Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Nuzlocke: Pearls of Wisdom II
The tendril around my arm was remarkably insubstantial. I remark on this only because there was nothing else to look at or do. Getting pulled through the portal had been terrifying, with pulses of blue electricity and violet bursts of light saturating the air around me. However, this had quickly calmed down to the same uniform blue-purple that the terminus of the portal had been. I had now been getting dragged through for - I checked my watch - eleven minutes. Once my heart had retreated from 'explosion speed' and I could take a breath without using it to yell in panic it had actually turned out to be quite dull. My surroundings, I mean. You can bet that the inside of my mind was a veritable storm of fears and thoughts. Uppermost was, obviously, what the hell was going on. Second - but not by much - was where I'd end up. I assume that since I'm being pulled by something it has a clear destination in mind. Actually, make that 'I hope', because I really don't want to end up in the cold vacuum of space.
My musings are suddenly interrupted by a huge explosion of movement in the pulsing walls of the tube I'm travelling through. The tendril wrapped around me yanks me forward as a roaring fills the portal, I look back to see yellow bolts bursting through the walls. Where each one pierces the lining, it leaves a huge hole that the colour seems to be draining out through.
It's only when my vision starts to blur that I realise the roaring is coming from me. I've started unconsciously yelling again. The yellow bolts are stabbing through closer and closer and I close my eyes as if to avoid my inevitable destruction.
Nothing.
I can feel myself swinging slightly from side to side. A chill seeps into my limbs and an aura of dread fills my head. I keep my eyes tightly screwed shut because whatever is in here with me is definitely scarier than I can picture.
"Ahem".
The voice is like a bass guitar - both gravelly and smooth at the same time - but with an otherworldly resonance. It echoes around me and seems like I'm feeling it more than hearing it. My eyes snap open and predictably, so does my jaw because the source of the voice is - impossibly - more majestic. A pair of giant red eyes set into the centre of an ominous, hulking silhouette. The tendril that pulled me out of my room releases me and I hang suspended in the chamber this creature inhabits. It's the same bluish-purple from the portal but much, much larger. It zips back towards its master to join it numerous compatriots and orbits around where the monstrous being's head would be
"What is your name, human?"
I could listen to that voice all day. It's like the embodiment of what I assume good poetry sounds like. Ignoring my goose-pimples, I swallow hard.
"It's, uh, Megahy", I croak. Sweat beads on my forehead.
The shadowy threads swap orbit, now rotating counter-clockwise.
"Hmm". I shiver again at the melodious tones filling the mysterious chamber. "You have traveled far to be here, human. Would you like to know why?"
I nod, still terrified.
The giant drifts forward menacingly, emerging from the shadows. An enormous, yellow wedge-shaped head appears, gradually followed by an equivocally large, grey body that was probably the basis for the word draconic. The tendrils extending from this demon's back extend forward until they almost enclose me. Its unyielding stare is fixated on me.
"I need your help", Giratina rumbles.
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141,463 Literary Works • 674,482 Reviews
Hi!
I'm typically a poetry reviewer, so forgive my ineptitude if you spot it.
First I'd like to say that I enjoy the voice of your narrator, but at the same time I have a problem with it. I really wish this hadn't been something I have to say because I love the laid back lazy way that he's speaking over the action, but at the same time, there is a problem there.
The problem is this. "You can bet that the inside of my mind was a veritable storm of fears and thoughts." Yes, well, you can say that but we are inside your head and it doesn't seem to be a veritable storm of fears and thoughts, it seems to me you've managed to calm down over time perhaps? I suppose my proposition for you is this; Why are you taking us out of the now in the beginning of this story without dropping hints about how he calmed down? I'd like this better or it would support this action better if he was glancing at his watch to see if it was still working, and he could remember the time passing for eleven minutes because while he was in the tunnel he was shocked that time still ticked. You could also say something like he couldn't remember the start of the tirade his mind was going on to record it. These things would excuse the issue of he seems to be calm and freaking out in reality.
On to something else ^^
The use of the same word so close to itself is rather unremarkable. It's rather obnoxious actually. I'd suggest taking out the first sentence and describing the tendril, or how soft it was, or hard, or rough, or if it was scalier than a snake even. Give us something other than "remarkably" so your narrator can remark on this without being redundant.
Just an error, center, not centre. Probably a speed error.
Oh, actually. Hulking is not elegant at all. I'd suggest something like mountainous, but the hulk is not elegant, so the descriptor doesn't fit.
I liked the rest of it. I like you writing style and I will probably keep reading the story/go back and read the first one.
It was a little short to me but it got to a good point.
I liked how you described the area around the character. It seemed demonic like, which probably explains why there was a demon carrying him.
I still think it was short but you did a great job with your area description. I can practically see it in my mind now because of how well you described it.
The end was not the greatest though, you showed alot but as soon as a little bit of plot came in you shut it down with a quick cliff-hanger. You should have put more dialog into the story.