I have emerged screaming from my siblings’ coffin
cut out like something unwanted
too early, bright with jaundice
on the first day of spring
trying in vain to atone for my sins
it is not my fault—I know
this bloodlust is an extension
of the birth-marked red on my hands
I am never crying,
staining the baby blanket with survivor’s guilt
mother, do not look at me
I am all six ghosts in a human
father, I’m sorry they did not live
I have never known anything but this frigid loneliness
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Good evening, rl320 (actually, good morning now - I was going to write a review last night, but life conspired and I couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to)! I'm here to provide a brief review of your poem and some of my thoughts. So, without further ado, good job! This is a tragic, dramatic, and definitely a dark work you have here, and the emotional and character development you've provided is fantastic. You do an amazing job portraying the main conflict and internal emotional conflct of the narrator, who has clearly gone through a horrible tragedy, and I especially love the vivid and shocking opening. It reminds me almost of birth, except more twisted and grotesque (in a good way, of course), becoming something almost resembling death. It sets the tone of the piece remarkably well, making the piece both tragic and emphasizing the dismay of the main character as they contemplate the fact that, of all their siblings, they are the only one left alive (or, "cut out like something unwanted" from his siblings' coffin). Beyond that, the rest of the poem flows incredibly well, helping us to understand that main character's emotional state through such notes as "birth-marked red on my hands," as well as their guilt and shame expressed in the form of them hiding from their parents in such emotions.
I personally admire the experimentalism of this poem. You stray from a lot of punctuation rules, which normally makes it more difficult to provide an effective and sensible poem. After all, the odds are more likely that you may persistently hamper or interrupt the author's train of thought. However, that doesn't happen here, and this kind of punctuation style seems to improve the perception of the piece, as, with the way that I pause between lines across this piece, it feels as though the narrator is addressing a wide variety of topics in a regretful, saddened voice, moving between each and discussing them as best he can. That makes the ending, and the consequences it implies, all the more tragic and beautiful. In the end, my greatest problem with this poem is that I'm not sure how the end of the second line and the beginning of the third line fit together. I just can't read "unwanted/too early," mainly as how can something be unwanted too soon? That doesn't seem to make a lot of sense when I read through it (I dunno if it's because I haven't seen that word arrangement before, but I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean), given the dissonance between the concepts of unwanted and too early, and I'd suggest removing "too early." That'll improve the flow of the piece and tie together those two lines a little better.
Anyways, well done! This was a well-written, emotional piece, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Great job on your character development, experimental designs, and an incredible plot! In conclusion, thanks for showing this poem!
thank you!
This work is very emotional and full of sadness, showing that the person is left all alone. In this situation, the persona is you, I find this work not very informational and it is a pretty short work so we can not expect much more, but despite that I think you say a lot with that short amounth of text.
Usually I am very picky when we are talking about grammar and punctuation, I do not think you have any problems with that and you have no issues at least in this work. The work as whole is very heartbreaking for me because you have focused over the negative feelings, telling us that you are the only one left. It would be interesting if you could tell us why all the other sibling of yours are not with you anymore.
These two lines are kind of confused for me. Mostly the 'too early' part. Maybe it is because of the way the reader needs to pause after the first line. Is 'too early' connected with 'unwanted' or it is meaning something totally different? Maybe I just do not understand what is 'too early'. He is cut out too early?
I saw you still use commas even if you do not use fullstops. I think you need comma before 'emerged'.
Hope you have a good day and keep on improving!
thank you! I just wanted to clarify the "cut out..unwanted..too early" is in reference to being premature and a c-section. I was likening a c-section to the removal of something unwanted like a malignant mole or tumor.
Hi, rl320! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we?
This was a very interesting poem. Offering no more information than that the persona was the only one who lived out of them and their siblings, you still tell an interesting story in just fourteen lines.
Everything flows together nicely, and I can't find any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes, which is always a bonus! Throughout the entire piece you use great imagery. Plus, you have great vocabulary.
My favorite part of this poem was this line:
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thank you!
You're welcome!