kinda like the ambiguity of it. So is his brother and his parents dead? If his parents were in the car accident too? Is he the only one left, talking to his ghost family?
I like how the story is so short but the progression of the creepiness seems really well paced. It isn't until the final few lines when things get really twisted. You've got a knack and writing short, concise pieces
Hi@rudrAbhinav bhaiya. The reason I wrote "bhaiya" is because reading all those Indian names I feel either you belong to my own land or have same culture as mine.And you too have an Indian name.And I suppose you are older than me.
The first line itself is enough to give reader chill in the spine. It is so scary how wrong brother goes to the rehab center. The line " It's all in your head" gave me goosebumps.
Indeed you made me sit intact to my chair.
From:Bhavya
That’s a really gripping first line. It immediately establishes the relentlessly fearful mood of the entire story and immediately gets the reader’s attention. The case of mistaken identity was an amazing choice for a plot point. I also really love how every sentence is purposeful and many of them drop details about the narrator’s situation. The feeling of guilt that the narrator has is palpable. Overall, it’s a really good piece.
I think this should be a line by itself, and the rest of the paragraph should be a separate paragraph
I've highlighted in bold how many times you've started a sentence with "I". This can get quite repetitive and I'd suggest maybe find alternate ways to rephrase the sentences to avoid this.
I liked this piece. It gave me goosebumps! I wasn't expecting the part about them having sent the wrong twin to rehab, it's a really unique idea for a story.
I couldn't help feeling that it was a little short, and felt unfinished. I would love if this was turned into a full story, and we got the full context of what happened to Raj/Rudra.
Regardless, this was a fantastic piece!
Keep writing