Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Nuzlocke: Pearls of Wisdom
Magneton's thunderbolt came crackling across the grass, scorching it. It lashed against my Luxray, whose health bar dropped the last third, then fainted. The text scrolled across the screen,
'Critical hit'.
"Ah, that's bull", I cried, flipping my DS the bird. I pushed my chair back and filled a glass from the sink in my room, glaring at the glowing screen on my desk while I sipped. 'Select a Pokemon' it taunted me.
"Meh mneh meh", I sneered at it. Critical hits were a fickle mistress in the Pokemon games, I always seemed to get them when I was guaranteed to win and they only ever seemed to happen to me when I could least do with them. If I had had anything more important to do, I wouldn't be playing an old save of Gen IV on a Tuesday night. No-one was going out tonight what with it being a weekday and I couldn't be bothered going into the University's Union to meet anyone new.
I sat down, picked my DS back up and - with a sigh - reviewed my options. I only had Staraptor with full health or Empoleon with just over half. Neither was a great choice. With another sigh, I sent out Empoleon. Its half-steel typing should at least negate the super-effectiveness if I remembered correctly.
Magneton's thunderbolt again came powering towards my Pokemon, shocking Empoleon down to zero health.
'Super-Effective'.
"COME ON!" I exclaimed. "What the hell?!" I pulled out my Ipod and looked up the Steel type. Turns out I was wrong, it doesn't in fact confer a resistance to Electric moves. Buggeration. Perfectly aware of how this was going to go, I chose Staraptor and managed to get off a Steel wing before again getting KO'd by thunderbolt.
I grunted in annoyance as I went through the familiar 'white-out' screen. As I had my character run out of the Pokemon Centre I realised I was back in Jubilife City, and must therefore go all the way back through Mt. Coronet again.
My hands slammed against the desk in intense frustration.
'whup'
As I stroked my forehead whilst trying to decide whether I should bother continuing, a second soft 'whup' got through to me from somewhere behind. I spun my chair around.
My jaw fell open.
After blinking like a blind man seeing for the first time, I closed my mouth with an effort, but that caused my eyes to close out of sheer disbelief. I decided to count to 10, but the third 'whup' interrupted me between 2 and 3. As my eyes opened again to take in what was happening in front of me, my jaw rebelled and dropped open once more.
I reached forward as if to touch the glowing, slightly pulsating blue-purple circle in front of me. It was around 3 feet in diameter, and as I watched a pulse of terrible violet went through it with yet another 'whup'.
"What the f-" I started, before a black tendril reached through, wrapped itself around my arm and pulled.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Roost, I am here to review your story. So I am a huge fan of Pokemon like many others out here, so reading a story about it just seemed fitting. Also, nuzlocke runs of the game are something I have always tried but have always failed and the concept of making it a story really intrigued me. Though a little bit into the story I could see that it felt as if it was going to quick, and really feels to me like we just got dropped in the middle of the story. At times though the story did seem to have good potential, I just feel you should really expound upon it, because right now it seems quite empty and lacking. Though the story has some flaws and problems, those can be fixed, and I see you have a part two so maybe you should just combine these into one part? Outside of all of that, the thing that confused me the most was the ending. I know this is part one, but it didn't make much sense, though I feel if you combined the two it would make a lot more sense to the readers. Maybe you did it for the suspense factor, I am not sure, but it doesn't seem like the best way to end part one of a story. It was just too sudden. Overall good job, but I would highly recommend adding the second part together with this one. Keep writing and never give up. - WindSailor
Mhmmm. I see. Well first i should introduce myself. My name is (Insert my name here) an i'm here to review you...scary? Story.
First off....Compliments! Don't you just love em. Anyway here we go.
I really like the way you construct a story around just the simple action of playing a video game. You explained why he was there and who he was. I also like how you start the story off, very nice. Now for critisisms <---(criticize this)
I found some typos in your story and would like to review them with you. (No I'm not an English teacher.)
First off I have a huge problem with the ending. What is it? Is this story based of a glitch in the game? I'm just quite confused on how the big glowing orb has anything to do with the story.
Second, I think you could have made the story better taking the character's perspective into the actual game. You could describe what it could be like inside the game and you could express your character's emotions more descriptively.
Adios!